CORNELL HEALTH—In a surprising display of thoughtfulness from Cornell’s mental health services, CAPS has begun to suggest that overwhelmed students take a year off in between every lecture.
“We see so many kids needlessly stressing out about their grades, and the pandemic, and literally everything else,” says counselor Matthew Greene. “It’s a good idea for them to take some time to clear their heads, and get a bit of real-world experience before learning the next half of that one derivation. Also, it gives me less work to do.”
Noelle Lovin ’TBD credits her “totally chill vibes” to the massive number of gap years she has taken. “I’ve been here since 1974,” she says, evading any questions about why she still looks 20 and what the suspicious red liquid in her water bottle is. “It’s so nice to take all these super tough classes at my own pace. The financial aid office won’t give me any more money, and one time they tried to kill me with a wooden stake, but like, it’s all good, man. I mean, I’m still here.”
“Of course, not every student has the immortality or stacks of cash necessary to take that many gap years,” says Greene, when asked about program alternatives. “But we here at CAPS are dedicated to improving all mental health on campus, including those who can’t pay my salary for thirty years. Have you considered downloading a meditation app instead?”
At press time, Lovin could be found skimming through a worn copy of Bram Stoker’s Dracula, to prepare for her next essay due in seven years’ time.