Ithaca Bar Scene Not Good Enough to Warrant Anti-Lockdown Protests

Ashley He/Cornell Daily Sun

ITHACA—Although anti-lockdown protests have erupted nationwide calling for the reopening of restaurants and other services, Ithaca’s bar scene is clearly not good enough to warrant such protests.

“Ever since the party scene died last semester, I’ve frequented all five bars Ithaca has to offer and honestly, not a single one of them is worth saving,” said Allen Rogers ‘21. “Not even the allure of Fishbowl Wednesday is enough to make me fight for bar owners that rejected my $70 Connecticut fake last year.”

Other students expressed similar sentiment about Ithaca’s garbage bar scene. “If you’re going to close at 1 AM, why not close permanently?” asked Janice Durney ‘20.

As of press time, protestors were seen in front of Day Hall calling for frat party restrictions to be lifted.

BDSM Fanatic Asks Human Bonding Professor Why They Haven’t Covered “the Kinky Stuff” in Class Yet

PORTLAND, OR—When Professor Hazan of HD 3620: Human Bonding asked the 700-person lecture if there were any questions before wrapping up, BDSM fanatic Ryan Homans ‘23 asked why they have yet to cover the “kinky stuff” in the course curriculum.

“We’re already half-way through the semester and we haven’t even discussed the most basic topics like triple hand fisting and steel cable bondage,” said a frustrated Homans. “I thought by now we’d at least be learning about sex swing dynamics and how to determine the initial angle for optimal rapid-fire penetration.”

Before Professor Hazan could respond, Homans pulled up the course description, expressing confusion as to why “non-human primate attachment” did not mention animal roleplay once.

“It was either this course or petitioning to do my own independent study on the teacher-schoolgirl fetish,” said Homans. “I thought that lectures would consist of in-class demonstrations, so I figured taking Human Bonding would be more beneficial to my ‘learning’. Instead, she’s just talking about attachment theory and the science of attractiveness. Really vanilla stuff.”

Homans was later seen in Professor Hazan’s office hours, electrocuting his member every time he got a question wrong.

In Latest Heartfelt Email, Lombardi Begs Students to ‘Keep It in Their Pants’ During Zoom Classes

DAY HALL—In a desperate attempt to maintain a calm and professional learning environment, Vice President for Student and Campus Life Ryan Lombardi pleaded for students to stay fully clothed during virtual classes. 

“We are calling upon your strength as Cornellians to care for each other in the upcoming weeks,” Lombardi wrote in his most recent email. “But hanging brain in your Crime and Punishment seminar is not caring, even if it is technically an ‘expression of free speech’ or even an act of service because ‘this dong is so nice I write its presentation off in my taxes as a charitable donation.’” 

Many students expressed outrage with Lombardi’s oppressive sentiments. 

“He’s basically slut-shaming at this point.” James Compton ‘22 wrote back. “Look, if people can expose the 3 inches of their neck that fit into the camera’s frame, then I can streak back and forth in front of my computer during my psychology lecture.”

Lombardi intended to attach screenshot images demonstrating how to properly cover up but accidentally sent beautifully composed nudes instead because, well, he’s still learning how to use Zoom. 

Student Drops Boyfriend After Realizing He’s as Much Work as a 3 Credit Course

BEDROOM—As the drop deadline quickly approaches and her virtual classes begin to pile on work, Sara Gomez ‘21, has been tempted to cut down on her commitments by dropping her time consuming boyfriend. 

“I’m taking Linear Algebra, Organic Chemistry, Computational Genomics, Electromagnetism, and my boyfriend Jack,” she explained. After Zooming with academic advisors, and going into the dark web to finally find her DUST report, Gomez realized she needs all the courses she’s taking to graduate on time. But she doesn’t need to take Jack. 

“Jack and I typically meet from 10:10-11:00 MWF. Outside of this ‘class-time’, I spend about 30 minutes a day going to my friends’ office hours to complain about him and get advice,” said Gomez while nervously cross-checking her Student Center with her color-coded Google Calendar. “We have a weekly discussion section about our relationship, but sometimes he skips because he doesn’t want to review the material. I guess Jack is about a 3 credit course.” 

