Dyson Junior Networks Too Hard, Marries Goldman Sachs Recruiter

SAGE CHAPEL—After schmoozing with Goldman Sachs recruiter Meredith Hook at a company information session last Thursday, Zackary Chase ‘20 found himself in a marriage engagement, rather than landing a prestigious job as he originally intended.

“When I handed her my resume and she saw my 2.79 GPA, I thought I was done for,” said Chase, staring adoringly at his wife-to-be during preparations for the wedding. “But I really wanted this job and connections are important, so I asked her to meet for coffee after the info session. Before I knew it, I had proposed with my emergency mood ring!”

Mr. and Mrs. Chase continued to discuss networking strategy over slices of moist wedding cake at their reception in Sage Chapel. In between being fed delicate forkfuls by the adoring groom, the newly-renamed Mrs. Meredith Chase gave more detail about the the hiring process. “When it comes to investment banking,” she said, “we like to keep it all in the family.”

While Mr. Chase has not yet gotten an interview with Goldman Sachs, he remains optimistic.

Freshman Unsure Which Washing Machine Full of Cornell T-Shirts is Hers

LOW RISE 6—Freshman Rachel Xiong’s first attempt at doing laundry since coming to college was brought to a halt yesterday after she could not determine which load of red and gray Cornell t-shirts belonged to her.

“It’s a complete disaster. I put all my clothes in there—Arts and Sciences T-shirts for daily wear, Big Red hats for when it’s sunny, and the Cornell sweatshirts I wore to O-week parties,” said Xiong, who at least was able to rule out the machine full of Harvard gear. “I don’t know what I’m going to wear if I can’t figure this out. Maybe I’ll swing by the Cornell Store after class tomorrow.”

According to sources in the laundry room, both loads belong to Xiong.