Kotlikoff Carefully Maneuvers Around Key Detail at Day Hall Incident
DAY HALL—On Friday, President Kotlikoff employed his automatic coverup system to carefully maneuver himself out…
Kotlikoff Carefully Maneuvers Around Key Detail at Day Hall Incident
DAY HALL—On Friday, President Kotlikoff employed his automatic coverup system to carefully maneuver himself out of what many considered a prime opportunity to take accountability. Kotlikoff’s recent campus-wide email, a six-paragraph narrative more desperate than a drunk text to an ex, demonstrated remarkable capabilities to describe certain aspects in extreme detail. The email also ensured…
“I Overcame a Lot of Diversity to be Here,” Says White Dude in Discussion Section
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL–Last Tuesday, students in Professor Stephen Winslow’s Intro to Ethics and Philosophy class were debating the merits of DuBois’ double-consciousness theory during an 11:00 AM discussion section when a comment from one student raised some eyebrows. The student, Sheldon Morestead ‘28, was commenting on the black struggle in America when he uttered a…
Student Accused of Using AI Forced to Defend Worst Discussion Post Ever
GOLDWIN SMITH– Senior Grant Lampert ‘26 is living every student’s worst nightmare. After spending time and energy writing a discussion board post without AI, he has been accused of violating Cornell’s generative AI policy. English Professor Robin Castillo claimed she was immediately suspicious of Lampert’s post on Albert Camus’s The Myth of Sisyphus due to…
Dorm Flyers Back on Campus from Radical Extremist Group Big Red Shipping and Storage
MARY DONLON HALL—The Cornell administration has worked tirelessly to demonstrate its commitment to the safety of its student body, protecting them from people holding signs, concerts, and chalk. Although many of the students and organizations responsible for perpetuating these despicable acts have been suspended, their radical messaging continues to spread in new and horrifying ways. …
Last Remaining Senior Days Event Just Bottle of Liquor in Paper Bag
HO PLAZA—The ticketing portal for Senior Days opened last Friday, sending seniors scrambling for spots to experience the annual tradition that showcases uniquely Cornellian offerings. Events such as “Luxury Wine Touring Across the Adirondacks,” “Artisanal Beer Flights of the Finger Lakes Region,” and “Mimosas with Michael Kotlikoff” filled their 25 spots almost immediately, leaving slower…
New Food Truck Fills Midnight Raw Fish Niche in Collegetown Restaurant Scene
COLLEGE AVE—With dozens of restaurants in Cornell’s vibrant college town, students are usually able to find the requisite meal to satisfy their cravings. Despite this, one meal was always conspicuously missing from this food ecosystem, until now. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been up past 11 pm and thought to myself, I…
Dim-Witted Bird Chooses Uris Hall as Nesting Site Instead of Beautiful, Flowering Tree
URIS HALL—With nesting season in full swing, many birds have resolved to make Cornell their home for the next few months. The campus’s abundance of trees, open space, and unsuspecting Hotelies to shit on make it “the perfect environment to lay some twigs, lay some pipe, and lay some eggs,” said Kevin Wormenjoyer, a local…
University Report Finds Students Need to Be Better Supported, but Ugh, It So Much Work Though
DAY HALL—A new University report released by the Office of Student Life yesterday found that students need to be better supported through struggles with mental health, post-grad career stress, and heavy workloads, but that, ugh, it sounds like so much work, though! The report confirmed previous allegations that the University needs to take better care…
E&S Major Using ChatGPT Calls It Even
AGRICULTURE QUADRANGLE—Generative Artificial Intelligence (Gen AI) has taken over Silicon Valley, social media, and college campuses. Still, its heavy usage remains widely criticized. Though environmentalists typically have a lot to say about the environmental impacts of Gen AI, one E&S Major who uses ChatGPT is just gonna call it even. Lauren Conner ‘27 is an…
