University Report Finds Students Need to Be Better Supported, but Ugh, It So Much Work Though
DAY HALL—A new University report released by the Office of Student Life yesterday found that…
University Report Finds Students Need to Be Better Supported, but Ugh, It So Much Work Though
DAY HALL—A new University report released by the Office of Student Life yesterday found that students need to be better supported through struggles with mental health, post-grad career stress, and heavy workloads, but that, ugh, it sounds like so much work, though! The report confirmed previous allegations that the University needs to take better care…
E&S Major Using ChatGPT Calls It Even
AGRICULTURE QUADRANGLE—Generative Artificial Intelligence (Gen AI) has taken over Silicon Valley, social media, and college campuses. Still, its heavy usage remains widely criticized. Though environmentalists typically have a lot to say about the environmental impacts of Gen AI, one E&S Major who uses ChatGPT is just gonna call it even. Lauren Conner ‘27 is an…
Harry Potter Ass Motherfucker Studying Under Olin Stairs
OLIN LIBRARY—Cornell students have the luxury of enjoying a wide range of study spaces, from campus cafes to comfy lounges. Despite this breadth of options, on Tuesday, one Harry Potter ass motherfucker opted to study under the Olin Library stairs. While his peers scrolled on their iPads in plush couches just feet away from this…
Aww! Daily Sun Wants to Be Just Like Favorite Satire Publication When They Grow Up
DAILY SUN HEADQUARTERS—The question was posed to a cohort of Daily Sun Editors on their last day of Kindergarten last week: What do you want to be when you grow up? The bright-eyed students, fresh out of their lessons about prepositions, contemplated this question. The bunch reportedly said that they “wanted to be like those…
Kotlikoff Sowwy For Washing Away Political Chalk Messages, Just Wanted To Play Hopscotch
DAY HALL—Ahead of Cornell Days, when incoming students tour campus and overcrowd Morrison Dining, President Michael Kotlikoff was spotted power washing political messages written in chalk. The messages, placed there by Students for a Democratic Cornell to protest Cornell’s connections to ICE and Trump, were unceremoniously replaced with hopscotch courts hand-drawn by Kotlikoff with Crayola…
Cornell Parking Enforcement Welcomes Admitted Cars to Tow
HOY ROAD PARKING GARAGE– On March 26, Cornell Parking Enforcement admitted a historic class of 5,776 prospective cars in the Regular Decision application cycle. “Over the next four years, these vehicles will be exposed to an unparalleled lack of parking opportunities” said Nelson Herrera, senior vice provost for ticketing management and towing education. “Most importantly,…
Admitted Students Blockade Strait of Morrison Stir Fry
MORRISON DINING—In a dramatic escalation of Cornell Days tensions, Morrison’s vital Stir Fry Corridor has been shut down by a horde of admitted students and accompanying family members. The Class of 2030 Blockade represents the newest development in a region with a troubled history. “Passage through the strait was always precarious,” noted Morrison relations expert…
Know Before You Go: The Chainsmokers’ Thoughts on the War in Iran
We all remember last year’s Slope Day fiasco, when Kehlani’s invitation to be the event’s headliner was revoked days after being announced. Last week, EDM duo The Chainsmokers were revealed as the Slope Day artist, whose hits like “Something Just Like This” and “Don’t Let Me Down” shot them to the top of the music…
