Op-Ed: My Candle Ritual Would Have Made My Situationship Like Me Back If the Fire Inspection Guys Hadn’t Confiscated It
My friends call me delusional, but I know the truth: the girl in my 10:10…
Op-Ed: My Candle Ritual Would Have Made My Situationship Like Me Back If the Fire Inspection Guys Hadn’t Confiscated It
My friends call me delusional, but I know the truth: the girl in my 10:10 bio class likes me back. All she needs is that little push, y’know? So I got a candle from Target, some yarn from Michael’s, and some spices from the dumpster behind Qawah. I laid it all on my desk, pentagram…
Student at Palantir Event Offended By Implication They Support Palantir
DUFFIELD HALL—Many saintlike engineering students have had their virtuous reputations marred by unfounded accusations of immorality following a recruitment event hosted by Palantir at Cornell. These engineers have done nothing more than demonstrate their willingness to ignore ethics for a $200k starting salary. One attendee, Ceille Autê ‘27, who has never faced any kind of…
“It’s 6 O’clock Somewhere”: Upperclassman Begs to Not Pay Bus Fare
FEENEY WAY—Life as a Cornell upperclassman is filled with many burdens: increased academic responsibility, off-campus housing, and the agony of paying the TCAT bus fare. Only on weekends and weekdays after 6 PM are these disenfranchised students privy to the free rides that freshmen enjoy guiltlessly—and few are ever so lucky. Some students are quick…
CTB Declares War on Qahwah House, Fires 300 Espresso Shots
COLLEGETOWN—Volleys of espresso shots pounded Qahwah House early Friday morning as CTB fired the opening salvos of a war that threatens to engulf the entire Collegetown restaurant scene. Bagelian President Augusto Brous declared war on Qahwah House soon after CTB’s armed forces launched their caffeinated attack. The invasion, dubbed Operation Panini Press, comes after a…
Wikipedia Page of Esteemed Professor Currently Flunking You Not Even, Like, That Long
COCKTAIL LOUNGE—After a night of studying for Professor Palirello’s Static Dynamics class, students discovered that the professor who spent the entire semester single-handedly dismantling students’ GPA has a Wikipedia page that is “like, not even that long.” Mark Ostrovsky ‘28 said, “From the way he leaves homework comments, I expected to put my thumbs to…
“These Hands Don’t Haze!” Says Frat President Who Used Legs to Kick Shit Out of Pledges
NORTH CAMPUS—For Skylar Rawlins ‘29, joining a fraternity has always been the plan. For years, he’s looked forward to the camaraderie and lasting memories that brotherhood would instill in him. Now, however, it seems like he may be having second thoughts. Recent eyewitness accounts describe Rawlins as appearing severely injured, with a black eye appearing…
Local Jester Actually Prefers Fool’s Spring
LIBE SLOPE—This week, the jingle of bells in the wind could be heard as distinctly as the bells of the clocktower itself as local jester Tingle van Pringleton ‘19 soaked up some well-deserved sunlight. “If you really think about it, the entirety of spring is essentially one long fool’s spring, since the deep, depressing, eternal…
Frolicking Squirrel Thinks It’s Funny You Bombed That Prelim
HO PLAZA—A. Cornellius III, a longtime Central Campus resident and Eastern Gray Squirrel, vehemently denied accusations that he was caught jeering and chittering derisively at students following the first round of prelims last week. “I just happen to be gathering nuts at a rate that’s not two standard deviations under the median,” he chirped. “Maybe…
