April 30, 2025
Headlines

Cornell

“What Are You Talking About? Slope Day Just Happened”: Administration Tries New Tactic After Failing to Source Replacement Artist

Nooz Staff03 mins

LIBE SLOPE—Thousands of students have voiced their disappointment at the current uncertainty surrounding Slope Day, taking to the internet and even their emails to rail against the administration. At first, university officials were dismissive, assuring students not to worry while remaining vague about the fate of the time-honored Cornell tradition. However, recently, a marked shift…

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Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker

Nooz Staff03 mins

ALLENTOWN, PA—University officials announced Monday afternoon that they had selected a powerhouse performer to serve as both Slope Day headliner and Senior Convocation speaker; the individual’s availability was confirmed via Craigslist. The heavy-hitter in question, Jerry Ferguson, hails from Allentown, PA and—according to his Facebook profile—is an “aspiring 29-year-old musician with mad guitar Skillz”. On…

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EDITORIAL | Nooz Will Endorse You For Student Assembly, Dependent On How Willing You Are To Push Our Interests

Nooz Staff02 mins

After scrolling through the Instagram pages of all candidates, CU Nooz’s Editorial Team believes that no presidential candidate demonstrates the corruption and lack of respect necessary to fully represent the institutional values of this paper: power and relentless greed. Cornell stands at a precipice. We’re not sure why, or how to fix it, but the…

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“Hi, Mind If We Ask You a Quick Question?” Admitted Student’s Family Member Somehow Inside of Your Room

Nooz Staff02 mins

MORRISON HALL—As admitted students excitedly rove around campus, eager to learn more about their future home of four years, their families are left with nothing to do except pester the innocent passersby with unanswerable questions. These family members are dedicated to their pursuit, stopping current students anywhere they possibly can, at any and all hours…

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Hundreds of Miscreant Agitators Occupying Arts Quad Without Activity Permit

Nooz Staff03 mins

ARTS QUAD—For the first time since its rollout on March 28, President Michael Kotlikoff has invoked Cornell’s final university-wide Expressive Activity Policy against a group of students enjoying a sunny day on the Arts Quad with unmistakably nefarious intent. The offending students, described as belonging to “a loose coalition of 91 different clubs and organizations”,…

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Report: ‘Interim’ Boyfriend Still Unlikely to Go Official

Nooz Staff02 mins

DAY HALL—Just after 3:00 PM this afternoon, the Board of Trustees announced their vote to officially appoint Michael Kotlikoff president of Cornell University, effective immediately. Unfortunately, sources indicate the guy you’ve been seeing is less ready than ever for the same kind of commitment. Although Kotlikoff’s tenure as Interim President was host to a number…

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University Establishes Tusk Force to Buy a Bunch of Really Cool Elephants

Nooz Staff01 mins

DAY HALL—Interim President Michael Kotlikoff has announced the formation of a new tusk force to study the possibility of buying some super awesome elephants. According to a campus-wide email sent earlier today, the Presidential Tusk Force to Explore the Purchase of a Bunch of Really Cool Elephants was created to “examine critical questions concerning how…

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