Student’s Parents Excited To Attend Virtual Slope Day Concert Too

PORTLAND, OR—Parents of Julius Saratoga ‘21 have been counting down the days until the upcoming Virtual Slope Day Concert.

“When Jules mentioned the concert, I thought it was a fantastic opportunity for us to have some family bonding time!” said his mother Elena Saratoga. “He mentioned that some folks named Smiley, Rico Nico, a Booger in a Hooder, and Glaucoma, were performing. Can’t say I’ve heard of them but if they’re good enough for Julie-kins, they’re good enough for me.”

Saratoga’s parents expressed concerns over how to best prepare for the concert, lamenting that Saratoga had remained evasive on the question of when the concert was being held. “Juli-love is just shy. He has nothing to worry about! We’re cool parents.”

Saratoga’s father Ed professed excitement towards the virtual format. “Video chat is great these days! I’d love to meet some of Judge Julie’s friends and see what a day with the boys is like! I’ll be keeping our video on for sure.”

“I’m so glad we get to celebrate this special tradition with our special boy,” Elena concluded. “I only wish aunt Carrie and uncle Jorge could celebrate with us too. Oh! That gives me an idea—maybe I’ll invite the whole Saratoga clan!”

“I only wish my little Ceasar Salad could tell us more about what it was like! When I asked, all he could tell me about last year’s Slope Day was that he blacked. I guess that’s some new slang for forgetting about events that happened a long time ago.”

50 Students in Zoom Patiently Waiting For 2-Person Side Conversation to End

ZOOM SERVERS—Members of the Cornell Flyer project team have spent the last 90 seconds sitting patiently on the team meeting Zoom call while teammates Sarah Chen ’21 and Jacob Thomas ’22 engaged in an ongoing discussion about a TV show they both like.

“I was all set to ask a question about the shape of the airfoils, but I haven’t been able to get a word in since Jackson and Sarah started raving about some scene in ‘Killing Eve.’ I don’t think anyone else in the call has watched that show,” said Maya Tobin ’22. “The scene does sound pretty good, but I’d like to get back to discussing the new wing design.”

Most members on the call expected the aside to end after Thomas mentioned that he’d been watching the show and Chen exclaimed that she loved the nightclub scene, but quickly realized they’d be waiting for a while after Thomas began to talk about “how good” the acting is in that sequence.

Team lead Alejandra Dan ’20 began trying to curtail the exchange 15 seconds ago, but the two talkers have yet to register her attempts to interject.

“I hope they finish up soon,” said Darius Tinker ’21. “I want to make sure there’s time to discuss my thoughts on the BoJack Horseman series finale.”

Medieval Literature FWS Sets New Record With 62 Minutes of Unbroken Silence After Question

ROCKFORD, IL—Area graduate student and instructor of MEDVL 1101: Middle English Poetry, Carlos Galarraga, has reportedly achieved a record-setting sixty-two minute period of silence after asking a question about a recent reading to his first-year writing seminar.

“It got a little awkward in there for a bit, but I believe it’s really important to let students think out their whole response prior to making them answer,” said Galarraga, seemingly unfazed by the hour-long pause. “Even back on campus, it would sometimes take twenty, maybe thirty minutes to get a response after some tough questions, so I don’t think this is too out of the ordinary.”

The unparalleled waiting time, which began after Galarraga asked if the class could identify any similarities between Havelok the Dane and more modern romances, shattered the previous record of fifty-six minutes, which was set by the same MEDVL 1101 section a few weeks earlier. Sources confirmed that the silence continued until the instructor adjourned the class over an hour later.

“Although their cameras and mics were all off, I could sense they had some good ideas brewing,” Galarraga stated. “First-years can be very hesitant to speak up if they have even the slightest doubt in themselves, but I thought it would be best to let it play out naturally.”

“What the hell is a Havelok? I haven’t done any of the readings since the second week of the semester,” remarked Alice Kortina ‘23, a student in the seminar. “I just mute my computer and go back to sleep after checking in, which is basically what I did when this was held in person too.”

