OP-ED: Hey Ryan, So Like Now That You’re On Sabbatical, I Was Wondering If You’d Like To Maybe Hang Out Sometime Soon? We Can Grab Coffee On Friday Haha. I’m Sort Of Behind On Rent So If You Could Pay That Would Be Cool

MY APARTMENT—I was thinking, like, wow, we’ve known each other for so long, and I’d like for us to get closer. There’s this unspoken bond between us, where I write articles about you, and you don’t really acknowledge them because flirting with a student “isn’t appropriate”, but I know you enjoy the attention.  I remember…

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“A Date Which Will Live in Infamy”: Student Bombs Prelim

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Frank Rosen ‘25 delivered a speech to an emergency session of the Student Assembly regarding the calamitous prelim grade dropped on a Cornell sophomore earlier today. “Today, December 7, 2024—a date which will live in infamy—Eddie Kimmel ‘27 was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the TAs and professor of MATH 2130. “Kimmel was…

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“Consider a Man’s Life Situated on a Frictionless, Downward Plane”: Physics Professor Not Handling His Divorce Well

ROCKEFELLER HALL—Students of Professor Gary Whitman have expressed growing concern for their physics instructor after his lectures took a dismal turn in the last couple of weeks. While the discovery of Whitman’s ongoing divorce saddened his pupils, few of them were surprised. “Yeah, he’s kind of been hinting at it,” admitted Shriya Pradhan ‘28.  According…

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"Yeah, those guys were brothers here, but they already graduated."

Op-Ed: Frat Won’t Let Me into Halloweekend Party Even Though I Can Name Dahmer, Bundy, and All 45 of Their Victims

These frat doormen are on a serious power trip. For my three years at Cornell, I’ve been sold the lie that if I can name enough people at a fraternity’s front door, then they’ll let me into their party. Well, this Halloween I was still denied entry even though I can name Dahmer, Bundy, and…

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Ben Shapiro Stirs Up Hydrophobic Allegations After Swallowing Motor Oil to Make Voice Extra Squeaky

BAILEY HALL—Conservative commentator and host of the Daily Wire Ben Shapiro was spotted on campus this morning preparing for tonight’s speaker event. While left-wing students prepare for his audacious and rapid-fire debating style, they might not expect his rumored secret weapon: consuming motor oil. “I first learned about this technique while rapping,” squealed Shapiro last…

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 ‘I Realize This Is, in Some Sense, Theater’: Model UN Participant Garners Semblance of Self-Awareness

URIS HALL–Model UN president Jorge Melendez ‘25 was booed out of Uris Hall Auditorium by nearly 200 Live Action Role-Play (LARP) Participants, also known as this year’s Cornell International Affairs Conference (CIAC) members. In a shocking moment of self-awareness, Melendez confessed: “I Realize This Is, in Some Sense, Theater.”  Earlier in the conference, Melendez discussed…

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Expressive Activity Policy Updated with Provisions for “Acceptable White Hood Size” and “Torch Specifications”

DAY HALL—In a conference with worried parents on Monday, Cornell administration outlined the steps it is taking to ensure that campus protests do not endanger the student body. To ease concerns, Vice President Ryan Lombardi rolled out a new set of provisions under the Interim Expressive Activity Policy aimed at making campus safer.  “We value…

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“Look! Apples!” Cornell Football Creates Diversion Upon Realizing Homecoming Game Will Have Spectators

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Unbeknownst to all but the Daily Sun’s four dedicated readers, Cornell Football suffered a loss last Saturday in their opening match against Colgate University. However, the team was “comforted” by the “complete lack of interest or attention from the student body,” said head coach Dan Swanstrom. As a result, players were dismayed to learn…

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Happy Fall! Cornell Financial Aid Debuts New Pumpkin Spice-Themed Loan Increase

DAY HALL—It’s officially autumn, which can only mean one thing: everything is orange now! In every store in the country, pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin spice Oreos, and pumpkin spice cheesecake fill the shelves– and it’s not just stores. The Cornell University Financial Aid Office is also getting in on the fall fun, debuting a new…

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“Have You Considered Applying to Jobs?” Career Advisor Gives Helpful Advice

CENTRAL CAMPUS—It’s that time of the year! As September wraps up, seniors are increasingly experiencing pressure from their parents to get a jump on their job search. Career Advisor Andrew Hastings bore the brunt of the meetings with hordes of students, all desperately cloying for a job.  “Advising students on their career hunt isn’t just…

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