OP-ED: I Didn’t Spell Your Name Wrong, Your Parents Did

If I am forced to endure the humiliation of being placed with three random students for a doomed group project, required to carry the burden that is creating the PowerPoint, and undergo the emotional labor of selecting the order in which the names will be listed on the presentation. (If I put my name first, I seem like a cocky asshole, but I refuse to sell myself short by putting my name last especially since I have done all the work of creating this presentation, thus far). The absolute LAST thing I need from my pathetic, oaf-like group members is to tell me that I spelled their names wrong when they have done nothing until now but sit here and stare at me, breathing with their mouths open.

FIRST my group member makes me second guess my work, staring at his name to make sure I spelled Michael like any other English speaking- bald eagle loving American citizen would. THEN he has the GALL to tell me  “no it’s actually Mycal with a Y and no H.”  

He had the audacity to say it to me like I was the one who fucked up when HIS PARENTS were the ones who deigned to put a Y in a name that has no Y and remove the H from a name that historically contains a goddamn H! The name Michael is historically derived from a Hebrew name that means “who is like god.” Tell me ‘Mycal’, do your parents think they’re smarter than FUCKING GOD? There are many things I’d challenge god for but ruining a perfectly good name is not one of them. 

Mycals parents (who I now imagine to be named Krysteenaah and Sztievin) violated my number one rule when it comes to naming children: misspelling a name does not make it in anyway unique. It just makes you fucking irritating to anyone who has ever had to write or spell your name. If your name is Karissell or Paislee, I regret to inform you that your parents have broken my second cardinal rule of naming children: misspelling a word does not make it a name. My last rule goes out to all of the Karsyns, Karleighs, and Avahs, of the world. If as I am typing “correct” spelling of your name, that little red dotted line appears and auto correct is just fiending for me to change it to a normal spelling or, perhaps a different word entirely, the name was never correctly spelled to begin with.

 If this stirs up some sort of identity crisis, I am not sorry. Please seek help and then confront your parents about this injustice in a very public way.  May I suggest the thanksgiving dinner table or the funeral of a close family member.