Student Researcher Figures Journals Will Understand if They Guesstimate the Last Bit

CORNELL LAB OF ORNITHOLOGY—After being barred from entering her lab, student researcher Rose Schwartz ‘21 speculated that scientific journals would cut her some slack if she fudged the numbers a little bit in her study of bird genomics.

“I understand that publications like Science and Nature have pretty high standards for their journals, but I think we all recognize how exceptional the circumstances are,” said Schwartz. “If I include a letter about how hard it will be for me to get into a good grad lab without getting published, I’m sure they’ll give me a little leeway with the data quality.”

Schwartz, who is investigating rates of genetic diversification in clusters of finch species from two Pacific archipelagos, expressed dismay at having her research cut short but is confident that the peer-reviewed publications would make some exceptions for her, noting that the remaining work was “just some sciency stuff.”

“I just have, like, one or two birds left to analyze,” Schwartz reasoned. “I already have a pretty good hunch about what the data is going to look like, so I think I can just throw that in there with a little note. Besides, they can’t only publish articles about COVID-19, right? That would be so bland—they’ll definitely appreciate the variety.”

Schwartz continued to assure herself that her live research animals would have no problem fending for themselves in the lab until September.

Freshman Forced to Pretend Senior Acquaintance Really Meant Something to Them

ITHACA—As seniors prepare to leave campus, they must come to terms with having to say farewell to their dear friends. Many freshmen, on the other hand, face a different problem: faking any semblance of sincerity in their goodbyes to senior acquaintances. 

Kyle Fernsby ‘23 is among the population of freshmen who aren’t friends with seniors, yet are so desperate for acceptance that they’d eat their own feet for a chance to appear socially competent. Forced to grapple with his total lack of any actual meaningful interaction, Fernsby must now feign affection for the seniors he genuinely hasn’t known long enough to form an opinion about. 

“With everything that’s happening in the world, there’s just so much more pressure for sentimental, personal goodbyes,” said Fernsby. “So here I am, preparing a thirty-minute video tribute set to Sarah McLachlan’s ‘I Will Remember You.”’ He then proceeded to poorly photoshop himself giving high fives to static photos of upperclassmen as the words “Ride or Die” scrolled across the screen in Comic Sans font. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll really miss… um, Kevin? Yeah, yeah, Kevin. He was a member of the business frat I joined. Cool…. cool guy. I think he plays basketball? Yeah, really such an integral part of my college experience,” said Fernsby, sweating profusely. At press time, it was discovered that the senior’s name was in fact Bernard, and not Kevin. 

When asked what they thought of Fernsby’s attempt at heartfelt farewell, each of his senior acquaintances expressed zero recollection of ever having met him. 

Student Uses Extended Break to Rediscover Love of Being Terrible at Hobbies

TAMPA, FL—While most students headed home with heavy hearts upon learning of Cornell’s closure, Riley Clemens ‘21 was reportedly delighted at the prospect of finally having time to reignite her long-dormant passion: being absolutely god-awful at every hobby she attempts.

 “Hobbies are a great way to feel creative without any of the associated risks,” said Clemens, beaming with unearned confidence. “Now, more than ever, is the time for us to rediscover our identities through artwork and free expression, and by God, did I ever find my true self in the lopsided, brown drips of the twelve crayons I melted together with a hairdryer.”

 Since the break began, Clemens has spent her time pursuing a series of hobbies, each executed more disastrously than the last. What began as writing edgy, middle-school-esque poetry led to attempting to bake bread, which later culminated in painting self-portraits with obnoxious symbolism and wildly inaccurate proportions. 

Asked for comment, Clemens’ father, Raymond, offered “We pray every hour that this doesn’t devolve into a desire to become TikTok famous. We could tolerate the adult coloring books and attempts at acoustic covers of ‘Wonderwall’, but there’s a special place in the orphanage for Riley if she starts dancing to Doja Cat songs for strangers in our guest bathroom.” 

At press time, Clemens was spotted ambitiously eyeing a set of knitting needles, eager to let her Instagram followers know all about her new “element” only to immediately abandon the project afterwards. 

Student Hellbent on Staying in Ithaca Disappointed to Learn Cornell is a People, Not a Place

LINDEN AVE—Wilke Geoff, ‘20, was devastated upon his realization that his love for Cornell stems from the amazing people that teach, learn, and work there, rather than its physical architecture.

