Wikipedia Page of Esteemed Professor Currently Flunking You Not Even, Like, That Long
COCKTAIL LOUNGE—After a night of studying for Professor Palirello’s Static Dynamics class, students discovered that…
Wikipedia Page of Esteemed Professor Currently Flunking You Not Even, Like, That Long
COCKTAIL LOUNGE—After a night of studying for Professor Palirello’s Static Dynamics class, students discovered that the professor who spent the entire semester single-handedly dismantling students’ GPA has a Wikipedia page that is “like, not even that long.” Mark Ostrovsky ‘28 said, “From the way he leaves homework comments, I expected to put my thumbs to…
“These Hands Don’t Haze!” Says Frat President Who Used Legs to Kick Shit Out of Pledges
NORTH CAMPUS—For Skylar Rawlins ‘29, joining a fraternity has always been the plan. For years, he’s looked forward to the camaraderie and lasting memories that brotherhood would instill in him. Now, however, it seems like he may be having second thoughts. Recent eyewitness accounts describe Rawlins as appearing severely injured, with a black eye appearing…
Local Jester Actually Prefers Fool’s Spring
LIBE SLOPE—This week, the jingle of bells in the wind could be heard as distinctly as the bells of the clocktower itself as local jester Tingle van Pringleton ‘19 soaked up some well-deserved sunlight. “If you really think about it, the entirety of spring is essentially one long fool’s spring, since the deep, depressing, eternal…
Frolicking Squirrel Thinks It’s Funny You Bombed That Prelim
HO PLAZA—A. Cornellius III, a longtime Central Campus resident and Eastern Gray Squirrel, vehemently denied accusations that he was caught jeering and chittering derisively at students following the first round of prelims last week. “I just happen to be gathering nuts at a rate that’s not two standard deviations under the median,” he chirped. “Maybe…
Iran Not Close To Nuclear Capability, Says New Radioactive Super-Ayatollah
TEHRAN, IRAN—In a public address following a wave of strikes from the United States and Israel, Iran’s newly appointed Supreme Leader announced that the Islamic Republic has no plans to develop a nuclear weapon. “After all, we have promised our sworn enemies never to create such a device, which could theoretically be used against them…
Fire Hazard! Asbestos Removal Notices Cover Over 10% of Dorm Room Wall Space
CASCADILLA HALL—Each year, campus-wide dormitory fire inspections protect students against the threat of space heaters, extension cords, and freestanding microwave ovens. This year, however, dutiful Ithaca fire marshals have been met with a new challenge—asbestos removal notifications. According to Acting Fire Chief Samuel Smiley, local fire code mandates that no more than ten percent of…
Terrorism Enthusiasts Excited For New Batch of Extremist Organizations to Emerge After Iran War
ITHACA, NY—Sunday’s meeting of the Cornell Terror Society proved lively and optimistic as members discussed this weekend’s promising events in Iran. “This was our most active meeting in months,” said CTS president Ethan Melander ‘26. “Everyone was really pumped to hear the news. We’ve seen how these sorts of interventions play out—the possibilities for future…