In a quick email to Jack, Gomez addressed her need to spend more time on her other classes, despite learning a lot from him. She also acknowledged Jack’s failure to live up to the promises in his course description, which stated that they would both partake in “lively discussion” and that he would “foster her interests”. 

When asked if she could perhaps drop her 3 hours a week of virtual Bread Club meetings or even just watch fewer reruns of Friends and The Office in order to keep Jack and her classes, Gomez declined, citing that she still “has priorities.”

Cryptic “OMG! Wrong Group” Message Hints at Interesting Private Life for Ryan from Marketing Project GroupMe

DENVER, CO—Members of a local AEM 2420 group project gained an unexpected glimpse into the private life of teammate Ryan Homans ’23 after he accidentally messaged in the wrong GroupMe.

“Heyy boyys, just grabbed the harnesses. The swing is still in Liam’s garage- it needs to be wiped down… badly :),” wrote Homans to the GroupMe of six begrudgingly-matched strangers. 

“He came off as pretty quiet, so this threw us all for a loop,” commented fellow group member Amber Staggs ’22. “Honestly, I’m intrigued more than anything else. Like, does he work at a summer camp or does he have a GroupMe for some kinky gay sex group?”

According to Staggs, Homans, a freshman in the Dyson School, never made it to the group’s one in-person team meeting and had only previously messaged in the GroupMe to confirm the project’s due date and which part of the assignment he was supposed to do.

As of press time, Homans had reportedly sent a picture of his clenched fist with the caption “this’ll do the trick” to the same class project GroupMe in error. 

OP-ED: I Need Universal Pass Because My Step-Sister Keeps Getting Stuck in the Dryer and Needs My Help

Like many of my peers, I am calling on Cornell to adopt a Universal Pass system. This is the only feasible way to reduce the pressure to complete my schoolwork and allow me time to focus on the unique issues facing my family during this global crisis; mainly the fact that my just-turned-eighteen step-sis keeps getting stuck astoundingly deep in our dryer and I am apparently the only one that can help. 

While this phenomenon never seems to occur while I am diligently pursuing my studies in Ithaca, this problem keeps happening whenever I’m back home and it is really taking a toll on my mental state. As Cornell transitions to online instruction, my grade on a virtual Networks II prelim is the last thing I want to worry about when I am prying my step-sister out of our Maytag for the fifth time this week. 

Naturally, every Cornell student will experience this global pandemic in a different way and Universal Pass is the only way to account for every unique circumstance. I, for one, will be assisting my step-sister, at minimum, 15 to 20 hours per week since she only calls for me when ma and step-dad are out of the room. Add that responsibility to my existing schoolwork and I simply don’t know how I’ll be able to manage it all. I certainly don’t want my grades to slip away, but I sure can’t afford for step-sis to spend the rest of her life in there, moaning my name—“step-bro, step-bro”—for hours at a time. Heck, with the outfits she typically wears to do laundry, she could catch a cold if I don’t get in there real quick. 

Ask any supporter of Universal Pass and you’ll find thousands of different answers for why this policy is necessary to help students heavily affected by the COVID-19 pandemic. For me, Universal Pass is the only way to ensure that my family can spend more time together and determine the root cause of this issue.

OP-ED: Am I the Right Person to Educate a Racially Ambiguous Student on Issues of Ethnic Identity?

I was sitting at Terrace yesterday when I overheard a boy with an equivocal ethnic background echoing a number of problematic opinions involving race and class. Unfortunately, in a truly frustrating dilemma, I couldn’t give an unsolicited schooling on intersectionality and ethnicity because his complete lack of distinguishing factors meant I didn’t know if it was my place to do so.  

Was I the wrong person to tell him that identifying with the culture associated with one’s surname is entirely one’s own choice, not a designation they are forced to live with? It’s unclear, because his mochaccino-esque skin tone made me wary to enlighten him out of fear I may (unexpectedly!) be the ignorant one. 

Sure, his thoughts on diversity and inclusion in corporate hiring practices was ill-informed at best, but maybe his beliefs on “pulling oneself up by the bootstraps” was simply a reflection of his own upbringing as a first, second, or maybe even third generation American. It’s frankly impossible to tell if or where his parents may have immigrated from.

