MARY DONLON HALL—The Cornell administration has worked tirelessly to demonstrate its commitment to the safety of its student body, protecting them from people holding signs, concerts, and chalk. Although many of the students and organizations responsible for perpetuating these despicable acts have been suspended, their radical messaging continues to spread in new and horrifying ways. …
AGRICULTURE QUADRANGLE—Generative Artificial Intelligence (Gen AI) has taken over Silicon Valley, social media, and college campuses. Still, its heavy usage remains widely criticized. Though environmentalists typically have a lot to say about the environmental impacts of Gen AI, one E&S Major who uses ChatGPT is just gonna call it even. Lauren Conner ‘27 is an…
ARLINGTON, VA—Due to continued downsizing of the federal government, the Department of War has begun taking over many duties of the Department of Education. In their latest collaborative effort, the recent Iran endeavour has served to increase Americans’ waterway knowledge, along with whatever the Department of War wanted to accomplish. Iran was chosen in accordance…
DUFFIELD HALL—Many saintlike engineering students have had their virtuous reputations marred by unfounded accusations of immorality following a recruitment event hosted by Palantir at Cornell. These engineers have done nothing more than demonstrate their willingness to ignore ethics for a $200k starting salary. One attendee, Ceille Autê ‘27, who has never faced any kind of…
TEHRAN, IRAN—In a public address following a wave of strikes from the United States and Israel, Iran’s newly appointed Supreme Leader announced that the Islamic Republic has no plans to develop a nuclear weapon. “After all, we have promised our sworn enemies never to create such a device, which could theoretically be used against them…
ITHACA, NY—Sunday’s meeting of the Cornell Terror Society proved lively and optimistic as members discussed this weekend’s promising events in Iran. “This was our most active meeting in months,” said CTS president Ethan Melander ‘26. “Everyone was really pumped to hear the news. We’ve seen how these sorts of interventions play out—the possibilities for future…
DANBURY, CT—After decades on the run, Cornell’s Andrew D. White Professor-At-Large was located and taken into police custody earlier this morning. The disgraced ex–faculty member, formerly known as Dr. Robert LeRoy, was forced from his position after a fierce parking dispute and went on the lam in 1965. Later that year, the vengeful Board of…
BINGHAMTON, NY—Over the long weekend, students undertook cultural festivities of great fortune to ring in the Year of the Horse. With Asia out of reach, Cornellians turned to the next best option to celebrate: Binghamton. “The chicken spiedies wrapped in ‘bing’ pancake really evoke the taste of China,” remarked Lucas Campbell ‘28 who is completing…
ITHACA, NY—On Monday morning, Samuel Whitmore ’27, a student in Professor Daniel Sarver’s Ethics in Business course, noticed something different when he received an email from his professor. Near the close of the message, students were met with an additional paragraph between Sarver’s office location and the university’s standard land acknowledgement. “I live and work…
SAINT PAUL, MN—Amid widespread backlash against an ICE agent’s killing of Alex Pretti in Minneapolis last week, top Minnesota Democratic officials addressed calls for action at a press conference Wednesday morning. “In times of crisis, leaders need to be strong and clear,” said Governor Tim Walz. “So, I will talk directly to President Trump: my…
