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March 19, 2026
  • Op-Ed: Oops! Not All That Depression was Seasonal
  • Lab Partner Swears “It Feels Better Without Gloves”
  • Op-Ed: My Candle Ritual Would Have Made My Situationship Like Me Back If the Fire Inspection Guys Hadn’t Confiscated It
  • Student at Palantir Event Offended By Implication They Support Palantir
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April 18, 2019

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Cornell to Shut Down For Good After Finally Teaching Every Person Every Study

Nooz Staff7 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL—Saying that the university’s mission has been accomplished and there is no reason to continue, the Board of Trustees has unanimously voted to shut down operations next month after finally teaching every person every study. “Now that we’ve almost wrapped up graduating every single person in all possible subjects, there is nothing left for…

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