Freemasons to Recruit New Members at ClubFest This Weekend

Ithaca, NY —  In an unexpected decision, for the first time ever, the Freemasons will be recruiting members at Cornell’s club fest this fall! The centuries-old secret society says it hopes to provide a fun, safe atmosphere for discussions related to history, philosophy and religion.

“Those of able body and mind, we ask of thee….do you wish to continue living as a worm, slithering about in the mud with all the other Cretins? Or do you wish to be the fisherman? To hold the worm’s life in your hand as it tries to escape, and then say, to the creature at the tip of your hook, today is the day you die,” asks the official notice posted in the Willard-Straight Hall Student Resource Center.

“Yeah, I’ll check it out if I’m not doing anything else,” says Robert Erikson ‘17 as he uses a quill and inkwell filled with blood to write his name and NetID on a listserv signup sheet.

Kaitlyn Jacobs ‘16 is less open to the idea. “Eh, my friend went to a meeting of theirs once  once, he said that the orientation games were pretty lame.”

The official notice ends by saying that “Those looking to join our unholy brotherhood should meet at the birthplace of Oliver Cromwell with the heart of a human child. Snacks will be provided.”

CIPAC, J Street, SJP Hold Gaza Protests on Empty Ho Plaza

HO PLAZA- In response to the recent fighting in Israel’s Gaza Strip, students from campus organizations CIPAC (Cornell Israel Public Affairs Committee), J Street, and SJP (Student for Justice in Palestine) held organized rallies on an otherwise empty Ho Plaza Tuesday.

“We think it’s really important that students be informed about what’s going on in Gaza and that the truth is exposed about the atrocities being committed by those heartless monsters,” said the presidents of each organization independently of one another.

“We just can’t wait for the students to get back so we can actually start aggressively informing them about the situation. There’s really no one here now. Just 5 or 6 members of my organization and a few more from each of the others.”

Later, long after the rallies, a lone passerby picked up a quartercard off the ground only to immediately throw it away.