Dank Puddle Reaches Critical Mass Seconds Before TCAT Plows Through
COLLEGETOWN—Totally oblivious to the growing pool of murky rainwater by the sidewalk, dozens gathered at…
Dank Puddle Reaches Critical Mass Seconds Before TCAT Plows Through
COLLEGETOWN—Totally oblivious to the growing pool of murky rainwater by the sidewalk, dozens gathered at a bus stop to avoid walking home. Just as the puddle’s coverage approached the optimal splash radius, a TCAT drove straight through it at full speed, dousing everyone with soaking leaf mulch anyway. “I swear I was hydroplaning,” explained route…
Kotlikoff Returns With Slightly More Tank-Like Car
FEENEY WAY– For Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff, a new school year means a fresh start, this time with a new, tank-like flavor. After coming under fire for running over a student protester’s foot last spring, Kotlikoff has renounced his toe-hungry whip and found a more soothing replacement. Nothing, it seems, screams new beginnings like a…
Cornell Christian Club Turns Rain into Wine Tour
BURDETT, NY—Saturday’s fast-moving weather system threatened to disrupt the Cornell Christian Club’s end-of-semester wine tour. Fortunately, on the third day of reading period, a miracle occurred in the Catharine Valley. “It was supposed to rain all day, but we already put down our deposit, so we kinda had to go,” recounted Cornell Christian Club President…
Kotlikoff Carefully Maneuvers Around Key Detail at Day Hall Incident
DAY HALL—On Friday, President Kotlikoff employed his automatic coverup system to carefully maneuver himself out of what many considered a prime opportunity to take accountability. Kotlikoff’s recent campus-wide email, a six-paragraph narrative more desperate than a drunk text to an ex, demonstrated remarkable capabilities to describe certain aspects in extreme detail. The email also ensured…
“I Overcame a Lot of Diversity to be Here,” Says White Dude in Discussion Section
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL–Last Tuesday, students in Professor Stephen Winslow’s Intro to Ethics and Philosophy class were debating the merits of DuBois’ double-consciousness theory during an 11:00 AM discussion section when a comment from one student raised some eyebrows. The student, Sheldon Morestead ‘28, was commenting on the black struggle in America when he uttered a…
Student Accused of Using AI Forced to Defend Worst Discussion Post Ever
GOLDWIN SMITH– Senior Grant Lampert ‘26 is living every student’s worst nightmare. After spending time and energy writing a discussion board post without AI, he has been accused of violating Cornell’s generative AI policy. English Professor Robin Castillo claimed she was immediately suspicious of Lampert’s post on Albert Camus’s The Myth of Sisyphus due to…
Dorm Flyers Back on Campus from Radical Extremist Group Big Red Shipping and Storage
MARY DONLON HALL—The Cornell administration has worked tirelessly to demonstrate its commitment to the safety of its student body, protecting them from people holding signs, concerts, and chalk. Although many of the students and organizations responsible for perpetuating these despicable acts have been suspended, their radical messaging continues to spread in new and horrifying ways. …
Last Remaining Senior Days Event Just Bottle of Liquor in Paper Bag
HO PLAZA—The ticketing portal for Senior Days opened last Friday, sending seniors scrambling for spots to experience the annual tradition that showcases uniquely Cornellian offerings. Events such as “Luxury Wine Touring Across the Adirondacks,” “Artisanal Beer Flights of the Finger Lakes Region,” and “Mimosas with Michael Kotlikoff” filled their 25 spots almost immediately, leaving slower…
New Food Truck Fills Midnight Raw Fish Niche in Collegetown Restaurant Scene
COLLEGE AVE—With dozens of restaurants in Cornell’s vibrant college town, students are usually able to find the requisite meal to satisfy their cravings. Despite this, one meal was always conspicuously missing from this food ecosystem, until now. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been up past 11 pm and thought to myself, I…
