Single AEM Major Just Wants Someone to Network With

WARREN HALL — After having recently gone through a tough breakup, AEM major and recent bachelor Kenneth Archer has stated that all he is looking for in life is someone special to network with.

“I don’t deal well with being lonely, and not having a partner in life that I can share business connections with is going to be tough,” said Archer, who, after the past year and a half long steady relationship with fellow management major Julie Edwards, felt that he had lost someone very valuable to his future career.

“I’m a little sad we had to break up,” commented Archer’s ex, “but if things were destined to work out with him, we would have had plenty more stock options by now than when we first started dating, and he would have committed to going IPO together. It wasn’t meant to be.”

Perhaps things will work out better after Archer graduates, when he will finally meet that perfect person with whom to start a family-owned nationwide retail company.

Supreme Court Decision Won’t Change Mom’s Opinion About Motorcycle-Riding Bradley

Following the Supreme Court decision this past Friday legalizing gay marriage in all 50 states, honor student Timothy Adler ’17 and notorious bad-boy Bradley announced their intention to get engaged, much to the chagrin of Adler’s mom.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m very accepting of my son and I’m thrilled about the SCOTUS decision that allows my child to marry whoever he wants, I just wish it wasn’t that Bradley,” said Mrs. Adler, referencing Bradley’s wild motorcycle-riding tendencies and extensive collection of leather jackets as potential red flags.

“And does he have to get married while still in college? Just because you can get married doesn’t mean you should, especially if the boy you marry always wears aviator sunglasses, has tattoos and never takes off his shoes before entering the house.”

Adler’s mom reiterated that she is just concerned for her son, and does not want Timothy to make the same mistake she did when she married her first husband, Ronaldo, a handsome Spanish acrobat who has coincidentally announced his engagement to his boyfriend, Stan.

BREAKING: Ezra Cornell Finally Proposes to A.D. White

ITHACA — After the recent legalization of gay marriage by the Supreme Court on Friday, Cornell University founders Ezra Cornell and AD White were finally able to get engaged.

“I was so incredibly happy when I heard the big news, but for Ezra to pop the question immediately was the icing on the cake!” exclaimed White, who began dating Cornell back in 1865 while the two men were creating their Ivy League university. The two have continued dating ever since, and recently celebrated their 150th year together.

“I know the motto is ‘any person, any study,’ but I knew that Andrew was the only person for me, and that the only thing worth studying is love,” said Cornell, staring deeply into his partner’s eyes from across the Arts Quad.

Cornell and White have begun making wedding plans for Ithaca this Fall, but are now looking elsewhere after realizing how long the waiting list is for a Sage Chapel ceremony.

REPORT: Girlfriend Doesn’t Look Like Mom at All

COLLEGETOWN — After several months of research and careful consideration, you can safely say that your mother bears no resemblance whatsoever to your girlfriend. This breakthrough is a result of tireless effort on the part of your conscious mind, constantly evaluating your girlfriend’s features and actions to ensure that she bears no resemblance to the woman who birthed you.

“She’s not as tall as Mom, her hair is a completely different style, their eye colors are different, it’s really a no-brainer” you told yourself several weeks ago. “Mom doesn’t even wear the same style of clothing that she does. She wears scarves, Mom wears shawls. She wears flats, Mom wears heels. It’s not a problem.”

You know full well that the Freudian concept of the Oedipus Complex states that for men to be attracted to their mothers or those similar to them is universal. But still, with this in mind, you are certain that that particular brand of psychoanalysis does not apply to you in this case. You are not overthinking this.

“Hey honey, what do we want to do for dinner tonight? Do you want to watch a movie too?” asked your girlfriend, just now,  in the apartment you share, in a way that didn’t sound at all maternal. Not at all.

In addition to the conclusions made about your significant other, you further concluded this week that just because your hair looks like it’s thinning now does not mean you will be bald like Dad.

Student Thinks of Female Friend ‘As a Sister’ Who He Would Still Have Sex With if Offered

ITHACA, NY — Sources close to Cornell Student Aaron Lau ’15 say that Lau views female friend Kaitlyn Douglas ’15 “as a sister,” but indicate that Lau “would definitely still have sex” with Douglas if she offered.

“Me and Kaitlyn have been friends since freshman orientation,” Lau told CU Nooz. “At this point it’s almost hard for me to think of her as anything but a sister who I would bang in a heartbeat if given the chance.”

Lau went on to say, “Don’t get me wrong, I value her friendship immensely. I love her like a sister, but I would love to love her as a lover. It would be crazy for me to ask her out, though. It’s like we’re family! That’s icky.”

CU Nooz reached out to Douglas for comment. She said, “Aaron and I are so close. I love him like a brother. It’s almost like we grew up together and accumulated all of the social stigma that would surround us moving our relationship into the sexual realm.”

“Which is totally not something I would consider,” she added hastily. “He’s like my brother, and who would want to bang their brother, I mean come on…”

Study: 95% of Free Condoms Given Out by Gannett Taken to Impress Friends

ITHACA- In a study put out by Gannett Health Services, it was discovered that at least 95% of all free condoms given out in their main lobby are used by students to try to impress their friends.

“I think I’ll just grab two for now, that should be fine for the next week or so” said virgin Bobby Esser ’18, speaking with his fellow virgin peers while trying to quickly figure out which of the various condoms he should take.

“I don’t know, but there’s this sophomore chick who I think is really into me, and for all I know she may want me to use two condoms at the same time, if you know what I mean” continued the confused Esser, further astonishing his oblivious friends.

Further in the study, Gannett Health Services revealed that 100% of students who ask for Magnum XL condoms are only kidding themselves.

Freshman Places Cute Picture of Future Ex-Girlfriend on Desk

MEWS- To put the finishing touches on his new dorm room, freshman David Cobb was found today placing an adorable picture of his future ex-girlfriend on his desk.

“It’s right on my desk! Now I get to look at your cute face every day when I wake up,” said Cobb while on the phone with the girl with whom, due to the difficult and complicated nature of long-distance relationships, the influx of new people, and the sexually charged atmosphere of college, he will split from in a matter of weeks.

Among the other items decorating the desk included a bracelet made by the girl who once drew hearts all over Cobb’s yearbook, as well as the hand-written note given to Cobb after what was unknowingly their last fight prior to their inevitable breakup.

“Yup, the picture, bracelet, and note are all here! What was that? No, I left the stuffed animal at home… I thought you said it wasn’t a big deal!… Why are you yelling?… Well it definitely sounds like you’re yelling!”

It was later reported that Cobb had been introduced to another girl on his floor, who he will eventually booty-call in an attempt to take advantage of single life while using the rationale that she was “closer.”