ARTS QUAD—Adding to his friends’ goddamn never ending list of complaints about the recent hot weather, Daniel Brenner ‘21 remarked on the difference between Ithaca’s humidity and the hot, arid climate of his hometown in Arizona for the fifth fucking time this week. “I would take 100 degrees and dry over 80 degrees and humid…
ITHACA, NY — Following the announcement that Cornell University classes will be canceled as of noon today because of a major snowstorm, reports indicate that attending college in a frozen hellscape such as Ithaca, New York, is finally paying off for students. “When I first started school at this frigid purgatory of a town I…
ARTS QUAD – Following a relatively surprising November snowstorm, reports indicate that Cornell students are using the change in weather as a conversation topic in place of much more controversial issues dominating discussions for the past month. “Wow, I can’t believe it’s so snowy!” said Hannah Palmer ’19, choosing to ignore potentially polarizing subjects such…
I’m done. That’s it. I give up. I’m not showering until the weather cools down. Every single day, no matter where I go or what time it is, I am drenched in sweat from head to toe. Collegetown to Uris? No question. Rockefeller to the Engineering Quad? Yep. I had to walk from Klarman to…
You’ve changed. You used to be cool, detached, stoic—cold, even—and that’s what I fell in love with when that first snowflake touched my tongue. But now you’re giving me a warmth that I’m not used to, and it’s like I don’t even know you anymore. So what I’m trying to say is, it’s not really…
TOMPKINS COUNTY — Hundreds of dustbowl farmers in the greater Tompkins County area are rejoicing at the coming of the rain, after months of drought brought no crops to their land. “Madge! Madge, get out here, you’re not gonna believe this!” cried Ernest Young, finally seeing the thick storm clouds form overhead and drop a…
TOMPKINS COUNTY — Gerry the Ithaca weather monster is announcing his retirement after he tried all year to build up massive amounts of snow to dump on students and residents in the greater Tompkins County region, only to see all his hard work melted by man-made global warming. “I’m done. I can’t stand it,” Gerry…
DONLON HALL — California freshman Julia Style got back from class earlier this snowy afternoon to find the phrase “Prepare Yourself” scrawled in blood on the door to her room. The incident is one of many in a long line of omens sent to those from traditionally warm hometowns, warning them of the coming Ithaca…
ARTS QUAD – Hundreds of potential new students visited Cornell’s campus this weekend only to have an absolutely misleading impression of what the climate is like. “It’s so beautiful here! I can’t wait to start here in the fall and do all my work on the Arts Quad,” described Julia Nichols ‘19, a chump of…
CAYUGA LAKE WATERSHED — Every Spring, thousands of salmon shorts (salmo braccae) travel hundreds of miles upstream to mate and lay their eggs. Hundreds of miles from the Northeast Coast where the shorts start their journey, Ithaca is home to one of the largest displays of pink pants traveling to their natural spawning grounds. “These…