Geoff, despite the flight of his roomates, had resolved to “stick it out” in Ithaca, even going as far as posting a fist-shaking GIF Jordan Belfort declaring “I’m not fucking leaving” on his Instagram story.  “He kept going on about how he’d stay in Ithaca and ‘it would be basically the same, just without classes,’” recalled Sarah Resy, ‘21, a friend Geoff’s.

Following a particularly emotional season finale of Friends, which he had seen literally dozens of times before, Geoff was struck by the realization that his Big Red love is aimed not at a bizarre mish-mash of architectural styles on the outskirts of a backwoods rural community, but the people that make it so special. 

“It was a bit of an afterschool special moment, dude,” he revealed. “Like, it just hit me that everything I treasure about Cornell my memories, my clubs, my friends, the amazing stuff I’ve been able to study have nothing to do with physical location. Which kind of sucks because now I’m living in my collegetown apartment alone, and it turns out it’s way less lit when no one is here and all the bars and restaurants are biohazards.”

Geoff is considering returning home, but is still trying to figure out how to walk back his heated statement to his mother that “I’ll live at home again when Cornell divests from fossil fuels!” So, it’s likely to be a while.

“Moving to Zoom Will Be Hard, But We’re Prepared For It” Says IFC About New Party Format

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In reaction to the upcoming closure of Cornell’s campus for undergraduates, the Interfraternity Council has released a statement saying that “although there will be disruptions as we make this transition,” they expect to “learn to adjust” as fraternities begin to hold all parties over Zoom.

“Obviously, we wish all attendees could squeeze into a sticky basement together rather than sitting alone in front of computer monitors all over the globe,” the statement said. “But we trust the spirit of our opens and mixers alike will be captured by the online video conferencing software.”

The statement also noted that several services are being considered to add to the experience, such as recorded parties for those in different timezones and Canvas discussion threads so partygoers can hold individual conversations.

“Fully moving parties to Zoom won’t be easy, but know that no matter what, we won’t compromise on the world-class social experience we all came to Cornell for,” the statement concluded.

Immediately after the statement was sent out, the Cornell administration banned fraternities from holding parties over Zoom.

OP-ED: Am I the Right Person to Educate a Racially Ambiguous Student on Issues of Ethnic Identity?

I was sitting at Terrace yesterday when I overheard a boy with an equivocal ethnic background echoing a number of problematic opinions involving race and class. Unfortunately, in a truly frustrating dilemma, I couldn’t give an unsolicited schooling on intersectionality and ethnicity because his complete lack of distinguishing factors meant I didn’t know if it was my place to do so.  

Was I the wrong person to tell him that identifying with the culture associated with one’s surname is entirely one’s own choice, not a designation they are forced to live with? It’s unclear, because his mochaccino-esque skin tone made me wary to enlighten him out of fear I may (unexpectedly!) be the ignorant one. 

Sure, his thoughts on diversity and inclusion in corporate hiring practices was ill-informed at best, but maybe his beliefs on “pulling oneself up by the bootstraps” was simply a reflection of his own upbringing as a first, second, or maybe even third generation American. It’s frankly impossible to tell if or where his parents may have immigrated from.

For now, I will sit quietly and let him speak freely, because I won’t be mistaken as unwoke simply to make a point. Just as long as he doesn’t bring up that goddamn lawsuit about Asian bias at Harvard. 

CS Major Annoyed She Left Women’s Day Conference with No Swag, Just Renewed Sense of Purpose

This article was sponsored by the Smart is Strong Foundation and their International Women’s Day Conference, featuring a powerful and passionate speaker series of women inspiring change in their communities. The theme this year, #BeTheChangeSiS, is built upon igniting positive change by raising awareness of important issues and offering next steps to address them. The event is this Sunday, March 8, from 2-4pm in Klarman KG70—there will be free food! More details available here. 

KLARMAN HALL—Following a day of empowering female speakers and joyful celebration of women in STEM, Christina Jefferson ’22 emerged more confident in her ability to overcome systemic hurdles but frustratingly empty-handed with respect to pens, notebooks, and stickers.

