As the newly appointed president of Cornell University, I know I have many challenges coming my way. With tensions rising across college campuses, I have to act quickly. That is why the absolute most important thing for me to do on the first day on the job is to brainstorm a new theme year. I came up with the perfect idea: the Year of Worker’s Rights.
As in, the year of worker’s right-to-work laws.
(Oh Martha, why didn’t you warn me about the Theme Year Curse?)
Dozens of Cornell employees such as myself work happily unionized, grateful for our 6 figure salary to make ends meet. Unfortunately, now, a couple hundred or thousand whining protestors and supporters are demanding things like “liveable wages” and “healthcare”. I can’t have my genius theme year tied up with all that stuff. The whole thing’s gotta go.
If the ILRies played their cards right, they could have had a bunch of botched T-shirts with their little slogan. Thanks to their foolishness, I’ve heard that they now spend their days “actively putting their degree to work” and “supporting the UAW”.
I will not be responding to any questions at this time – at least I can say that the whole “Freedom of Expression Year” nonsense is over. But, if anyone has any new theme ideas that won’t fuck me over, let me know.
