Okenshields Fork Crust Applauded for Contributions to Biodiversity Research
OKENSHIELDS—In a discovery that shocked the Cornell scientific community, researcher Monica Pondey found the Ecology…
Okenshields Fork Crust Applauded for Contributions to Biodiversity Research
OKENSHIELDS—In a discovery that shocked the Cornell scientific community, researcher Monica Pondey found the Ecology department’s next major breakthrough as it was mere seconds away from being plunged into her Friday lunch. “Based on the color or texture I was about to eat either mac and cheese, stir fry, or soup,” recalled Pondey. “Nevertheless, inspiration…
Professor Adds Epstein Files Acknowledgement to Email Signature
ITHACA, NY—On Monday morning, Samuel Whitmore ’27, a student in Professor Daniel Sarver’s Ethics in Business course, noticed something different when he received an email from his professor. Near the close of the message, students were met with an additional paragraph between Sarver’s office location and the university’s standard land acknowledgement. “I live and work…
Report: No Way Ice Cream Hard Enough to Justify How Long Guy Ahead of You Has Been Scooping
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—After taking several minutes to reach the front of the ice cream line at a busy dinner Sunday night, Sarah Weinberger ‘28 was forced to wait further as the patron in front of her took what experts are calling an “unjustifiably long” time to get his dessert. “It was terrible. He just kept…
Cornell Engineering Debuts ‘This Is What A David Duffield Looks Like’ Shirt
DUFFIELD HALL—Following a historic donation from David A. Duffield ’62, MBA ’64, the College of Engineering has edited the text of its iconic “This Is What A Cornell Engineer Looks Like” to instead read “This Is What A David Duffield Looks Like.” The change, the College of Engineering says, will recognize Duffield for his enormous…
Puffer Jacket in Heels Excited to Hit the Town
COLLEGETOWN—As Ithaca faces one of its coldest winters in recent history with temperatures reaching terrible numbers such as 2, or in some cases 1, many are opting to spend their nights indoors. Even the most winter-hardened students who hail from the chilly north have surrendered to the frigid weather, and the once bustling and vibrant…
Everyone at Ithaca REI Dressed Like Employee
TITUS FLATS, ITHACA—One Cornell first-year’s visit to the Ithaca REI Co-op was confounded by her fellow shoppers’ on-brand clothing choices. Delaney Huelster ‘29 anticipated a short trip to the store to purchase new winter boots. Unbeknownst to her, the REI, which is located at South Meadow Square Shopping Center and offers a wide variety of…
Chuck Schumer Vows to Stand Up to Republicans Until It Time to Take Nap
WASHINGTON, DC—Following the fatal shootings of two Minneapolis residents by federal immigration agents this month, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has responded forcefully to public demands for action. “The administration’s behavior in Minneapolis is unacceptable,” he said at a press conference. “That is why Senate Democrats will be voting against DHS funding this week—unless,…
Minnesota Democrats Vow to Send Trump Sternly-Worded Edible Arrangement Next Time ICE Murders One of Their Constituents
SAINT PAUL, MN—Amid widespread backlash against an ICE agent’s killing of Alex Pretti in Minneapolis last week, top Minnesota Democratic officials addressed calls for action at a press conference Wednesday morning. “In times of crisis, leaders need to be strong and clear,” said Governor Tim Walz. “So, I will talk directly to President Trump: my…
College of Human Ecology to Remain Unnamed Despite Generous Donation from Adam Hitler ’73
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—Last week, Cornell’s College of Human Ecology (CHE) announced it had received a “transformational” donation for the school’s “Vision 2030” initiative. The donor, Adam Hitler ‘73, is a successful entrepreneur who graduated from the CHE. Despite his significant contribution, the college announced its name would not be changed to reflect the philanthropist’s…
Op-Ed: I Watched the Entire Cornell–Harvard Hockey Game and They Didn’t Have Sex, Like, Not Even Once
Yeah, so, I guess I’m just a little bit confused. From my research, I was led to believe that there would be more to this whole “hockey” thing, but it was no more than just men hitting a puck around with sticks. You see, I watched the entire Cornell versus Harvard hockey game, and none…
