University Pre-Planning Fall 2020 Donlon Hall Outbreak Mitigation Efforts

ITHACA—Following weeks of preparing contingency plans for a potential on-campus Fall 2020 Semester, University administrators have developed a viral containment and public relations strategy to deal with the inevitable outbreak that will occur in Mary Donlon Hall. 

Seen as a breeding ground for highly transmissible diseases given the perpetually close-knit nature of its residients and their penchant for being total fuck machines, the first year dormitory packs kids into Donlon like sardines in a big U-shaped can. “Cutting down on the number of bathrooms during construction seemed like a great way to save money for the school at the time. Apparently now it’s a ‘serious health liability,’” explained Residence Hall Director Lammi Ada. 

The university has planned for everything, ranging from a single student testing positive to a massive dorm-wide outbreak. In recent weeks, administrators have been browsing Amazon for deals on “large metal deadbolts” and making preliminary calls to helicopter companies about airdropping supplies.

“We already have several different emails in our drafts that begin with ‘Dear Ithaca Campus Community, We regret to inform you of an ongoing public health situation regarding Mary Donlon Hall,’” said Vice President for Student and Campus Life, Ryan Lombardi. “So you could say we are prepared for anything.”

Student’s Parents Excited To Attend Virtual Slope Day Concert Too

PORTLAND, OR—Parents of Julius Saratoga ‘21 have been counting down the days until the upcoming Virtual Slope Day Concert.

“When Jules mentioned the concert, I thought it was a fantastic opportunity for us to have some family bonding time!” said his mother Elena Saratoga. “He mentioned that some folks named Smiley, Rico Nico, a Booger in a Hooder, and Glaucoma, were performing. Can’t say I’ve heard of them but if they’re good enough for Julie-kins, they’re good enough for me.”

Saratoga’s parents expressed concerns over how to best prepare for the concert, lamenting that Saratoga had remained evasive on the question of when the concert was being held. “Juli-love is just shy. He has nothing to worry about! We’re cool parents.”

Saratoga’s father Ed professed excitement towards the virtual format. “Video chat is great these days! I’d love to meet some of Judge Julie’s friends and see what a day with the boys is like! I’ll be keeping our video on for sure.”

“I’m so glad we get to celebrate this special tradition with our special boy,” Elena concluded. “I only wish aunt Carrie and uncle Jorge could celebrate with us too. Oh! That gives me an idea—maybe I’ll invite the whole Saratoga clan!”

“I only wish my little Ceasar Salad could tell us more about what it was like! When I asked, all he could tell me about last year’s Slope Day was that he blacked. I guess that’s some new slang for forgetting about events that happened a long time ago.”

Pollack Rejects Code of Conduct Compromise Because She ‘Doesn’t Know What Bifurcated Means’

DAY HALL—Shortly after vetoing the University Assembly Codes and Judicial Committee’s recommended changes to the Student Code of Conduct, Martha Pollack explained her rationale, admitting she had no idea what a “bifurcated system of evidentiary standards” was. 

“I’m the President of Cornell, and that means I’m very smart. Therefore, if I don’t understand something it must be extremely complicated. The implementation of complicated things, frankly, is infeasible. That’s why I had to say no to the CJC’s new proposal,” said Pollack in an email to Professor Robert Howarth, Chair of The University Assembly.

In addition to confusion about the “bifurcated” nature of the system, Pollack also expressed puzzlement as to how evidence could “preponder” and outright bewilderment at the idea that proof itself could carry a burden. 

“Another problem is that there are way too many entities involved in this decision making process for me to keep track of,” added Pollack. “If I’m understanding correctly, in addition to University lawyers and administrative boards, we also have an OSA, a CJC, an OJA, a UA, and I think someone mentioned that we now have a PCP? We need to cut down on all of those so I can really get a grip on how we are going to decide who the bad boys and girls are.”

After her final expression of her general state of incertitude, Pollack clarified at the tail end of her email that none of her decision making was in any way connected with the concerns of the student body. “I’m too busy trying to decipher what all these legalistic and procedural terms are while simultaneously advancing investors’ interests over at IBM. I can’t be bothered to read some sophomore’s opinion column in the Daily Sun or whatever,” concluded Pollack

 

Student Surprised to Find that Nintendo DS Isn’t as Fun as She Remembers

RYE, NY—Bored and nostalgic junior Nancy Alcott ‘21 recently excavated her room to find her old Nintendo DS rolled up inside a Justin Timberlake poster, only to be disappointed in the nonexistent taste of her six year old self. 

“I had so much fun playing with it on long car rides and plane trips, but now all I have are questions,” said Alcott after playing Animal Crossings: Wild World (c. 2005). “How did I even find this fun? These villagers are so needy. Why don’t they weed their own goddamn lawns and water their own goddamn flowers?”