For now, I will sit quietly and let him speak freely, because I won’t be mistaken as unwoke simply to make a point. Just as long as he doesn’t bring up that goddamn lawsuit about Asian bias at Harvard. 

OP-ED: This Creative Writing Class Is By No Means an Excuse to Publish Your Sonic The Hedgehog Erotica

By Professor Margaret Ellipson, ENGL 2810 Creative Writing

When all of you students walk through the door each morning, I give you the opportunity to look deep into yourself. For the years I have taught this class, the students and I, together, have spent every Monday and Wednesday from 10:10 to 11:00 turning the mundane into a vivid tapestry of emotions and feelings, rich with creativity and life. Those who passed through this course would often bring out a side of themselves they never knew existed. It was truly a pleasure to teach such an unparalleled vessel for expression on a campus that is far too ready to stifle it. 

However, after reading one student’s description of Knuckles’s “panting appreciation” of Sonic’s “prickly, wet, wriggly little hedgehog toes,” perhaps it is best if that creativity is extinguished altogether. 

No one should ever have to read, much less grade, seventeen pages of amateur literary pornography featuring the most debased sexual cravings of anthropomorphic hedgehogs. Let alone being an insult to the creators of these iconic characters, it is downright offensive to my eyes to have to pore over how Sonic’s “considerable circumference” penetrated Doctor Eggman’s “mechanical defenses” and revealed his “supple, plump buttocks.” Why on earth would I ever need to know about what Doctor Eggman’s ass looks like? How are the things these students are describing even physically possible? Oh God, the things they did to Tails…

And just because the content of these “writings” is certainly irredeemable, do not presume that the actual writing is any better. The number of run-on sentences, egregiously unfunny puns —I’m pretty sure I blacked out after reading someone say “Hey, quit hedge-hogging the lube!”— and random expository cuts are downright nauseating. 

Let me make myself perfectly clear; this Creative Writing class is by no means a pass to give your sophomoric, hormone-addled smut a wider audience. Keep this disgusting pass at “fan fiction”, if you can even call it that, where it belongs, on Newgrounds forums and the comment section of theorycrafting Youtube videos.

Daily Sun Annual Love Survey Finds Kevin Having 100% of Sex on Campus

DONLON HALL—With every Valentine’s day comes the Cornell Daily Sun’s Annual Love survey, profiling the love lives of thousands of students on campus. While this year’s survey showed a net uptick in sexual encounters on campus, it also revealed that all sex on campus is being had by one student: Kevin Jameson ’23.

Whether it’s participating in the sex act directly, or watching as instructed from a nearby closet, Kevin has taken his new role as the sole sex-haver on campus very seriously.

“Yeah, I have a lot of sex. It’s not a big deal or anything. What, do you not have sex? That’s cool too I guess, but me? I like having lots of sex,” said Jameson when asked about his involment in every single sex act on campus.

Other students have expressed concerns about Jameson’s behavior. “Boy I wish I could have some sex myself, but that Kevin is always hogging it. It’s like… save some for the rest of us!” said Cindy Richardson ‘20. “No seriously; I have not been intimate with someone in over a year. Kevin please stop having so much sex.”

At press time, Jameson was reportedly seen on the Arts Quad, where every single student avoided eye contact with him.

 

OP-ED: So-Called “Perfect Match” Won’t Even Let Me Touch Her Feet

With all the buzz surrounding Valentine’s Day and everyone’s excitement about receiving their Perfect Match results, I just wanted to put this out there: last year, the girl who was supposed to be my “perfect match” wouldn’t let me anywhere near her feet. 

While there was a lot of big talk about the cutting-edge formula behind this quiz, it must have completely fucked up, because not only did my prescribed sweetheart refrain from letting me count her toes with my tongue, she acted all surprised when I tried to steal one of her dirty socks from her gym bag.

I get it. I get it. We had “just met” and we were “sitting in the middle of Mac’s Cafe” but how was I supposed to know the quiz had paired me up with such a weirdo? If I had known my “ideal girl” was going to be so uptight, I wouldn’t have bought all those scented lotions I planned on massaging her calves and ankles with. Thanks for nothing, Perfect Match. 

My friends claim this year’s quiz is even more comprehensive, but fool me twice, shame on me. Quite frankly, if you don’t have the decency to show me those little piglets, then why are you even looking for love on the internet?