At press time, Galarraga was seen drafting an email to his students applauding them for their “mature level of pensivity and clear commitment to the art of poetry”. 

TA’s Parents Screaming in Background of Office Hours Really Contributing to Learning Experience

ATLANTA, GA—During his weekly Monday night office hours, area CS 4780 TA Jeffrey Green has reportedly been providing exceptional help, clarifying difficult course concepts, and almost successfully drowning out his off-camera parents’ raucous arguments about who should be doing the dishes.

Like most Mondays, during this week’s session, students sat in the Zoom waiting room, joined a breakout room after a half hour or so, and then relayed their questions to a noticeably frustrated Green as his parents, Deborah and David Green, engaged in a cacophonous shouting match in the other room.

Despite the shift away from campus, Green’s students reportedly feel extremely engaged during his office hours, particularly with the very audible marital tension occurring within earshot of his web camera. Office hours attendance has increased sharply in recent weeks as students have more and more unanswered questions for Green ahead of finals. 

“So your dad did or didn’t say he’d sort the laundry before 5:00?” asked Michele Larrison ‘21. “And, I know we’ve covered this before, but could you remind me, Angelica is your mom’s younger sister? The attractive one who’s caused problems before, right?” 

Student curiosity and satisfaction with Green’s office hours seem to suggest a more enthusiastic classroom environment than ever before. 

“Jeffrey’s office hours have been really beneficial, and I think I’ve gained a much better comprehension of backpropagation ahead of our exam,” said Charlie McBain ‘20 “and more importantly, I really think his mom needs to chill out- Walgreens receipt timestamps cannot be easily forged like she thinks.” 

Faced with the choice between the echo-plagued Wednesday TA who does not wear headphones and the glitchy Friday TA whose family hasn’t upgraded their wifi since 2005, Green’s Monday night sessions and deteriorating family dynamic appear to be student’s best choice for learning.

“I’m Just Going to Close My Eyes For A Bit,” Says 81-Year-Old Professor About to Die in Front of Entire 8 AM Lecture

ITHACA—Shortly after telling students of his MAE 2020 course, “I’m just going to close my eyes for a bit,” Professor Robert Wiggins quickly passed away Friday morning, abruptly ending the 8 AM lecture. 

“It’s such a shame that it happened, and I’m sure dying on camera for hundreds to see is pretty tragic,” claimed Alicia Liu ‘22, “but what’s worse is that I’m on the west coast, so I didn’t even get to watch it live.”

While some students expressed shock and disappointment at Professor Wiggins’ ill-timed, live-streamed death, others seemed to have expected this event for an unsettling amount of time. 

“I’m not the least bit surprised, just look at the guy. Every class he wore the same threadbare khakis, dress shirt, and suspenders, all probably purchased in the 1930s,” said Kevin Rucker ‘22. “He’d eat applesauce for breakfast because it was ‘easy on his dentures’ and always asked my female classmates if they were in the wrong room. It was only a matter of time before that man dropped dead.”

As of press time, the head TA was seen uploading Professor Wiggins’ death clip to the course’s Canvas site for students in other timezones to review ahead of a prelim next Tuesday.

Student Ends Up in the Loser Breakout Room Again

PRINCETON, NJ—Midway through her ECON 1110 lecture, Samantha Keys ‘22 once again found herself in a breakout room filled with the biggest weirdos the class had to offer. 

“I’m not trying to be a bitch, but these people are serious buzzkills,” Keys complained. “Like, one of them spent the entire time sucking on a Slim Jim. That’s not a normal snack food, right?” 

Other occupants of Breakout Room 5 exhibited various antisocial behaviors ranging from forgetting to mute themselves before arguing with their stepdad to making up embarrassing nicknames for everyone, unprompted. “He called me ‘Slammin’ Sam,’” said Keys, “and this other kid ‘Baldin’ Bill,’ which seemed kind of insensitive considering Bill shaved his head in solidarity with his sister battling leukemia.” 