Enraged, Alcott vowed that her childhood wasn’t a lie, and tried to insert her Nintendogs cartridge, only needing to blow on the game and the slot a mere seven times for it to slightly work.

“After having one aspect of my childhood crushed by the perils of adult life, and living with my insufferable parents for the last two months, I knew the only thing that could cheer me up was my virtual beagle puppy, Sparkles. But when I logged on it said he ran away,” lamented Alcott. “I can’t even… this device is horrible. And for God’s sake, what are these crusty orange stains on the buttons?”

As of press time, Alcott had traded her Nintendo DS on Facebook Marketplace for a variety pack of White Claws and had re-downloaded TikTok.

Student Depressed That First Sunburn of the Year Came at Home and Not ‘Tossin’ Disk on the Quad’

MAMARONECK, NY—Thad McQuaid ‘20 recently expressed profound sadness that the first scorching of his oppressively pasty skin happened at home in Westchester, and not on the Arts Quad back in Ithaca.

“It just sucks, bro,” McQuaid explained tearfully. “Every year my boys and I would wait for the first nice day of spring and spend like 12 straight hours just slingin’ the saucer. At the end of the day we’d be so red we’d have to go inside and start coating each other in aloe. Now, that’s gone, and we can’t ever get it back—I’m already burned, man!”

McQuaid, like many Cornellians from the Northeast, was forced to go it alone this weekend, and waste the first horrific sunburn of the year sitting alone in his yard, disk in his hand, instead of the usual all-day frisbee marathon with the dudes.

“I miss him so much,” lamented McQuaid’s plastic-passing partner Darren Wrigley ‘20. “Usually by now we’d have done enough hammer throws to build a fuckin’ house, and then taken ice cold showers to try to correct the second degree burns. But here I am, crispy and alone.”

McQuaid was later seen engaging in a touching Zoom call with Wrigley, as they pretended to rub lavender essential oil on each other’s baked flesh through the camera.

 

Cornell Suspends SAT/ACT Requirements for Students Who Want to Apply Without Getting In

410 THURSTON AVENUE—Citing cancellations resulting from the coronavirus pandemic, the Cornell Undergraduate Admissions Office assured applicants to the class of 2025 that they need not worry about standardized testing requirements, so long as they don’t mind getting rejected.

“We understand that, because of Covid-19, future rejected applicants are unable to take or retake the SAT or ACT, so we’ve suspended the testing requirements,” said Shawn Felton, Director of Undergraduate Admissions. “We don’t want students to fret over this unavoidable situation. As long as you don’t care about being accepted, feel free to apply without any test scores!”

“A significant number of school districts administer free school-wide standardized testing that can no longer take place,” said Sarah Ash, regional Admissions Counselor for Midwest applicants. “Though Cornell has little need for students from families too poor to spend hundreds of dollars on private exams, we encourage them to apply anyway.”

Ash emphasized to potential applicants that “a lack of SAT/ACT scores should not bar any student from applying,” noting, however, that any student who didn’t begin preparing and taking tests a full year before beginning the application process “probably didn’t deserve to be accepted into our Ivy League university.”

“Remember, Ezra Cornell created Cornell to be a place where any student could pursue any study, assuming that person scored at least a 32 on the ACT and cleared a 720 on all their SAT subject tests,” Felton added. “We believe that US News and World Report will find it important that we stick to this core tenet.”

Though Felton characterized the admissions chances of applicants who choose to take this option as “slim to none,” he still sees a path to acceptance for students with “truly exceptional trust funds and intergenerational wealth. At the end of the day,” he concluded, “Cornell needs bright young students who are excited to reinvigorate our campus with new sports stadiums and well-furnished residence halls, and we are committed to making that vision a reality.”

OP-ED: Instead of Abolishing Median Grades Let’s Switch to Using Lower Quartile Grades But Not Tell Anyone

Following Cornell’s decision not to compile median grades for the 2020 Spring Semester, critics have been emboldened in their vocal opposition to the practice, which is designed to curb grade inflation and compare students’ performance to that of their peers. 

Personally, I never understood why they put median grades on our transcripts in the first place. It doesn’t really seem fair that you can bust your hump for four years of high school to get into Cornell, only to be discriminated against in the grad school application process because of all the other big fish nerds in the academic pond. I don’t want anyone to know how easy Oceanography was—if we didn’t have median grades it could plausibly sound like a difficult science class. 

So, while I applaud the motives of the anti-median grades crowd, I think their idea could be much improved. We should simply replace the “median” grade value, which represents the midpoint of the grades, with the “lower quartile” value, which represents the 25th percentile of the data. The only caveat to this ingenious idea is that the switch would have to be made on the down-low, because obviously, if word got out, that would totally defeat the purpose. 

