FLORA ROSE HOUSE—On Thursday morning, Fredrick Menten ‘29 peacefully slept off the previous night’s drunk hijinks in his slope-facing single, the crisp morning air and chirping of birds circulating through his open window. There was no better ailment in his recovery from intoxication. Much to his chagrin, however, the ever-talented chimesmasters of the clocktower chose…
UPPER COLLEGETOWN— As prelim season descends back over Ithaca after an all-too-short break, many students are feeling the aftereffects of completely forgetting about their coursework during their long weekend trip to New York City. Despite convincing themselves that they would work on the bus ride back, many still have unfinished assignments due frighteningly soon. However,…
GREEN SCREEN—In a Saturday video statement, university president Michael Kotlikoff spoke directly to the Cornell community, informing them that he was just as curious as they were about how his administration intends to address sexual violence. “I want to acknowledge something that can be difficult for an institution to say: we don’t have all the…
BARTON HALL—Accused of omitting key details from Jane Doe’s testimony in the report they provided to the Tompkins County District Attorney, the Cornell University Police Department told the press Friday morning that parts of the document had simply been consumed by one of the force’s K-9 units. On November 25, 2024, CUPD supplied the DA’s…
ITHACA—On Friday evening, the sun set, much as it has every evening for the last four billion years. As is common on days with slight cloud cover, every social media feed was temporarily plagued with impressionist photos of pink and purple and orange. For Markus Grey ’28, the photos of the sunset were a welcome…
BARTON HALL — At the annual fall career fair, engineer Erin Zhang ‘28 was seen making a beeline for her favorite company’s booth, eager to debut her newest creation. “In the age of optimization and automation I believe this is the next step in the recruitment world,” Zhang said in a pitch to recruiters. “Allow…
IVES HALL—Students in ILRID 2610 were seen surrounding the doors of Ives Hall this morning, hoping to solicit a comment from Professor Mitchell Crenshaw ahead of the class’s 7:00 PM prelim. Sources report that the decrepit professor, forgoing a verbal response, extended one shaky, liver-spotted hand and unfolded two creaking fingers to form a peace…
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HU SHIH HALL—Freshman math major and precious darling boy William Sorenson ‘30 spent a perplexing two hours Wednesday evening deciphering the function of the unfamiliar devices in the laundry room of his North Campus residence hall. Onlookers say Sorenson’s arrival was heralded by an hour-long period during which the building’s elevator was stalled on the…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Excitement rocked the halls of Cornell’s Department of Literatures in English Wednesday after news broke that the program would be receiving an unprecedented $12 grant. The historic windfall, offered as part of a research initiative by the New York State Library, has inspired a wave of optimism regarding the department’s ability to compete…
