Kotlikoff Frustrated by Inability to Send Nationwide Email
DAY HALL—Amidst widespread scrutiny over his administration’s handling of the 2024 Chi Phi rape case,…
Kotlikoff Frustrated by Inability to Send Nationwide Email
DAY HALL—Amidst widespread scrutiny over his administration’s handling of the 2024 Chi Phi rape case, Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff has expressed frustration about the limited reach of his preferred platform for damage control. Sources within the administration—which has come under fire for assigning essays as a punishment for the accused rapists—say Kotlikoff was infuriated to…
“Did The Sun Set?” Question Answered By A Million Instagram Stories Of Sky
ITHACA—On Friday evening, the sun set, much as it has every evening for the last four billion years. As is common on days with slight cloud cover, every social media feed was temporarily plagued with impressionist photos of pink and purple and orange. For Markus Grey ’28, the photos of the sunset were a welcome…
Gross, Phlegmy Couple Attends Lecture in Sickness and in Health
BAKER LABORATORY — As the semester begins to pick up, both love and germ particles are in the air, causing many campus couples to catch more than just the love bug. Students Tyler Robinson ‘29 and Lacy James ‘29 met in their 9 AM lecture and immediately clicked. They had an organic sort of chemistry…
Career Fair Recruiter Commends Engineering Student’s Innovative Self-Shredding Resume
BARTON HALL — At the annual fall career fair, engineer Erin Zhang ‘28 was seen making a beeline for her favorite company’s booth, eager to debut her newest creation. “In the age of optimization and automation I believe this is the next step in the recruitment world,” Zhang said in a pitch to recruiters. “Allow…
Disintegrating Professor Gives Mitch McConnell-Esque Peace Sign Before Prelim
IVES HALL—Students in ILRID 2610 were seen surrounding the doors of Ives Hall this morning, hoping to solicit a comment from Professor Mitchell Crenshaw ahead of the class’s 7:00 PM prelim. Sources report that the decrepit professor, forgoing a verbal response, extended one shaky, liver-spotted hand and unfolded two creaking fingers to form a peace…
OP-ED: I Right You Wrong Here Why
Enticing hook! Perhaps, a question? I also have super relatable quote or story everyone agree with. Gotcha! Story actually applicable to why I right. Here context. I definitely researched, hyperlink says so. Background implies huge problem. The biggest problem ever, actually. Good thing I right because I want to say things about problem. I…
CTB Barista Announces “Big Fat Chungus Sweetberry Surprise” is Ready at the Bar
COLLEGETOWN BAGELS— Amidst the busyness of classes and clubs, there’s nothing like a pick-me-up from Collegetown Bagels. Their specialty beverages and easily customizable offerings mean there’s a CTB order for every person’s preference. While students like Claudia Miller ‘28 appreciate this specialization, they perhaps wish it didn’t have to be announced to the whole world….
Mirror Tired of Hearing “I Am A Unique, Talented Writer” Every Morning From Daily Sun Journalist
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—Only a few weeks into the school year, the mirror of Rose suite 23 is already tired of hearing the positive affirmations that new suite resident and esteemed Cornell Daily Sun journalist recites every morning. The mirror reports being particularly annoyed by phrases such as, “I am a unique, talented writer,” “we will…
Sprint Football Loses to Faster, More Reliable Verizon Football
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—The Cornell fall athletic season is officially underway, and while the leaves may be changing, the mediocrity of the Sprint football team remains constant. “I feel like we’ve been having trouble finding connection,” said team captain Alex Bell ‘27. “Every time we try to make a call, it just drops.” The team always strives…
Rush Hashanah!: Fraternity Acknowledges High Holidays by Ensuring All Cocaine is Kosher
SIGMA SIGMA THETA—As fraternities begin to scope out potential pledges, one campus fraternity – Sigma Sigma Theta – has devised a cunning strategy to turn the Jewish High Holidays into high recruitment yield. Sigma Sigma Theta, Ithaca’s alleged supplier of snow even in the warmer months, has publicly announced that all “sugar” distributed at their…
