ITHACA, NY—In a series of recent New York Times interviews, Board of Trustees Meetings, and Faculty Senate Meetings, President Kotlikoff repeatedly warned that replacing a President would be detrimental to Cornell’s reputation, a conclusion that has raised questions on whether the President has a stake in the matter. When asked whether the university’s reputation might…
GREEN SCREEN—In a Saturday video statement, university president Michael Kotlikoff spoke directly to the Cornell community, informing them that he was just as curious as they were about how his administration intends to address sexual violence. “I want to acknowledge something that can be difficult for an institution to say: we don’t have all the…
ITHACA—On Friday evening, the sun set, much as it has every evening for the last four billion years. As is common on days with slight cloud cover, every social media feed was temporarily plagued with impressionist photos of pink and purple and orange. For Markus Grey ’28, the photos of the sunset were a welcome…
FEENEY WAY– For Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff, a new school year means a fresh start, this time with a new, tank-like flavor. After coming under fire for running over a student protester’s foot last spring, Kotlikoff has renounced his toe-hungry whip and found a more soothing replacement. Nothing, it seems, screams new beginnings like a…
DAY HALL—On Friday, President Kotlikoff employed his automatic coverup system to carefully maneuver himself out of what many considered a prime opportunity to take accountability. Kotlikoff’s recent campus-wide email, a six-paragraph narrative more desperate than a drunk text to an ex, demonstrated remarkable capabilities to describe certain aspects in extreme detail. The email also ensured…
DAY HALL—Ahead of Cornell Days, when incoming students tour campus and overcrowd Morrison Dining, President Michael Kotlikoff was spotted power washing political messages written in chalk. The messages, placed there by Students for a Democratic Cornell to protest Cornell’s connections to ICE and Trump, were unceremoniously replaced with hopscotch courts hand-drawn by Kotlikoff with Crayola…
Terms of the agreement: Clause I: Carnelian Red MAGA hats to be sold at Cornell Store Clause III: Kotlikoff must trade blue Fruit Roll-Up for banana left in bottom of Trump’s lunch box Clause VI: Touchdown the Bear required to assist in ICE arrests Clause VIII: All University Communications will henceforth and From Now On…
ALLENTOWN, PA—University officials announced Monday afternoon that they had selected a powerhouse performer to serve as both Slope Day headliner and Senior Convocation speaker; the individual’s availability was confirmed via Craigslist. The heavy-hitter in question, Jerry Ferguson, hails from Allentown, PA and—according to his Facebook profile—is an “aspiring 29-year-old musician with mad guitar Skillz”. On…
DAY HALL—Interim President Michael Kotlikoff has announced the formation of a new tusk force to study the possibility of buying some super awesome elephants. According to a campus-wide email sent earlier today, the Presidential Tusk Force to Explore the Purchase of a Bunch of Really Cool Elephants was created to “examine critical questions concerning how…
As the newly appointed president of Cornell University, I know I have many challenges coming my way. With tensions rising across college campuses, I have to act quickly. That is why the absolute most important thing for me to do on the first day on the job is to brainstorm a new theme year. I…
