Harry Potter Ass Motherfucker Studying Under Olin Stairs
OLIN LIBRARY—Cornell students have the luxury of enjoying a wide range of study spaces, from…
Harry Potter Ass Motherfucker Studying Under Olin Stairs
OLIN LIBRARY—Cornell students have the luxury of enjoying a wide range of study spaces, from campus cafes to comfy lounges. Despite this breadth of options, on Tuesday, one Harry Potter ass motherfucker opted to study under the Olin Library stairs. While his peers scrolled on their iPads in plush couches just feet away from this…
Aww! Daily Sun Wants to Be Just Like Favorite Satire Publication When They Grow Up
DAILY SUN HEADQUARTERS—The question was posed to a cohort of Daily Sun Editors on their last day of Kindergarten last week: What do you want to be when you grow up? The bright-eyed students, fresh out of their lessons about prepositions, contemplated this question. The bunch reportedly said that they “wanted to be like those…
Kotlikoff Sowwy For Washing Away Political Chalk Messages, Just Wanted To Play Hopscotch
DAY HALL—Ahead of Cornell Days, when incoming students tour campus and overcrowd Morrison Dining, President Michael Kotlikoff was spotted power washing political messages written in chalk. The messages, placed there by Students for a Democratic Cornell to protest Cornell’s connections to ICE and Trump, were unceremoniously replaced with hopscotch courts hand-drawn by Kotlikoff with Crayola…
Cornell Parking Enforcement Welcomes Admitted Cars to Tow
HOY ROAD PARKING GARAGE– On March 26, Cornell Parking Enforcement admitted a historic class of 5,776 prospective cars in the Regular Decision application cycle. “Over the next four years, these vehicles will be exposed to an unparalleled lack of parking opportunities” said Nelson Herrera, senior vice provost for ticketing management and towing education. “Most importantly,…
Admitted Students Blockade Strait of Morrison Stir Fry
MORRISON DINING—In a dramatic escalation of Cornell Days tensions, Morrison’s vital Stir Fry Corridor has been shut down by a horde of admitted students and accompanying family members. The Class of 2030 Blockade represents the newest development in a region with a troubled history. “Passage through the strait was always precarious,” noted Morrison relations expert…
Know Before You Go: The Chainsmokers’ Thoughts on the War in Iran
We all remember last year’s Slope Day fiasco, when Kehlani’s invitation to be the event’s headliner was revoked days after being announced. Last week, EDM duo The Chainsmokers were revealed as the Slope Day artist, whose hits like “Something Just Like This” and “Don’t Let Me Down” shot them to the top of the music…
“I Don’t Think They’re Talking About the Language Anymore”: Concerns Grow about Friend Pursuing Italian Minor
MORRISON DINING—For months, Nathan Reed ’26 has spoken passionately about pursuing an Italian minor. His peers recall him using phrases like, “I’m learning so much,” and “I’ve really been enjoying my minor.” Two of his friends, Joy Nguyen ’26 and Eric Walters ’26, assumed he was just really into the language, but they soon realized…
Programming Board Announces Roster of AI Musicians for First Annual Slop Day
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In an Instagram post Thursday morning, the Slope Day Programming Board revealed that Cornell’s iconic spring music concert will henceforth be headlined entirely by AI-generated artists. The group also promised to update the name of the beloved event accordingly. The news was met with considerable disappointment from the Cornell community, especially from those…
