Ultra-Powerful Gaming Laptop Used for School

IVES HALL—Overclocking his 9th Generation Intel Core and NVIDIA GeForce RTX to open yet another Wikipedia tab, Dennis Murphy ‘23 pushed the absolute limits of his Razer Blade Pro 17 to write an essay for his FWS. 

With each keystroke, the keys on Murphy’s individually backlit ghost-proof Chroma keyboard flashed in a beautiful chromatic symphony, serving as a reminder to everyone else in the Cocktail Lounge that their laptop and, thus, the work they produced using it, was inferior.

“I was looking for the right laptop to buy for college,” explained Murphy. “And I knew I needed something really high spec to run all the Word Documents and PowerPoints I’d be making as an ILR major.”

Indeed, the Razer Blade Pro 17 comes equipped with 16 GB of RAM, all of which Murphy utilizes when executing demanding applications like Microsoft Edge and Slack. 

At press time, Murphy had been forced to restart his laptop after being repeatedly disconnected from Eduroam.

Stupid Fuck Still Thinks He’s Getting Free Printing

OLIN LIBRARY—Despite the announcement that free printing on campus has been delayed until next fall, dumb piece of shit Andy Bardner ‘21 still has faith that Cornell will eventually provide free printing.

“I’ve done a whole cost-benefit analysis, and it’s at least a few cents cheaper to wait for free printing than purchasing my own printer, paper, and ink,” said Bardner, too much of an absolute fucking clown to realize free printing will be delayed every semester until after he graduates. 

While most of Bardner’s non-fuckwad peers resigned to buying a $40 printer on Amazon, the utter dipshit insists on hauling ass to campus to print assignments at ungodly hours as if more than 200 of the 3000 pages he prints annually could even possibly be free.

“Even if I lose money here, at least I’ll make it back when Cornell realizes it should lower the cost of bus passes, gym memberships, and housing,” continued the complete dickhead.

As of press time, Cornell IT is focusing on improving Net-Print by requiring Three-Step Login.

YouTube AutoPlay Function Bests yet Another Veteran Computer Science Professor

CARPENTER HALL—A CS 3410 lecture came to a screeching halt Tuesday morning in the most recent case of YouTube AutoPlay catching a world-renowned professor off guard.

Seconds after showing his class a YouTube video on multicore system architectures, Professor David M. Tronkowski, a 72-year-old Stanford Ph.D. and veteran computer scientist, was interrupted by an unexpected 45-minute RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars Season 3 highlight video.

The former Xerox Palo Alto Research Center researcher credited with early developments in graphical user interfaces, complex data network structures, and deep neural networks, frantically stumbled to turn the classroom projector off and on three times to no avail before trying a different remedy.

Unsure of whether he wanted to close all tabs or just his current browser tab, the Fellow of the American Academy of Arts and Sciences instead elected to restart the computer.

“It was a little sad to watch, but I sure wasn’t gonna go in front of the class and solve this easily fixable problem,” stated Mark McTailor ‘19. “Last semester when Drag Race All Stars Season 2 videos kept popping up, I got used to the routine. At least he’s gotten through a season since then.”  

After the eighteen minute ordeal resulted in his laptop being completely disconnected from the A/V system, Tronkowski decided to just release the class and finish watching the highlight video on his phone.

Tech Illiterate Professor Can’t Figure Out How To Work The Chalkboard

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Although English professor Marjorine Williamson is routinely celebrated for being the oldest and most published in her department, this bitch is still having trouble getting the chalkboard to work.

“I mean she’s clearly brilliant,” said Lyle Glagadeen ‘19, “but this bitch can’t even hold chalk properly and she always uses the wrong side of the eraser. I guess she’s just too used to etching words into stones and stuff from when she was a kid.”

Although the chalkboard was invented in the 1840s, it remains advanced technology for the professor, who is aware that many of her students refer to her as “this bitch.”

“Cut me some slack, fellas! I was born in a different era from all these teens who grew up with their chalk and their boards and whatnot,” said Williamson as she emerged from her horse-drawn carriage.

Rumor has it that Marjorine “This Bitch” Williamson will retire in 2019, unless she dies first by choking on chalk, which she frequently mistakes for cigarettes.

Professor to Start Posting Links on Blackboard

MCGRAW HALL – After recommendations from his students and the administration, Professor Desmond Wallace, anthropology, has decided to start posting his articles on Blackboard.

“I suppose you can say I’ve emerged from the Stone Age, per se,” said Wallace, as he proudly wrote out the hyperlinks to the online reading in chalk on the board. “Now that I think about it, it’s amazing we tolerated such an inefficient distribution system for decades of teaching.”

Wallace has described his new teaching system as a broader part of his efforts towards creating the ultimate “21st century classroom,” which he says will enhance the teaching experience and make anthropological texts more accessible.

“Whenever students would like to access the articles, they can use their notebooks and the provided glue sticks to copy and paste the links,” boasted Wallace, pointing out how his new classroom will revolutionize teaching in the humanities for decades to come.

