Halloween Enthusiast Disappointed by Ithaca Wine & Spirits
COLLEGETOWN—A fortnight before All Hallows’ Eve, Jack Murray, local Halloween enthusiast and self-proclaimed “ghostbuster,” felt…
Halloween Enthusiast Disappointed by Ithaca Wine & Spirits
COLLEGETOWN—A fortnight before All Hallows’ Eve, Jack Murray, local Halloween enthusiast and self-proclaimed “ghostbuster,” felt his paranormal-sensing abilities pull him towards Ithaca Wine & Spirits. Murray reported feeling a shiver down his spine, which “couldn’t have possibly been” from the cold air of an Ithaca autumn night. “I thought the combination of alcohol and ghosts…
Throbbing Hangover Headache Met With 7:45 A.M. Clocktower Rendition of “Here Comes The Sun”
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—On Thursday morning, Fredrick Menten ‘29 peacefully slept off the previous night’s drunk hijinks in his slope-facing single, the crisp morning air and chirping of birds circulating through his open window. There was no better ailment in his recovery from intoxication. Much to his chagrin, however, the ever-talented chimesmasters of the clocktower chose…
“You Know, Too Much Sleep Is Actually Bad For You,” Student Tells Person-Shaped Bush
UPPER COLLEGETOWN— As prelim season descends back over Ithaca after an all-too-short break, many students are feeling the aftereffects of completely forgetting about their coursework during their long weekend trip to New York City. Despite convincing themselves that they would work on the bus ride back, many still have unfinished assignments due frighteningly soon. However,…
“Yeah I Was in the Hood,” Says Rich White Biology Student Misleadingly Talking About Fume Hood
BIOTECHNOLOGY BUILDING—As a research university, Cornell provides the unique opportunity for undergraduate students to get involved in laboratories on campus. Not all students, however, are cut out for research. It can be a harsh environment, which is why so many are grateful to have “made it out,” after graduating. Elizabeth Clark ‘29 is a Biological…
Inconsiderate Asshole With No Concept of Personal Space Sits Within 5 Seats of You in Lecture Hall
BAKER LAB—As Steven Yates ‘29 settled in for his 9:05 AM organic chemistry lecture on Wednesday, he felt at peace. He had found a whole row of seats to himself near the back of the auditorium. As Yates pulled out his iPad and placed his laptop on the adjacent seat’s desk, a sense of satisfaction…
Inhabitants of Local Valley Starting to Regret Construction of Hole-in-the-wall Restaurant in Hydroelectric Dam
UNASSUMING VALLEY—Residents have started to express worry about the integrity of a nearby dam after construction crews arrived this past Tuesday with jackhammers, explosives, and a wrecking ball. “We were promised this quirky hole-in-the-wall restaurant that would be unique and totally charming,” said Marianne Petrovski, a local schoolteacher and mother of approximately two. “When the…
Tompkins County DA Relieved to Go Back to Dismissing Other Cases
ITHACA, NY—After being removed from the reopened Chi Phi case, Tompkins County District Attorney Matthew Van Houten expressed his gratitude for the opportunity to redouble his efforts dismissing cases brought by other complainants. “The last thing I would want is for my involvement in this very public case to distract me from the hundreds of…
Kotlikoff Also Wondering What Action Cornell Administration Will Take
GREEN SCREEN—In a Saturday video statement, university president Michael Kotlikoff spoke directly to the Cornell community, informing them that he was just as curious as they were about how his administration intends to address sexual violence. “I want to acknowledge something that can be difficult for an institution to say: we don’t have all the…
Splitsies! Group Assignment Done By Just You
BETHE HOUSE—On the laptop of sophomore Katie Maxwell ’29, a frantic scene emerged. Last Thursday, she had been assigned a random partner to work on a group assignment, but she had not yet heard from him, nary a word nor a sound. First contact with William Hopkins ’29 was reached at 8:34 PM, approximately three…
CUPD Claims K-9 Ate Report
BARTON HALL—Accused of omitting key details from Jane Doe’s testimony in the report they provided to the Tompkins County District Attorney, the Cornell University Police Department told the press Friday morning that parts of the document had simply been consumed by one of the force’s K-9 units. On November 25, 2024, CUPD supplied the DA’s…