Keys expressed special discomfort with a junior who spent the majority of the 15 minute breakout cutting his toenails; last week, the same kid set his virtual background to Keys’ student ID photo.

Keys plans to reach out to her professor, who she believes is deliberately punishing her. “It can’t be a coincidence that out of all of the cool people I see in the zoom lecture hall, I keep getting paired with the total fucking wackos.”

At press time, Keys was sent to a breakout room with her ex-boyfriend, “the biggest loser of them all.”

Disturbingly Vast Collection of African Fertility Idols on Mantel Sure Taking Away from Professor’s Accounting Lecture

ITHACA—A thrice-weekly glimpse into the home of Assistant Professor Peter Covington has proven to be a major distraction for students of his HADM 2210 Managerial Accounting course, who have taken note of the professor’s extensive collection of African fertility idols displayed across his living room. 

“He has mentioned before that he is single and lives alone, so this is clearly his own doing,” said Claire Baugher ‘22, “I get having hobbies or collectibles or whatever, but I count at least 12 of those things. My gut reaction is that he should go to prison. Like, what is he plotting?”

Covington joined the School of Hotel Administration faculty in 2018. He earned his bachelor’s, master’s, and doctorate degree all in accounting. His faculty website lists his personal interests as “Kayaking, home improvement, and trading stocks.” Absent is any mention of academic study or personal interest which might rationalize the collection of hand-carved wooden and stone fertility dolls, traditionally given to tribal women trying to become pregnant.

“Some of them are blocking the TV, what kind of life does this man live?” asked James Crampton ’22 in the Zoom chat to classmates during Friday’s 50-minute lecture on activity-based costing. 

Apparently failing to exclude Covington from the Zoom message, the Professor reportedly replied “it’s rude to stare,” diminishing hopes of getting to the bottom of this anytime soon.

In Latest Heartfelt Email, Lombardi Begs Students to ‘Keep It in Their Pants’ During Zoom Classes

DAY HALL—In a desperate attempt to maintain a calm and professional learning environment, Vice President for Student and Campus Life Ryan Lombardi pleaded for students to stay fully clothed during virtual classes. 

“We are calling upon your strength as Cornellians to care for each other in the upcoming weeks,” Lombardi wrote in his most recent email. “But hanging brain in your Crime and Punishment seminar is not caring, even if it is technically an ‘expression of free speech’ or even an act of service because ‘this dong is so nice I write its presentation off in my taxes as a charitable donation.’” 

Many students expressed outrage with Lombardi’s oppressive sentiments. 

“He’s basically slut-shaming at this point.” James Compton ‘22 wrote back. “Look, if people can expose the 3 inches of their neck that fit into the camera’s frame, then I can streak back and forth in front of my computer during my psychology lecture.”

Lombardi intended to attach screenshot images demonstrating how to properly cover up but accidentally sent beautifully composed nudes instead because, well, he’s still learning how to use Zoom. 

“Moving to Zoom Will Be Hard, But We’re Prepared For It” Says IFC About New Party Format

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In reaction to the upcoming closure of Cornell’s campus for undergraduates, the Interfraternity Council has released a statement saying that “although there will be disruptions as we make this transition,” they expect to “learn to adjust” as fraternities begin to hold all parties over Zoom.

“Obviously, we wish all attendees could squeeze into a sticky basement together rather than sitting alone in front of computer monitors all over the globe,” the statement said. “But we trust the spirit of our opens and mixers alike will be captured by the online video conferencing software.”

The statement also noted that several services are being considered to add to the experience, such as recorded parties for those in different timezones and Canvas discussion threads so partygoers can hold individual conversations.

“Fully moving parties to Zoom won’t be easy, but know that no matter what, we won’t compromise on the world-class social experience we all came to Cornell for,” the statement concluded.

Immediately after the statement was sent out, the Cornell administration banned fraternities from holding parties over Zoom.