Swing Voter Would Vote Blue But Ughhh Trump Is Soooo Relatable When He Starts Going On Tangents About Men’s Bodies
ITHACA—As Election Day unwinds, swing voters and independents across the country make the consequential choice…
Swing Voter Would Vote Blue But Ughhh Trump Is Soooo Relatable When He Starts Going On Tangents About Men’s Bodies
ITHACA—As Election Day unwinds, swing voters and independents across the country make the consequential choice of which party to vote for. But some swing voters are still torn between his options. “I prefer the policies of Democrats, but I just agree with Trump on so much more,” said an undecided Don Lang ’27. “Democrats simply…
Halloween Hookup Awkwardly Puts Back on Hot Dog Suit Morning After
GANĘDAGǪ HALL— Hannah Gordon ‘29 awoke the morning after hooking up with a mutual she met at her friend’s party. As she rubbed her eyes and adjusted her vision to the cold light of day, she was met with the sight of her spooky season suitor awkwardly squeezing himself back into the hot dog garb…
Report: Satan Finally Stands Up for Himself in Philosophy Seminar
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—At 10:17 AM in a philosophy discussion, all hell broke loose after Associate Professor Dantes Noferno suggested there was no afterlife, a statement which one student violently rejected. Satan ‘666 BCE was seen thwacking the half-raised hands of his peers with a crimson pitchfork and a pointed tail waving angrily behind him as…
NSF…W? OnlyFans to Start Research Fund in Lieu of Federal Grants
WASHINGTON, DC— The Trump Administration has cut over $1.4 billion in National Science Foundation (NSF) grants, leaving many researchers with limited options to fund their work. OnlyFans, the often-X-rated video subscription service, has recently formed a 501(c)(3) foundation to award research funding to universities, emerging as an unconventional academic hero. “Middle-aged men won’t allocate money…
Op-Ed: I Don’t Like You Very Much
I’ve been pondering this for some time now, and frankly I just have to get it off my chest. I don’t like you. You piss me off. A lot. Like last week, when you were getting in the line at Libe Cafe behind me, and you almost flat tired me. I don’t care that you…
Ryan Lombardi Pretty Confident He Can Pull A January 6 Right About Now
ROCKEFELLER HALL—The morning of the Cornell Faculty Senate Vote of No Confidence, most of Cornell’s administration was bracing for what could be another indictment on their failure to handle the Jane Doe case. But Vice President Ryan Lombardi was hoping that the fallout would be greater, perhaps great enough that it would make him president….
Kotlikoff To Replace Flock Cameras With SUV Backup Camera
ITHACA, NY—Following the expiration of a contract between Cornell and Flock Safety earlier this month, seven privately-operated surveillance cameras are expected to be disconnected and removed from campus. To prevent high-traffic areas from being left unmonitored, University administrators have proposed a novel and cost-effective alternative. “So basically, I have an SUV,” explained Cornell President Michael…
Press Secretary’s White House Speedrun Beats Time for Escaping Ives Speedrun
IVES HALL—At around 8:50AM on October 12th, Caitie Zacherson ‘29 entered Ives Hall, hoping to set a new record for the fastest time to successfully exit the building. Coincidentally, this was also around the same time that former Press Secretary Katie Zacharia began her attempt to break the record for the shortest amount of time…
Empty Beer Can Crushed, Devastated
CATHERINE STREET—Amid delightful outdoor celebrations, Ian P. Aleson sat comfortably among his fellow aluminum peers in their warm soggy box. Some of the dozen had already been selected by grubby hands, popped open at the surface, and guzzled by stubbly mouths smelling of cigarettes. Aleson patiently awaited his turn, blissfully unaware of the fate that…
