Unhoused Sophomore Unable to Sing Along to Flo Rida’s “My House”

BAILEY HALL – On Saturday, Slope Day organizers aimed to distract the Cornell community from the recent student housing catastrophe by revealing the long-awaited Slope Day Lineup. However, this announcement was received poorly by some community members, who viewed the organizers’ decision to bring Flo Rida of “My House” fame to campus as a cruel act of poor taste. 

“It’s just so difficult to separate the art from the artist when he makes it the chorus of his awesome song,” began recently unhoused Sarah Davis ‘27. “Mr. Rida has clearly never experienced the horrors of an empty Cornell housing portal. There are plenty of us who ‘don’t like to go out,’ that have recently lost that privilege, and now have no choice but to stay out. I just can’t believe the programming board would add salt to the wound by inviting someone so out-of-touch with their suffering students.” 

Lucas Campbell ‘27 was luckier than many of his peers, managing to secure housing in a Schuyler House forced-triple. While this new Schuyler resident will be able to relate to Flo Rida’s hit come Slope Day, he says he has recently struggled to sing along without shedding a tear. 

When asked which artists the new Cornell unhoused community would have preferred, Davis suggested Ed Sheeran, whose woeful music reflects his turbulent years on the streets of England. 

“Sheeran gets it. The only thing worse than being unhoused at Cornell is being unhoused and surrounded by British people…” Davis explained with a noticeable shudder. 

Flo Rida’s refrain states that “sometimes you gotta stay in,” but for those with nowhere to stay, who will not “know where [they] live,” until August, Rida’s words are daggers piercing their fragile hearts. As the catchy tune resonates across the slope this May, it is imperative that audience members check on their suffering, unhoused friends.

With The Return Of Spring, Students Break Out Old Shorts, Tanks, Body Image Issues

AG QUAD—Recent rising temperatures have prompted Cornell students to change their styles, leading to a proliferation of exposed knees, arms, and deep emotional wounds related to body image.

“I love that I can now wear fun open-toed shoes instead of the bean boots I needed to trudge through street slush. My style improving almost makes up for me being forced to reveal my cankles to the entire world,” said Jenny Bard ’23.

The popular long puffer style has been phased out, forcing students to abandon the uniformly bloated silhouette and reckon with the ways in which their figures fail to meet societal standards.

Sarah Jimenez ’21 explained that she and her roommate Reilly Park ’21 are “excited to express ourselves more because we can use the other halfs of our closet,” but also articulated their disappointment that their shorts from last summer are now fitting far too tightly and loosely, respectively.

“Bro, it felt so good to free my guns from hoodies,” revealed Dan Spear ’20. “Now I can wear dope tanks decorated with my frat letters stylized as a quirky drink! The one bummer is that my eighth-grade swim coaches’ comment that I have ‘small little bird shoulders’ echoes constantly in my head every second that they’re publicly visible.”

Spear noted that his insecurities “ain’t seen nothing yet,” and is looking forward to complete and total self-hatred during his beachy spring break.