Tag Archives: Professors

Professor Selling Signed Copies of Own Fluid Mechanics Textbook

CORNELL STORE — Sitting outside on Ho Plaza with a stack of books and a pen at the ready, Chemical Engineering professor David Ernst is offering students signed copies of his self-published book, “Fundamentals of Fluid Mechanics and Magnetohydrodynamics.” “I’m trying to generate a lot of buzz about this book,” Read More

Sack of Shit TA Cancels Office Hours for So-Called “Family Emergency”

BAKER HALL — Undergraduate Teaching Assistant for CHEM 2070 and local sack of shit Jenna Liu cancelled her regular office hours this week for a so-called “family emergency,” neglecting her duties to many passionate, hard-working chemistry students. “I don’t care what elderly relative is in the hospital, I need her Read More

Professor Wearing Watch As If Clocks Aren’t Everywhere

HOLLISTER HALL – Engineering professor Edward McTiernan was observed wearing a wristwatch while teaching his embedded systems lecture Monday morning, seemingly oblivious to the fact that there are clocks almost everywhere on this college campus. “When I saw Dr. McTiernan with a watch, I was pretty confused, considering there are Read More

Professor Trying to Understand Inferior, Feeble Mind in Office Hours

BAKER HALL — After trying several times to help one of his students with a difficult problem set, Materials Science Professor Dr. Jared Schafer was still attempting to comprehend Sophie Adler’s ’18 baffling inability to understand difficult concepts. “I’m really having a hard time understanding why you’re not getting this,” Read More

Undergraduate Researcher Makes Breakthrough on Professor’s Desired Coffee Flavors

WEILL HALL – After months of careful research, undergraduate research assistant Elizabeth Wooding ‘19 confirmed that Biomedical Engineering Professor Anthony Watkins’ preferred flavor of coffee is mocha. “I think we’re going to publish soon,” said Wooding cheerfully following the last bit of data gathered from her many tireless trips back Read More

Economics Professor Reminds Students of Everything They Gave Up To Attend Lecture

IVES HALL – In an apparent attempt to make the course material more relatable, Economics professor Stephan Thomas explained the Principle of Opportunity Cost by reminding all students of everything they were giving up in order to be in class right now. “You see, whenever you choose something, you’re giving Read More

Assistant Professor Talking to Tenured Professors Like He’s Hot Shit or Something

RHODES HALL — Walking around the faculty lounge like some kind of big shot, Assistant Professor of Applied Mathematics Hermann Schweitz is reportedly talking to the full professors of his department as if he’s hot shit or something. “So, are you guys going to the colloquium talk this afternoon? Can Read More