Cornell Store Unveils iClicker 7

HO PLAZA — In a much anticipated announcement, the newest model of the popular iClicker series was revealed during the annual World Wide Notebook Conference at the Cornell Store.

“The iClicker 7 series truly revolutionizes modern teaching through a myriad of cutting-edge advancements,” said Cornell Store Director Tim Carvell, waltzing across the stage sporting a black turtleneck and jeans, brandishing in his hands the newest revolution in educational technology.

The iClicker 7 boasts fascinating new features, such as streaming capabilities to watch live feeds of your professor from the back row, or a headphone jack for the perfect song while you wait for lecture to start. The i7 even requires a touch identification before answering to ensure students can’t skip lecture by giving their clicker to someone else.

“We envisioned a world where you don’t need to scramble from one device to another to answer your quiz questions. With the iClicker 7, all your multiple choice answering needs can be found in one sleek, artfully crafted place,” added Carvell in front of hundreds of crazed students already filling out orders for the newest device.

The Cornell Store listed the iClicker 7’s starting cost as $799, and that they’ll be required during lecture next week.

Clock Tower Updated To High Definition Retina Display

McGRAW TOWER — After years of obsolescence, Cornell’s clock tower has finally undergone renovations and has been updated to a newer, sleeker digital interface at 326 pixels per inch.

“With technology changing as rapidly as it is today, we need to be sure to keep up with modern trends,” said Dave Choi of the University Campus Planning Office, “and adding the LCD display and touch screen seemed like the most obvious direction to take the clock tower.”

The replacement of the analog clock will also be accompanied by a new, marimba-inspired alarm tone set to sound every fifteen minutes, and a speech synthesis device to read off the exact time at the top of every hour.

“It’ll be absolutely perfect for Skyping my parents,” commented Sandra Walters ’17, “they’ve always wanted to come to campus, and now I can show them the best view in the world, assuming they get the webcams installed before I graduate.”

Additionally, the tower is also expected to hold up to 20,000 chimes songs in its 64 gigabyte hard drive.

Department of Computer Science to Offer Seminar on How to Leave Listservs

GATES HALL — After an increasing number of students confused by the process of unsubscribing to an e-list, the Department of Computer Science faculty have announced plans to offer CS 0900: Leaving Listservs in the Digital Age.

“More and more students of the Cornell community are beginning to realize that part of having a fulfilling college experience is to not get bombarded with emails,” said Professor Kitteridge Logan, who will teach the course on how one requests to be removed from a database of email addresses. “In the meantime, we hope that our students will be more wary of the kind of persistently irritating digital communities they choose to engage with.”

“I finally feel like we’re going to learn something practical, something we can actually use in real life,” commented bioengineering major Miles DeLuca ’18, excited not to have to forward emails from the Table Tennis Club to his spam folder any longer.

Professor Kitteridge Logan has also shown excitement for his new course. “The field is changing and developing at a faster rate than we can ever hope to keep up with. By the time the course is done, everything they’d have learned could be completely obsolete. But the field is just too exciting to ignore.”

Professor Logan will also be instructing CS 0901: How to Not Fuck Up Pre-Enroll in Fall in the summer.

Cornell Daily Sun Abandons Obsolete Online Presence for State-of-the-Art Print Newspaper

ITHACA COMMONS—After over a decade of publishing their daily newspaper online, The Cornell Daily Sun has officially decided to cut their anachronistic and outdated digital branch and stop publishing on their website.

“We at the Sun have a commitment to staying contemporary and felt that deleting our website would be a good place to start in our strive to remaining relevant and fresh,” said Stephanie Kim, Assistant to the Editor of the Cornell Daily Sun in a statement released today.

“With such low demand for our online server, the cost of maintaining the website is too great to support. Some of our more conservative readers will undoubtedly struggle in fully giving up their beloved digital format, but I think once they see that print is the future of journalism, they will finally submit to deactivating our tumblr page, the last vestiges of our tired electronic presence, and going exclusively print.”

Later on in the day, the Sun’s editors were seen closing the lids on their laptops and headed to the Risley basement, where they plan on firing up their 1911 printing press for tomorrow’s morning edition.

Water Discovered on Cornell Daily Sun Servers

ITHACA COMMONS — After several days of internal probing, the Cornell Daily Sun has conclusively determined that a pool of liquid water exists on their servers currently facing technical difficulties.

“This is a truly exciting new discovery,” said Peyton Schwarz ’16 systems manager for the top-ranked collegiate news source in America. “We will now be able to answer some the big questions of life like, ‘Are we the only intelligent beings in the universe trying to figure out why our website is down?'”

In the days leading up to the discovery, the editorial staff was still under the assumption that The Sun was just a frozen, arid website that may once have supported readers eons earlier. Now that free-flowing H2O has been uncovered inside their computer hardware, there may yet be hope for users to exist on their page.

“We hope that one day in the not-too-distant future, our site will be able to be visited by humans regularly,” Schwartz added. “I hope this can happen before our print edition succumbs to Earth’s disappearing paper resources.”