Rich Friend Already on Fall Break

BARTHELONA—Despite the full week of school remaining before Fall Break begins, one wealthy student has decided to take some early relaxation after a hard-fought prelim season.

“My Wines class has just been so stressful recently,” said trust fund child Jamenald Worcestershire ‘23. “I don’t know what else I should do. I just haaad to get away, you know? There was so much to do and I could barely keep up with the drinking, the smelling, the tasting–sometimes all three at once! It’s exhausting. I mean, can I just say it? The grind. It’s endless, so Mother and Father decided to take the family up to Spain for some tapas before our main Fall Break vacation in the Poconos.”

The Worcestershire clan made sure to thoroughly plan for Jamenald’s early departure. Not only have they paid multiple classmates in each of his classes to take notes, but have offered a seat on their December vacation to the student deemed most helpful by their son. They have also reportedly offered some “small incentives” of up to $80,000 for professors who “incorporate burnout in [their] schedules.”

“Many students have reached out to me stating their issues with burnout, and I take that seriously,” claimed Professor Benedict Arnold ‘87, a crisp hundred-dollar-bill peeking out of the collar of his shirt. “Because of Jamenald’s–sorry, I mean these student’s–concerns, I am canceling class this Monday and Wednesday, while Friday discussion sections will be held over email.”

When requested to comment, Jamenald’s parents offered to buy any publication interested in the story.

Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane? Student Pleads with All-Powerful Father Not to Send Him to Company’s Branch in Ohio

MEWS HALL–Much as the Lord’s only son went into the Garden of Gethsemane to ask the Heavenly Father that His life might be spared, so too did Brantley Wentworth ‘25 call upon his own father to spare him an even darker fate—a summer in his company’s Ohio branch.
Although Wentworth had long accepted his role in life–to spend the most functional years of his cocaine addiction falsifying ledgers in order to increase stocks by .03%—as his LinkedIn feed filled with announcements of his classmate’s internships in Silicon Valley, Wentworth found himself filled with doubt for the first time in his smug, entitled life. Just as the Son of God in the Gospel of Matthew lay prostrate in the garden, Wentworth threw himself down among his discarded beer cans and contacted his father the only way he knew how–by calling his secretary’s number.
“Dad, please, if it’s possible to find an opening in California, let this internship in Ohio pass me by,” Wentworth pleaded with the answering machine, trembling with sorrow and synthetic weed withdrawal. “Through You all things are possible–like deforesting the entire Amazon, or getting My three DUIs dismissed. Give Me the keys to the kingdom of heaven, or at least to an apartment outside of the central United States!”
Wentworth’s prayers were answered by a voicemail threatening to cut off his allowance, causing Wentworth to declare, “Not My will, but Yours be done!”

Rush Chairs Note Increased Difficulty in Determining Wealth via Zoom

TRIPHAMMER ROAD—Online rush originally seemed a lot easier to coordinate for recruitment chairs, until they realized just how difficult it was to determine the familial wealth of each and every potential new member over video. 

“It used to be so easy to spot the Canada Geese amongst the other ducks, like a gold coin amongst pennies,” notes recruitment team leader Mackenzie Roth ‘23. “We would even inspect the jackets for fakes so effortlessly when the girls visited the house, but now it’s like, we have to do some real work. Do you know how hard it is to find these random parents’ tax statements?” 

The girls have not given up, however, with many fighting for their lives to bring in an impeccably affluent member class. In fact, many sororities have enlisted the work of a screen zoom feature, to be able to flush out every little detail of the Zoomer. 

An avid user of her computer’s enlarge feature, Roth noted the perils of her journey: “it’s, like, hard to tell if it’s real Cartier now. Like I can’t even touch it. We need brave soldiers like me to find out,” she said, inches away from the screen of her golden Mac, inspecting every pixel of a rushee for signs of a trust fund. 

At press time, Roth was seen at their computer getting to know the girl on the other side of the screen, asking, “So where do you summer?”