Disintegrating Professor Gives Mitch McConnell-Esque Peace Sign Before Prelim
IVES HALL—Students in ILRID 2610 were seen surrounding the doors of Ives Hall this morning,…
Disintegrating Professor Gives Mitch McConnell-Esque Peace Sign Before Prelim
IVES HALL—Students in ILRID 2610 were seen surrounding the doors of Ives Hall this morning, hoping to solicit a comment from Professor Mitchell Crenshaw ahead of the class’s 7:00 PM prelim. Sources report that the decrepit professor, forgoing a verbal response, extended one shaky, liver-spotted hand and unfolded two creaking fingers to form a peace…
OP-ED: I Right You Wrong Here Why
Enticing hook! Perhaps, a question? I also have super relatable quote or story everyone agree with. Gotcha! Story actually applicable to why I right. Here context. I definitely researched, hyperlink says so. Background implies huge problem. The biggest problem ever, actually. Good thing I right because I want to say things about problem. I…
CTB Barista Announces “Big Fat Chungus Sweetberry Surprise” is Ready at the Bar
COLLEGETOWN BAGELS— Amidst the busyness of classes and clubs, there’s nothing like a pick-me-up from Collegetown Bagels. Their specialty beverages and easily customizable offerings mean there’s a CTB order for every person’s preference. While students like Claudia Miller ‘28 appreciate this specialization, they perhaps wish it didn’t have to be announced to the whole world….
Mirror Tired of Hearing “I Am A Unique, Talented Writer” Every Morning From Daily Sun Journalist
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—Only a few weeks into the school year, the mirror of Rose suite 23 is already tired of hearing the positive affirmations that new suite resident and esteemed Cornell Daily Sun journalist recites every morning. The mirror reports being particularly annoyed by phrases such as, “I am a unique, talented writer,” “we will…
Sprint Football Loses to Faster, More Reliable Verizon Football
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—The Cornell fall athletic season is officially underway, and while the leaves may be changing, the mediocrity of the Sprint football team remains constant. “I feel like we’ve been having trouble finding connection,” said team captain Alex Bell ‘27. “Every time we try to make a call, it just drops.” The team always strives…
Rush Hashanah!: Fraternity Acknowledges High Holidays by Ensuring All Cocaine is Kosher
SIGMA SIGMA THETA—As fraternities begin to scope out potential pledges, one campus fraternity – Sigma Sigma Theta – has devised a cunning strategy to turn the Jewish High Holidays into high recruitment yield. Sigma Sigma Theta, Ithaca’s alleged supplier of snow even in the warmer months, has publicly announced that all “sugar” distributed at their…
Mama’s Cleverest Boy Stumped by Strange Clothes-Washing Machine
HU SHIH HALL—Freshman math major and precious darling boy William Sorenson ‘30 spent a perplexing two hours Wednesday evening deciphering the function of the unfamiliar devices in the laundry room of his North Campus residence hall. Onlookers say Sorenson’s arrival was heralded by an hour-long period during which the building’s elevator was stalled on the…
Cornell Republican Sheds Red Nose and Polka Dot Romper, Slinks into Suit for Rare ClubFest Metamorphosis
ARTS QUAD—For one day only each semester, Andy Thomas ‘28 and the rest of the Cornell Republicans attempt to make a respectable impression. From the hours of 2 to 4:30 p.m. on ClubFest, they reluctantly pause their usual performance of twisting balloons into scary orange shapes and juggling racism, misogyny, and homophobia. Instead, this freak…
English Department Receives $12 Grant
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Excitement rocked the halls of Cornell’s Department of Literatures in English Wednesday after news broke that the program would be receiving an unprecedented $12 grant. The historic windfall, offered as part of a research initiative by the New York State Library, has inspired a wave of optimism regarding the department’s ability to compete…
Level B ‘Underage Tuesdays’ Sees Commercial Success, Legal Ramifications
EDDY STREET—Last week, Collegetown bar Level B announced plans for a new promotion, dubbed ‘Underage Tuesdays,’ which would allow patrons below the legal drinking age to enter the bar and be served alcohol. Experts believe that the move could result in enormous profits for the bar. “Level B may have found a new niche in…
