Engineering School Phoenix Rises From the Asbestos
Nooz in Pics!
Club Members Force Feed Students 20 Cold Chicken Sandwiches to Meet Fundraiser Quota
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—As club finances have begun to run out, organizations around campus have been getting desperate in their attempts to gather funding. Certain organizations have been taking especially unique approaches. Particularly aggressive clubs have resorted to tackling passersby and shoving multitudes of stale, cold, chicken sandwiches down their throats. “One moment I was on…
Idiot Professor Points to Blank Screen After iPad Shuts Off
ROCKEFELLER HALL—Educators are tasked with a plethora of growing challenges that have emerged with technological development: trying to mitigate the use of artificial intelligence, navigating online assignments and grading, and attempting to implement the latest technology into their lectures. Associate Professor Sasha James completely reformatted her course after several negative reviews online criticizing what she…
There’s the Strait of Hormuz! Strategic War Started to Teach Americans Geography
ARLINGTON, VA—Due to continued downsizing of the federal government, the Department of War has begun taking over many duties of the Department of Education. In their latest collaborative effort, the recent Iran endeavour has served to increase Americans’ waterway knowledge, along with whatever the Department of War wanted to accomplish. Iran was chosen in accordance…
Op-Ed: Oops! Not All That Depression was Seasonal
Finally! After an agonizingly long winter, Spring has (sort of) sprung! I’m so excited to enjoy the warm weather and sunshine, picnic on the Arts Quad, and—most importantly—be free of that pesky Seasonal Affective Disorder that’s made the last six months of my life a living hell! Boy, oh, boy, I can’t wait to feel…
Lab Partner Swears “It Feels Better Without Gloves”
COMSTOCK HALL—Last week, Cornell received an OSHA complaint for improper use of personal protective equipment, following many students refusing to wear gloves in an Investigative Biology Laboratory. Some cite having a severe latex/nitrile allergy, others claim the glove sizes are woefully inadequate, and many blame it on an extreme downturn in pleasure. One student, Richard…
Op-Ed: My Candle Ritual Would Have Made My Situationship Like Me Back If the Fire Inspection Guys Hadn’t Confiscated It
My friends call me delusional, but I know the truth: the girl in my 10:10 bio class likes me back. All she needs is that little push, y’know? So I got a candle from Target, some yarn from Michael’s, and some spices from the dumpster behind Qawah. I laid it all on my desk, pentagram…
Student at Palantir Event Offended By Implication They Support Palantir
DUFFIELD HALL—Many saintlike engineering students have had their virtuous reputations marred by unfounded accusations of immorality following a recruitment event hosted by Palantir at Cornell. These engineers have done nothing more than demonstrate their willingness to ignore ethics for a $200k starting salary. One attendee, Ceille Autê ‘27, who has never faced any kind of…
