WORLD CUP REPORT: Your Roommate is 1/16th Argentinian, Apparently

WEST CAMPUS—In a shocking turn of events, one student’s milktoast European roommate revealed himself to be “like 1/16th Argentinian” as the World Cup began.

“My great-great-grandfather lived in Argentina, actually!” explained James Brunner ‘24, in blue face paint and a Lionel Messi jersey. “¡Soy Argentino! I love my country, from the beautiful buildings of Buenos Aires to the… beautiful streets of Buenos Aires. The culture of Argentiña runs in my blood, and I’m honestly thrilled to represent my nation’s colors during the World Cup! Vamos Messi!”

Brunner spent the week opining over the storied legacy of the Argentine Men’s National Team. When asked to name his three favorite players in football history, Brunner quickly rattled off the names of Diego Maradona, Leo Messi, and “any other Argentine player.” His friend group has expressed concern over this new identity. 

“He’s never been to Argentina,” claimed Jeff Donner ‘24. “He bought an Ancestry.com test just so he wouldn’t have to root for America’s garbage team this year. In fact, no one knows where he’s from. He claimed to have been born in LA for last year’s Super Bowl, and now all of a sudden he’s a Philadelphian from birth. He’s an international bandwagoner.”

Brunner’s enthusiasm for his newfound ancestry dimmed when he was informed his great-great-grandfather had moved to Buenos Aires from Dresden in 1945.

White Kid with Asian Girlfriend Pretty Confident He Can Make Dumplings for His Family

NEWPORT, RI—Sophomore Brian Dennings ‘22 displayed an exceptionally high amount of misplaced self-confidence in his ability to make authentic dumplings, simply because his “girlfriend is Chinese.”

“How hard could it actually be?” Dennings asked. “My girlfriend makes dumplings for her family all the time, and just because her mom taught her how to cook them over the course of years doesn’t mean I can’t nail it using a recipe I found online on my first try.”

Dennings FaceTimed his girlfriend, Jennifer Liang ‘22, to ignorantly flaunt his disastrous, so-called progress. 

“Well, I couldn’t find any ground pork or chicken, but we did have precooked frozen meatballs, so I par cooked them in the microwave and threw ‘em in,” Dennings asserted with a Napoleon-invading-Russia-in-the-winter level of unwarranted certainty. “And while we didn’t have any cabbage, I got some storebrand coleslaw, so it’ll probably work. Right, babe?”

“I’m worried for the safety of his family,” lamented Liang. “I tried to tell him that you can’t use canned French-fried onions as a substitute for chopped scallions, but he swears he’s seen me do it before… which he most definitely has not.” 

Dennings proceeded to iron his “dumplings” closed, making the self-assured—and categorically false—claim that “the Chinese use steam in every step of the process.”