HU SHIH HALL—Freshman math major and precious darling boy William Sorenson ‘30 spent a perplexing two hours Wednesday evening deciphering the function of the unfamiliar devices in the laundry room of his North Campus residence hall. Onlookers say Sorenson’s arrival was heralded by an hour-long period during which the building’s elevator was stalled on the…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Excitement rocked the halls of Cornell’s Department of Literatures in English Wednesday after news broke that the program would be receiving an unprecedented $12 grant. The historic windfall, offered as part of a research initiative by the New York State Library, has inspired a wave of optimism regarding the department’s ability to compete…
GANĘDAGǪ: HALL—The university’s geriatric student population—namely the surviving members of the Class of 2026—erupted this week after learning about new residence guidelines prohibiting the processing of wild game in communal spaces. “No game‽” cried Archibald Hairloss ‘26, a long-time Cornellian known to frequent North Campus. “Dudee, I remember Skully, who’s fuckin crazy by the way,…
FEENEY WAY– For Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff, a new school year means a fresh start, this time with a new, tank-like flavor. After coming under fire for running over a student protester’s foot last spring, Kotlikoff has renounced his toe-hungry whip and found a more soothing replacement. Nothing, it seems, screams new beginnings like a…
DAY HALL—On Friday, President Kotlikoff employed his automatic coverup system to carefully maneuver himself out of what many considered a prime opportunity to take accountability. Kotlikoff’s recent campus-wide email, a six-paragraph narrative more desperate than a drunk text to an ex, demonstrated remarkable capabilities to describe certain aspects in extreme detail. The email also ensured…
GOLDWIN SMITH– Senior Grant Lampert ‘26 is living every student’s worst nightmare. After spending time and energy writing a discussion board post without AI, he has been accused of violating Cornell’s generative AI policy. English Professor Robin Castillo claimed she was immediately suspicious of Lampert’s post on Albert Camus’s The Myth of Sisyphus due to…
MARY DONLON HALL—The Cornell administration has worked tirelessly to demonstrate its commitment to the safety of its student body, protecting them from people holding signs, concerts, and chalk. Although many of the students and organizations responsible for perpetuating these despicable acts have been suspended, their radical messaging continues to spread in new and horrifying ways. …
DAY HALL—A new University report released by the Office of Student Life yesterday found that students need to be better supported through struggles with mental health, post-grad career stress, and heavy workloads, but that, ugh, it sounds like so much work, though! The report confirmed previous allegations that the University needs to take better care…
DAILY SUN HEADQUARTERS—The question was posed to a cohort of Daily Sun Editors on their last day of Kindergarten last week: What do you want to be when you grow up? The bright-eyed students, fresh out of their lessons about prepositions, contemplated this question. The bunch reportedly said that they “wanted to be like those…
DAY HALL—Ahead of Cornell Days, when incoming students tour campus and overcrowd Morrison Dining, President Michael Kotlikoff was spotted power washing political messages written in chalk. The messages, placed there by Students for a Democratic Cornell to protest Cornell’s connections to ICE and Trump, were unceremoniously replaced with hopscotch courts hand-drawn by Kotlikoff with Crayola…
