LIBE SLOPE—As of 3 a.m. Eastern Standard Time on May 5, 2025, construction workers on West and Central Campus have declared a unilateral “Special Construction Operation” on Libe Slope. Foreman Vladimir Smith gave an address to the construction workers at McGraw Clocktower, announcing his intentions to move infrastructure across the border of Libe Slope, in…
OLIN LIBRARY—Students rejoiced as the long-awaited Olin Library renovation was finally completed this past week, reopening a popular study area on the main floor. For months, library goers have silently endured the overcrowded conditions. It became a common sight to see flocks of Cornellians circling the room, looking for an open chair. But now, thanks…
WEST CAMPUS—The McGraw Hall renovations this semester have forcibly relocated much of the History Department. One faculty member, Professor Williams, has responded to the relocation by taking up temporary residence at a nearby fraternity house on West Campus. Several months since the move, Williams seems to have assimilated into the fraternity’s culture: participating in traditions,…
BUILDER BASE—In what would appear to be the second clan-related controversy of his tenure, Interim President Michael Kotlikoff announced Thursday that the Cornell administration would NOT be gemming McGraw Tower’s level 10 upgrade. “I understand students’ frustration,” said Kotlikoff. “McGraw Tower is an iconic landmark, and these upgrade times are disheartening. However, I would remind…
MCGRAW TOWER—Despite hoping for a fresh-faced, clean-toothed summer, McGraw Tower ‘1891 recently discovered it must spend Slope Day with its headgear still intact. This news came as a shock to the Cornell community, who now had no choice but to see the clocktower as a massive geek. According to Orthodontist John Stern, Tower possesses “teeth…
Alas! Martha Pollack hath revealed the purpose behind the ever-growing clocktower scaffolding. The construction shall never end so long as the sun still shines and the Cayuga lake runs blue of water and not red of blood. In an official statement on Monday, Pollack restated her commitment to the end of days cause. “The scaffolding…
