DONLON HALL—Rebecca Tinsley ‘24 knew things weren’t going to work out the moment she moved into her second floor Donlan double and saw her roommate had already hung a Pulp Fiction poster that would continue to haunt Tinsley throughout the semester.
“I walk in, and there she is, just smoking a cigarette, though my second cousin by marriage had just died from smoking-caused COPD 4 months prior,” said Tinsley, referring to the poster of the character Mia Wallace, played by Uma Thurman, smoking a cigarette on a bed, “I mean, cruel much?”
The animosity only festered, Tinsley explained, as Uma refused to back down or lower her sultry, come-hither gaze. Not only did she feel terrorized by the gun perched by Uma’s hand, but the poster-star challenged Tinsley in her role as room 215’s resident fashionista. “That art hoe bitch with her trendy micro-bangs thinks she’s better than me,” said Tinsley.
While the rivalry has not yet come to physical violence, the tension has escalated to an aggressive staring contest that Tinsely, despite her corporeal disadvantage, swears she “will not back down from.”
By press time, Tinsley’s roommate’s amazon-purchased poster has not responded to a request for comment.
COLLEGETOWN— Worried student Samatha Check ‘23 is struggling to decide how to inform her current roommate that there’s not a goddamn chance the pair will be living together for the coming 2021-2022 academic year.
“She’s a sweet girl,” Check said of her roommate since freshman year, “But she’s always so critical of me. I would literally rather eat nails than spend another waking moment with her in my household.”
“I’ve been thinking of a lot of ways to be polite about it. Every time she asks me how my day was I tell her that I’ve just come back from an amazing studio apartment tour. When I see her napping on the couch, I start whispering ‘don’t live with me” to her over and over again. I’ve even started putting some of my stuff in moving boxes to emphasize how I plan to move out. It’s really inconvenient when I’m trying to pick out my outfit for the day, but I’m doing it like this because this is much kinder than telling it to her face.”
When asked whether her roommate had taken the hint, Check explained her multi-step plan to simulate the experience of not living together. “I’ve been avoiding making eye contact and cutting off all communication with her,” said the considerate sophomore. “Even if she doesn’t get the hint I hope I can gently ease her into the lifestyle of living apart.”
“I just don’t think that I can live with someone who can’t respect the way I live,” Check concluded, leaning back on her kitchen countertop and jostling a pile of rotting fruit. Several cockroaches emerged and scuttled over to a mountain of unwashed dishes in the sink. Of the moment, Check commented, “Oh, don’t worry about the mess. It’s my stuff, I’ll clean it eventually.”