WEST CAMPUS—In a shocking turn of events, one student’s milktoast European roommate revealed himself to be “like 1/16th Argentinian” as the World Cup began.
“My great-great-grandfather lived in Argentina, actually!” explained James Brunner ‘24, in blue face paint and a Lionel Messi jersey. “¡Soy Argentino! I love my country, from the beautiful buildings of Buenos Aires to the… beautiful streets of Buenos Aires. The culture of Argentiña runs in my blood, and I’m honestly thrilled to represent my nation’s colors during the World Cup! Vamos Messi!”
Brunner spent the week opining over the storied legacy of the Argentine Men’s National Team. When asked to name his three favorite players in football history, Brunner quickly rattled off the names of Diego Maradona, Leo Messi, and “any other Argentine player.” His friend group has expressed concern over this new identity.
“He’s never been to Argentina,” claimed Jeff Donner ‘24. “He bought an Ancestry.com test just so he wouldn’t have to root for America’s garbage team this year. In fact, no one knows where he’s from. He claimed to have been born in LA for last year’s Super Bowl, and now all of a sudden he’s a Philadelphian from birth. He’s an international bandwagoner.”
Brunner’s enthusiasm for his newfound ancestry dimmed when he was informed his great-great-grandfather had moved to Buenos Aires from Dresden in 1945.
JESSUP FIELD—On Tuesday night, the hotly anticipated Cornell 2022 Intramural Outdoor Soccer League championship game—which was also the first game of the season—came to an underwhelming close. Team SOCCr, a ragtag group of CHEM2070 all-star students, put up a valiant effort but ultimately lost their chance at the glory that comes with intramural excellence.
“We thought it would be a really fun way to meet some new people,” reported team captain Jakey McQuaid, A&S ‘26. The team was shocked to discover that they were quite literally the only ones who thought that.
Things may have gone differently for team SOCCr had they spent more time practicing and less time coming up with their team name (an inspired play on the word “soccer” using the elements Sulfur, Oxygen, Carbon, and Chromium). Their opponents, a dead-eyed squadron of ROTC seniors made jaded by years of demanding on-campus military service, reportedly did not get the joke.
After a riveting ten minutes of intense gameplay, team SOCCr ultimately took the loss in a 26-0 mercy ruling. Still, their loyal fanbase was heartened by the crew’s gutsy performance. “I think they did an awesome job!” reported lone crowd member McQuaid’s mom, who drove up for the big match. “The most important thing is that everyone had fun.”
Unfortunately, team SOCCr will be unavailable to take another shot at victory in next year’s championship, as they have all been recruited by the Varsity Football team.