Crazy Motherfucker Regularly Wakes Up at 5:00AM

COLLEGETOWN – Regularly hopping out of bed early, crazy motherfucker Damien Shultz ‘19 wakes up at the unfathomable hour of 5:00am every single day.

“I can’t even comprehend how this maniac willingly chooses to wake up and even get dressed before 9:00am,” says roommate Paul Andrews ‘19, running on 5 hours and 3 cups of coffee. “If I slept like that, I would be a certifiable goddamn kook.”

The ludicrous little shit decides to eat breakfast, go to the gym, and finish his homework all before he has to even think about packing up and heading to lecture. This insane son of a bitch doesn’t even have class until 10am. That’s five hours of unnecessary consciousness for this unhinged bastard.

In addition to waking up at the asscrack of dawn, Shultz decides every night to go to sleep by 9pm to ensure that he gets 8 full hours of rest like some Ted Bundy shit.