Report: Satan Finally Stands Up for Himself in Philosophy Seminar
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—At 10:17 AM in a philosophy discussion, all hell broke loose after Associate…
Report: Satan Finally Stands Up for Himself in Philosophy Seminar
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—At 10:17 AM in a philosophy discussion, all hell broke loose after Associate Professor Dantes Noferno suggested there was no afterlife, a statement which one student violently rejected. Satan ‘666 BCE was seen thwacking the half-raised hands of his peers with a crimson pitchfork and a pointed tail waving angrily behind him as…
NSF…W? OnlyFans to Start Research Fund in Lieu of Federal Grants
WASHINGTON, DC— The Trump Administration has cut over $1.4 billion in National Science Foundation (NSF) grants, leaving many researchers with limited options to fund their work. OnlyFans, the often-X-rated video subscription service, has recently formed a 501(c)(3) foundation to award research funding to universities, emerging as an unconventional academic hero. “Middle-aged men won’t allocate money…
Op-Ed: I Don’t Like You Very Much
I’ve been pondering this for some time now, and frankly I just have to get it off my chest. I don’t like you. You piss me off. A lot. Like last week, when you were getting in the line at Libe Cafe behind me, and you almost flat tired me. I don’t care that you…
Ryan Lombardi Pretty Confident He Can Pull A January 6 Right About Now
ROCKEFELLER HALL—The morning of the Cornell Faculty Senate Vote of No Confidence, most of Cornell’s administration was bracing for what could be another indictment on their failure to handle the Jane Doe case. But Vice President Ryan Lombardi was hoping that the fallout would be greater, perhaps great enough that it would make him president….
Kotlikoff To Replace Flock Cameras With SUV Backup Camera
ITHACA, NY—Following the expiration of a contract between Cornell and Flock Safety earlier this month, seven privately-operated surveillance cameras are expected to be disconnected and removed from campus. To prevent high-traffic areas from being left unmonitored, University administrators have proposed a novel and cost-effective alternative. “So basically, I have an SUV,” explained Cornell President Michael…
Press Secretary’s White House Speedrun Beats Time for Escaping Ives Speedrun
IVES HALL—At around 8:50AM on October 12th, Caitie Zacherson ‘29 entered Ives Hall, hoping to set a new record for the fastest time to successfully exit the building. Coincidentally, this was also around the same time that former Press Secretary Katie Zacharia began her attempt to break the record for the shortest amount of time…
Empty Beer Can Crushed, Devastated
CATHERINE STREET—Amid delightful outdoor celebrations, Ian P. Aleson sat comfortably among his fellow aluminum peers in their warm soggy box. Some of the dozen had already been selected by grubby hands, popped open at the surface, and guzzled by stubbly mouths smelling of cigarettes. Aleson patiently awaited his turn, blissfully unaware of the fate that…
Vote of No Continence? Kotlikoff Shits Pants
During a session last Wednesday, Cornell’s Faculty Senate debated over holding a vote of no confidence in the university’s administration. Throughout the lengthy discussion, however, President Michael Kotlikoff found it extremely difficult to focus on the arguments of the senate members; he had something much more pressing, even explosive, on his mind. Perhaps it was…
Uris Hall Excited to Announce New 0 Ply Toilet Paper
URIS HALL—When Tommi Phisinger ‘28 sought digestive relief in the second floor Uris Hall bathroom between lectures, she came to a disturbing realization. “I went to grab the toilet paper after I completed my business. You know, as one does,” Phisinger confided. “I was disgusted to realize that the toilet paper was so thin, I…
“I’ll See You In Court”: Student Mistakes CKB Resident’s Invitation As Legal Threat
COURT-KAY-BAUER HALL—When Joanna Stevens ‘30 was assigned to a group project for her public policy class, she hit it off with another member in her group, Clare Brighton ‘30. After chatting each other up during a library work session, Brighton suggested that Stevens join her to finish working on the project later that week. Stevens…
