Vote of No Continence? Kotlikoff Shits Pants
During a session last Wednesday, Cornell’s Faculty Senate debated over holding a vote of no…
Vote of No Continence? Kotlikoff Shits Pants
During a session last Wednesday, Cornell’s Faculty Senate debated over holding a vote of no confidence in the university’s administration. Throughout the lengthy discussion, however, President Michael Kotlikoff found it extremely difficult to focus on the arguments of the senate members; he had something much more pressing, even explosive, on his mind. Perhaps it was…
Uris Hall Excited to Announce New 0 Ply Toilet Paper
URIS HALL—When Tommi Phisinger ‘28 sought digestive relief in the second floor Uris Hall bathroom between lectures, she came to a disturbing realization. “I went to grab the toilet paper after I completed my business. You know, as one does,” Phisinger confided. “I was disgusted to realize that the toilet paper was so thin, I…
“I’ll See You In Court”: Student Mistakes CKB Resident’s Invitation As Legal Threat
COURT-KAY-BAUER HALL—When Joanna Stevens ‘30 was assigned to a group project for her public policy class, she hit it off with another member in her group, Clare Brighton ‘30. After chatting each other up during a library work session, Brighton suggested that Stevens join her to finish working on the project later that week. Stevens…
Morrison Stir-Fry Station Switches to Cup & Ball Scam for Food Pickup
MORRISON DINING– Earlier this week, Morrison Dining responded to student feedback about their stress-inducing and inaccurate system for stir-fry pickup. “We have been hearing complaints about the ‘watch your food as it moves around for seven minutes and pick a plate that looks like your order’ system we currently have,” said Director of Culinary Innovation…
Cornell President Warns Replacing President Would Harm Cornell, Cornell President
ITHACA, NY—In a series of recent New York Times interviews, Board of Trustees Meetings, and Faculty Senate Meetings, President Kotlikoff repeatedly warned that replacing a President would be detrimental to Cornell’s reputation, a conclusion that has raised questions on whether the President has a stake in the matter. When asked whether the university’s reputation might…
Halloween Enthusiast Disappointed by Ithaca Wine & Spirits
COLLEGETOWN—A fortnight before All Hallows’ Eve, Jack Murray, local Halloween enthusiast and self-proclaimed “ghostbuster,” felt his paranormal-sensing abilities pull him towards Ithaca Wine & Spirits. Murray reported feeling a shiver down his spine, which “couldn’t have possibly been” from the cold air of an Ithaca autumn night. “I thought the combination of alcohol and ghosts…
Throbbing Hangover Headache Met With 7:45 A.M. Clocktower Rendition of “Here Comes The Sun”
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—On Thursday morning, Fredrick Menten ‘29 peacefully slept off the previous night’s drunk hijinks in his slope-facing single, the crisp morning air and chirping of birds circulating through his open window. There was no better ailment in his recovery from intoxication. Much to his chagrin, however, the ever-talented chimesmasters of the clocktower chose…
“You Know, Too Much Sleep Is Actually Bad For You,” Student Tells Person-Shaped Bush
UPPER COLLEGETOWN— As prelim season descends back over Ithaca after an all-too-short break, many students are feeling the aftereffects of completely forgetting about their coursework during their long weekend trip to New York City. Despite convincing themselves that they would work on the bus ride back, many still have unfinished assignments due frighteningly soon. However,…
“Yeah I Was in the Hood,” Says Rich White Biology Student Misleadingly Talking About Fume Hood
BIOTECHNOLOGY BUILDING—As a research university, Cornell provides the unique opportunity for undergraduate students to get involved in laboratories on campus. Not all students, however, are cut out for research. It can be a harsh environment, which is why so many are grateful to have “made it out,” after graduating. Elizabeth Clark ‘29 is a Biological…
Inconsiderate Asshole With No Concept of Personal Space Sits Within 5 Seats of You in Lecture Hall
BAKER LAB—As Steven Yates ‘29 settled in for his 9:05 AM organic chemistry lecture on Wednesday, he felt at peace. He had found a whole row of seats to himself near the back of the auditorium. As Yates pulled out his iPad and placed his laptop on the adjacent seat’s desk, a sense of satisfaction…