“I really expected that they would be giving out some dope swag, like a fidget spinner or novelty stress toy. Even a phone wallet pocket with the Venus symbol on it would have made the rousing, passionate speakers better,” Jefferson bemoaned.  The programming, which deeply and personally moved Jefferson to work towards lofty goals in the male-dominated tech industry, nevertheless failed to provide any sort of disposable tchotchkes for students to clutter their desks with.

“I got really excited when the keynote speaker, Elena Gupta ‘19, said she was going to leave us with something. I thought for sure it was about to be an Oprah ‘check-under-your-seats’ situation. But then it was just ‘a few parting words’ about the power we as women wield to affect change. I can’t stuff my Cornell ID inside words.”

“Majoring in a STEM field really erodes my confidence, and I worry that I’m not as qualified or talented as my male peers. It would have made me feel so good to get some great knick-knacks that the boys don’t have, but I suppose this life-changing motivation will have to do. I do know what I’m talking about, and my contributions matter!” Given all of this, Jefferson rated the conference as “solid,” despite the lack of free keychains and lanyards.

Jefferson suggested that the “Smart is Strong” organizers could learn a lot from tables at the career fair. “Sure, a recruiter asked me if I was just in the Engineering school to get my ‘M-R-S’ degree, but at least I got a bobblehead of the company’s CEO, who is currently in litigation over three distinct allegations of sexual harassment.”

Cornell Health’s Zany Health-Related Meme Posters Frankly Just Not Cutting It Right Now

CORNELL HEALTH—Despite a valiant effort to keep morale high, the goofy posters of wellness memes Cornell Health has been hanging up just are not going to get it done at the moment.

“I totally understand they’re doing their best to keep everyone’s spirits up,” said Ramash Miraja ‘22. “But when I get an email from Ryan Lombardi telling me just how many people are dying out in Washington I kind of need more than a ‘Keep Calm and Cornell On’ poster.”

The nursing staff at Cornell Health have taken a different perspective, as they abandon all duties not directly related to harvesting the dankest of health memes.

“It’s really keeping us going, since we know that otherwise we’re pretty much screwed six ways to Sunday,” commented Katie Klein, RN. “If Covid does make its way to Cornell, due to its insane infectiousness and lack of vaccination, we’re largely fucked living in such an enclosed community. Good thing is, we’ll all go down laughing at grumpy cat complaining about people not washing their hands.”

As morale dwindles, the healthcare professionals tasked with caring for the Cornell community have decided to triage walk in cases, and wait times have skyrocketed. The bright side: the waiting room looks like the trending page of the Wholesome Memes subreddit, and sometimes there’s candy!

Absolute Freak Keeps Calling CS “Computer Science”

GATES HALL—In a bizarre showing, one freshman barbarian insists on calling CS “Computer Science,” whatever that is.

“I’m getting absolutely blasted in my introductory computer science classes” lamented Mitchell Fawkes ‘23 to his bewildered friends. “I just do not understand how Matrix Laboratory works, and none of the other computer science majors seem to want to help me. They just stare at me with a blank look and ask if I’m in the right class.”

Some of Fawkes’s associates have decided that his eccentricity is just too much, and have cut contact with him entirely.

“Yeah, I couldn’t keep that going,” said Fawkes’s former girlfriend Mikaela Richmond ‘23. “I just started to feel like he was messing with me—like he was speaking his own language, and I wasn’t in on the joke. I finally ended it when he asked me how I was liking ‘Industrial and Labor Relations’. I’m in ILR. How hard is that? For a boyfriend to remember your major?”

At press time, Fawkes shared experiences of shunning, even from peer counselors, being asked to leave without consultation when enquiring about “Cornell Empathy, Assistance and Referral Services”. 

Lone Homework-Related Tab Sad Reminder of Productive Time Long Past

OLIN LIBRARY—As Sarah Liang ’22 watched the tenth consecutive Instagram story from an acquaintance she hadn’t talked to since high school, she noticed the one tab at the far left of her browser related to her homework, bringing back memories of the work she set out to do two hours before.

Seeing the tab, which contained two problem set solutions and was directly adjacent to six tabs of /r/amitheasshole posts, made Liang briefly consider resuming her work as she closed and instinctively reopened Instagram.

“Just five more minutes then I’ll get back to work,” she thought to herself, knowing full well that she’d waste at least an hour before noticing the tab again.

As of press time, Liang had reopened the tab, wrote one and a half sentences, and then pulled up a Bon Appétit video where they make gourmet Butterfingers.