Inhabitants of Local Valley Starting to Regret Construction of Hole-in-the-wall Restaurant in Hydroelectric Dam
UNASSUMING VALLEY—Residents have started to express worry about the integrity of a nearby dam after…
Inhabitants of Local Valley Starting to Regret Construction of Hole-in-the-wall Restaurant in Hydroelectric Dam
UNASSUMING VALLEY—Residents have started to express worry about the integrity of a nearby dam after construction crews arrived this past Tuesday with jackhammers, explosives, and a wrecking ball. “We were promised this quirky hole-in-the-wall restaurant that would be unique and totally charming,” said Marianne Petrovski, a local schoolteacher and mother of approximately two. “When the…
Tompkins County DA Relieved to Go Back to Dismissing Other Cases
ITHACA, NY—After being removed from the reopened Chi Phi case, Tompkins County District Attorney Matthew Van Houten expressed his gratitude for the opportunity to redouble his efforts dismissing cases brought by other complainants. “The last thing I would want is for my involvement in this very public case to distract me from the hundreds of…
Kotlikoff Also Wondering What Action Cornell Administration Will Take
GREEN SCREEN—In a Saturday video statement, university president Michael Kotlikoff spoke directly to the Cornell community, informing them that he was just as curious as they were about how his administration intends to address sexual violence. “I want to acknowledge something that can be difficult for an institution to say: we don’t have all the…
Splitsies! Group Assignment Done By Just You
BETHE HOUSE—On the laptop of sophomore Katie Maxwell ’29, a frantic scene emerged. Last Thursday, she had been assigned a random partner to work on a group assignment, but she had not yet heard from him, nary a word nor a sound. First contact with William Hopkins ’29 was reached at 8:34 PM, approximately three…
CUPD Claims K-9 Ate Report
BARTON HALL—Accused of omitting key details from Jane Doe’s testimony in the report they provided to the Tompkins County District Attorney, the Cornell University Police Department told the press Friday morning that parts of the document had simply been consumed by one of the force’s K-9 units. On November 25, 2024, CUPD supplied the DA’s…
Biology Major Stressed About Answers to Pre-Limbs
STIMSON HALL— Vertebrate limb development had Brian Perry ‘30 sweating bullets. Although limb formation only took up a couple slides of a lecture from his Intro to Evolutionary Biology class, his classmates’ talk of “prelim(b)s” had him thinking the topic might be pretty significant for his upcoming exam. “Everybody I talked to said they were…
Student Who Chose Cornell For Top 12 Ranking Forced to Transfer
CLARA DICKSON HALL— While scrolling on Instagram on September 22nd, Andrew Tian ‘30, whose profile bio reads “Cornell ‘30 T12,” learned of a deeply perturbing development. US News and World Report’s new Best Colleges Ranking had rated Cornell University 14th, dangerously lower than the number 12 spot it occupied last year. Tian frantically started exploring…
Your Friend Who Happens to Have a Car is Actually Funniest, Coolest, Most Attractive Person Ever
ITHACA, NY—Navigating Ithaca can be difficult. From long bus rides to even longer walks, the city isn’t as accessible as many students desire. Luckily, you’re bound to meet at least one person who brought their car to campus–all you have to do is befriend them. Maria Gomez ‘28 is a proud car owner, but insists…
Kotlikoff Frustrated by Inability to Send Nationwide Email
DAY HALL—Amidst widespread scrutiny over his administration’s handling of the 2024 Chi Phi rape case, Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff has expressed frustration about the limited reach of his preferred platform for damage control. Sources within the administration—which has come under fire for assigning essays as a punishment for the accused rapists—say Kotlikoff was infuriated to…
“Did The Sun Set?” Question Answered By A Million Instagram Stories Of Sky
ITHACA—On Friday evening, the sun set, much as it has every evening for the last four billion years. As is common on days with slight cloud cover, every social media feed was temporarily plagued with impressionist photos of pink and purple and orange. For Markus Grey ’28, the photos of the sunset were a welcome…
