ITHACA—As winter recess comes to an end, travel-weary Cornellians return to campus by the busload, only to be greeted by what one local weather enthusiast describes as “the ideal environment for some really funny shit to happen.” Bryan Trast, a native Ithacan and self-proclaimed “Climate Harmonic Analyst,” looks forward to this time every year: “The…
My uncompassionate lowlife of a psychology professor obviously does not know even the basics of World War I. Come November, this campus always turns into sludge. It snows, and then the snow melts, and my feet get all wet. These are the conditions the heroes of World War I nobly fought and suffered in. The…
COLLEGETOWN–Gourmands, rejoice! Ithaca’s signature blend of ice, piss, asphalt, and antifreeze is now on tap at Collegetown’s 7-Eleven location. The limited-time only road slush flavor is part of the store’s push into Ithaca’s culinary scene. “7-Eleven may not be the first place that comes to mind when you think of fresh, local, and seasonal flavors,…
HIGHLAND PLACE—Demonstrating Ithaca’s dedication to excellence, the Street Cleaning Crew worked around the clock this past weekend, valiantly battling the wild forces of Mother Nature, clearing snow from every pavement alongside their gerrymandered snow routes. “Too long has our poor performance been fodder for small talk with that person you have nothing in common…
DAY HALL—Following the discovery of swastikas drawn in snow on North Campus this week, Vice President for Student and Campus Life Ryan Lombardi has been desperately pleading for students to return to the snow penises of the past. “Please, for the love of God, go back to penises,” Lombardi wrote in an email to students,…
BAKER HALL—After Cornell announced that campus will be closed starting at 5 AM, dedicated chemistry professor Chuck E. Chang had no choice but to drag his students into lecture at the crisp hour of 4 in the morning. “Normally I don’t allow beverages in my classroom, but I made a special exception for those students…
ITHACA, NY — Following the announcement that Cornell University classes will be canceled as of noon today because of a major snowstorm, reports indicate that attending college in a frozen hellscape such as Ithaca, New York, is finally paying off for students. “When I first started school at this frigid purgatory of a town I…
ENGINEERING QUAD – Despite efforts to increase the presence of snow vaginas on college campuses, they continue to be vastly outnumbered by snow penises. The low numbers of female genitalia in snow sculptures has been a consistent national epidemic, especially in fields in front of STEM buildings, but some believe the gender gap should exist….
ARTS QUAD – Following a relatively surprising November snowstorm, reports indicate that Cornell students are using the change in weather as a conversation topic in place of much more controversial issues dominating discussions for the past month. “Wow, I can’t believe it’s so snowy!” said Hannah Palmer ’19, choosing to ignore potentially polarizing subjects such…
