Colin Joust to Headline Cornell Renaissance Faire
ARTES QUADRANGLE—Th’Cornell Renaissance Faire is underway, and its stewards hath invited to the festival a…
Colin Joust to Headline Cornell Renaissance Faire
ARTES QUADRANGLE—Th’Cornell Renaissance Faire is underway, and its stewards hath invited to the festival a jester moste famous. Mister Colin Joust of Manhattan did agree to ‘tend the faire, where he’ll entertain crowds of revellers with’s fantastical and humorous tales. Mr Joust, perhaps best knowne for his exceedingly fair wife, is also a moste respected…
Report: ‘Interim’ Boyfriend Still Unlikely to Go Official
DAY HALL—Just after 3:00 PM this afternoon, the Board of Trustees announced their vote to officially appoint Michael Kotlikoff president of Cornell University, effective immediately. Unfortunately, sources indicate the guy you’ve been seeing is less ready than ever for the same kind of commitment. Although Kotlikoff’s tenure as Interim President was host to a number…
“thanks. Sent from my iPhone” Professor Responds to Award-Winning Tear-Jerking Plea For Extension
OLIN STACKS—In the privacy of a measly peasant corner cubby on Olin’s 7th floor, the tears and sniffles of Owen Simons ‘26 echo down the rows of desks. Approaching his 19th hour in the stacks, the unimaginable dawned on Owen and he broke down with the certainty that he had no choice but to become…
Very Hungry Friend Sets Up Hammock Vertically, Does Not Emerge
LIBE SLOPE—Excited to roleplay as the happy college students from their favorite promotional materials and stock photos, Cornellians took to the Arts Quad and Libe Slope en masse this week to enjoy the sunny weather. Yet one student with an unusually enormous appetite seems to prefer the comfort of an enclosed space, even in the…
“Wow, Everything’s Computer”: Trump Learns Size of Cornell Info Sci Program
WASHINGTON, DC—President Donald Trump’s Department of Education and Elon Musk’s so-called “Department of Government Efficiency” (DOGE) have reportedly made inquiries into Cornell University’s activities and funding as part of a broader attack on academia. During an Oval Office press conference on higher education, Trump thumbed through a briefing on Cornell and remarked, “Wow, everything’s computer.”…
Local Deviant Rolls in Mud Alone, Unprovoked
LINDEN AVE—Every weekend closest to St. Paddy’s Day, the student body takes to the streets to drink, party, drink, and drink some more. The resulting mix of vomit, alcohol, and the odd spray of urine creates a muddy sludge that would repulse the average sober person. However, this same sludge has proven irresistible to the…
Robert Frost Takes No Winter Maintenance Road, Eats Shit
URIS GARDEN– Robert Frost reports that the woods are not, in fact, as “lovely, dark, and deep” as he once believed after eating absolute shit on the treacherous pathway from Uris Hall just this past week. When the quaint classrooms of Uris Hall failed him in his search for poetic inspiration, Frost turned to the…
University Establishes Tusk Force to Buy a Bunch of Really Cool Elephants
DAY HALL—Interim President Michael Kotlikoff has announced the formation of a new tusk force to study the possibility of buying some super awesome elephants. According to a campus-wide email sent earlier today, the Presidential Tusk Force to Explore the Purchase of a Bunch of Really Cool Elephants was created to “examine critical questions concerning how…
Esteemed NYT Crossword Clue Rita Ora to Headline Slope Day
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The Slope Day Programming Board has announced esteemed New York Times crossword clue Rita Ora will headline Slope Day. The vowel-heavy, classic three letter last name singer-songwriter will be welcomed to campus by puzzle aficionados and mini crossword lovers alike. With hits such as “Rita of pop music” or “British feature on Iggy…
