BOULDER, COLORADO—In their preparations to perform at Slope Day, Big Gigantic members Dominic Lalli and Jeremy Salken have become freshly motivated by the possibility of their concert being commemorated in forty years by the Cornell Chimes.
“Every time I’ve gone through my set over the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about the different ways Cornell’s 21-bell chime could eventually reproduce our unique fusion of jazz and hip-hop,” said Lalli, who believes that while his band may not be as popular as the Grateful Dead, the additions of MisterWives, Basstracks, and S’Natra will make Thursday’s Slope Day performance just as iconic as The Dead’s 1977 show.
“Also, if the chimesmasters need help choosing what songs to play, I’ve taken the time to select six from our vast collection of classic hits that would appeal to both passersby and the Big Gigantic megafans who will inevitably travel from all over to attend,” the confident musician added. “Of course, they may also want to play some songs we write in the forty years between now and the concert.”
When asked for comment, a representative for Cornell Chimes replied apologetically that their 2057 commemorative concert is already scheduled to be in honor of Gucci Mane.
Following the announcement of MisterWives, Big Gigantic, Brasstracks, and S’natra for the 2017 Slope Day concert, students across campus have begun declaring their intentions to get drunk at Slope Day regardless of who those bands are.
“I honestly would have been fine not knowing the bands in the first place, considering I will be getting plastered on May 11th before I even make it to the slope,” said Brianna Colquitt ’18, grossly unaware of high-energy pop performances MisterWives is known for or the non-stop rocking beats to be expected from Big Gigantic. “Really, they could put a stereo blasting static for three hours and I’d have a great time being blissfully unaware of what was happening. Who cares about these bands?”
In response, to these unofficial plans, Denise Cassaro has reminded students that they could still have fun by staying sober and listening to whatever artful lyrics S’natra has managed to scrounge together.
LIBE SLOPE — Calling upon three years of hardened experience in the field, Senior Liam McKlevern spent the afternoon burying a bottle of sunscreen in the slope in preparation for Slope Day.
“Most novices think they can just hit the slope with a single layer of SPF 35,” reported McKlevern, leaning up against his shovel. “But take it from me, the key to really having a blast on Slope Day lies in burying a Zinc Oxide boosted SPF 100+ sunscreen. They don’t let you bring protection like that through the gates.”
Burying sunscreen was just the beginning of the Senior’s preparation, whose fridge is currently stocked wall-to-wall with a diverse assortment of bottled water. “All I have to do now is show up all hydrated and dig this bad boy up, then that’s when the real party starts.”
Upon hearing about McKlevern’s exploits, the Slope Day Planning Committee would like to remind everyone that applying adequate amounts of sunscreen, while not explicitly illegal, does violate years of Cornell tradition.
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL — Slope Day Programming Board announced yesterday over Facebook that Walk the Moon would perform only covers of songs by the late rapper 2Pac for this year’s Slope Day concert.
“We sent out a survey last semester” said a spokesperson for SDPB, “and some number of students wanted another rapper, but some wanted a contemporary rock band, so we managed to book Walk the Moon under the stipulation that they only play hip-hop music.”
Slope Day has historically featured a variety of genres, ranging from Taio Cruz (2012) to Nelly (2011) to Drake (2010) to T.I. (2007) to Snoop Dogg (2005) to Kanye West (2004). This upcoming festival is predicted to be more like their Spring 2006 concert, when Ben Folds was requested only to sing excerpts from the Sugar Hill Gang.
“I’m happy that we finally have something different this year. Walk the Moon is my favorite Pop-Rock/R&B fusion band!” commented senior Jessica Chan, who had seen Kendrick Lamar, Ludacris and Chance the Rapper at the past three Slope Days and desperately pleaded for a different genre.
Regardless of whether or not students will appreciate Walk the Moon’s fat beats, we can all unanimously enjoy the opening band, Cash Cash, who is appropriately overrated enough to play Slope Day.
LIBE SLOPE — After blacking out during the Slope Day concert, graduated senior Benjamin Chambers ’15 has finally awoken from his alcohol induced slumber that began this past May.
“That was the craziest Slope Day ever! How long was I out for, like a day?” exclaimed Chambers, who has until today been unconsciously resting on Libe slope with an empty Bacardi bottle in his hand while accumulating a horrendous sunburn around his tank top.
Chambers allegedly drank fifty-four shots of vodka before and during Chance the Rapper’s set, after which he sat down under a tree behind Willard Straight Hall and slept peacefully for three months following.
“I can’t believe I got that drunk. I hope I didn’t do anything stupid,” added Chambers, who slept through both his graduation and the first few weeks of his job at a publishing company in Manhattan.
At press time, Chambers was heading back to his old apartment to take some aspirin and to study for his sociology exam that had taken place at the end of last semester.
WILLARD STRAIGHT THE HALL — Chance the Rapper will perform at this year’s Slope Day concert, announced Slope Day Programming Board the Committee, along with Magic! the Reggae Fusion Band as the opening act. The decision has been generally well-received by students of Cornell the University, who will attend Slope Day on May 7, 2015 the Date.
“Chance the Rapper is one of my all-time favorite artists” said Jacqueline Martin the Junior AEM Major. “I mean, was hoping to have Beyoncé the Icon, but this guy is great too.”
The selection committee was very cognizant of problems with last year’s performance by Ludacris the Verbally Offensive, and sought to pick an artist that better fit Cornell’s tastes. A multitude of performers were considered for the headlining act, including Childish Gambino the Donald Glover and Big Sean the Other Rapper, but eventually Chance the Rapper won favor.
The second opening act still has yet to be decided, but students are already hopeful for rock bands such as Foo the Fighters or independent artists like Vampire the Weekend.
Also expected to make appearances are Drunken Haze the Frat Star and Almost Topless the Sorority Girl.
ROCKEFELLER HALL — The Slope Day Programming Board finally announced today the headlining act for Slope Day 2015. This announcement comes after weeks of anticipation and curiosity building among students, who are now relieved to at long last know the identity of this year’s musician.
“I love the artist they picked! I listen to their music all the time,” said Emma Fedorko ‘17. “I hope they play some of their older stuff, even though their newer material is pretty good too.”
The SDPB carefully picked the performer from a range of top entertainers. Amongst all the choices of rappers, pop singers and rock bands, this year’s talent was elected because they seemed to appeal to the Cornell student body more than anyone else.
“I have a lot of strong feelings about this announcement,” stated Ross Parker ‘18. He admitted to feeling “very opinionated” about SDPB’s decision.
While, of course, not all students are content with this year’s Slope Day announcement, most agree that any performer will be fine after consuming a certain amount of alcohol.
ITHACA, NY — The student body is building its anticipation over the upcoming announcement of this year’s Slope Day location.
“There’s always so much interesting speculation,” said junior Peter Yang, who expressed his disappointment over previous Slope Day locations for their muddy surfaces and uneven footing.
“It’s so exciting! The last couple years it’s been held at the Slope, Libe Slope, and the hill by Uris. I think they’ll branch out into something more indie this time, like the Big Slant.”
The Slope Day Programming Board has remained coy thus far by refusing to respond to “such fucking ridiculous inquiries.”