Everyone would benefit from this fantastic idea because the change would make students’ grades look better and all of those foolish grad schools and employers would be none the wiser. Cornell would love it too because all of its alumni would become more successful. It’s a win-win! 

The best part is that even if you end up in the bottom quarter of the grade distribution, you can still rest easy with the knowledge that anyone who views your transcript will view you as a studious individual who did their best in what was clearly a difficult class, instead of just a run-of-the-mill Epsilon-Minus Semi-Moron. Beat the actual median? Now you look like a modern day Albert Einstein! 

So there you have it folks. Now that I’ve outlined my bold new vision I have only one question: Did I just fix grade inflation, end the coronavirus, and save your entire future in one fell swoop? I think so. Sound off in the facebook comments, make a change.org petition, and make sure to send this to your various club GroupMes so that I can further my own pursuit of clout.

BDSM Fanatic Asks Human Bonding Professor Why They Haven’t Covered “the Kinky Stuff” in Class Yet

PORTLAND, OR—When Professor Hazan of HD 3620: Human Bonding asked the 700-person lecture if there were any questions before wrapping up, BDSM fanatic Ryan Homans ‘23 asked why they have yet to cover the “kinky stuff” in the course curriculum.

“We’re already half-way through the semester and we haven’t even discussed the most basic topics like triple hand fisting and steel cable bondage,” said a frustrated Homans. “I thought by now we’d at least be learning about sex swing dynamics and how to determine the initial angle for optimal rapid-fire penetration.”

Before Professor Hazan could respond, Homans pulled up the course description, expressing confusion as to why “non-human primate attachment” did not mention animal roleplay once.

“It was either this course or petitioning to do my own independent study on the teacher-schoolgirl fetish,” said Homans. “I thought that lectures would consist of in-class demonstrations, so I figured taking Human Bonding would be more beneficial to my ‘learning’. Instead, she’s just talking about attachment theory and the science of attractiveness. Really vanilla stuff.”

Homans was later seen in Professor Hazan’s office hours, electrocuting his member every time he got a question wrong.

Student Drops Boyfriend After Realizing He’s as Much Work as a 3 Credit Course

BEDROOM—As the drop deadline quickly approaches and her virtual classes begin to pile on work, Sara Gomez ‘21, has been tempted to cut down on her commitments by dropping her time consuming boyfriend. 

“I’m taking Linear Algebra, Organic Chemistry, Computational Genomics, Electromagnetism, and my boyfriend Jack,” she explained. After Zooming with academic advisors, and going into the dark web to finally find her DUST report, Gomez realized she needs all the courses she’s taking to graduate on time. But she doesn’t need to take Jack. 

“Jack and I typically meet from 10:10-11:00 MWF. Outside of this ‘class-time’, I spend about 30 minutes a day going to my friends’ office hours to complain about him and get advice,” said Gomez while nervously cross-checking her Student Center with her color-coded Google Calendar. “We have a weekly discussion section about our relationship, but sometimes he skips because he doesn’t want to review the material. I guess Jack is about a 3 credit course.” 

In a quick email to Jack, Gomez addressed her need to spend more time on her other classes, despite learning a lot from him. She also acknowledged Jack’s failure to live up to the promises in his course description, which stated that they would both partake in “lively discussion” and that he would “foster her interests”. 

When asked if she could perhaps drop her 3 hours a week of virtual Bread Club meetings or even just watch fewer reruns of Friends and The Office in order to keep Jack and her classes, Gomez declined, citing that she still “has priorities.”

Philosophy Senior Excited to Get a Head Start on Living at Home After College

TOLEDO, OHFollowing four years of pursuing various unemployable majors, jobless Philosophy major Geraldo Hernandez ’20 was thrilled to start living at home indefinitely over 2 months ahead of schedule.

“He keeps saying ‘something will fall into place’ soon, but ‘just wants some time off,’” said Gloria Hernandez, sighing as her son woke up from his second nap of the day asking what’s for dinner. “I got my brother Hector to offer Geraldo an entry-level marketing position at his firm, but apparently my son texted him back saying he’d get back to him in a few months.”

Since he arrived home last Monday, Hernandez has organized his collection of sweatpants and think-pieces by French philosophers and hung up photos of himself rolling and then smoking a blunt. “Going to be here for a while; might as well get comfortable,” he said, closing a Glassdoor tab and relaxing back into his chair. 

As of press time, Hernandez had calmed his mother down by telling her he was “studying the financial markets” as he sold a 60th turnip bunch on Animal Crossing.