FEENEY WAY– For Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff, a new school year means a fresh start, this time with a new, tank-like flavor. After coming under fire for running over a student protester’s foot last spring, Kotlikoff has renounced his toe-hungry whip and found a more soothing replacement. Nothing, it seems, screams new beginnings like a…
DAY HALL—On Friday, President Kotlikoff employed his automatic coverup system to carefully maneuver himself out of what many considered a prime opportunity to take accountability. Kotlikoff’s recent campus-wide email, a six-paragraph narrative more desperate than a drunk text to an ex, demonstrated remarkable capabilities to describe certain aspects in extreme detail. The email also ensured…
MARY DONLON HALL—The Cornell administration has worked tirelessly to demonstrate its commitment to the safety of its student body, protecting them from people holding signs, concerts, and chalk. Although many of the students and organizations responsible for perpetuating these despicable acts have been suspended, their radical messaging continues to spread in new and horrifying ways. …
DAY HALL—A new University report released by the Office of Student Life yesterday found that students need to be better supported through struggles with mental health, post-grad career stress, and heavy workloads, but that, ugh, it sounds like so much work, though! The report confirmed previous allegations that the University needs to take better care…
DAY HALL—Ahead of Cornell Days, when incoming students tour campus and overcrowd Morrison Dining, President Michael Kotlikoff was spotted power washing political messages written in chalk. The messages, placed there by Students for a Democratic Cornell to protest Cornell’s connections to ICE and Trump, were unceremoniously replaced with hopscotch courts hand-drawn by Kotlikoff with Crayola…
We all remember last year’s Slope Day fiasco, when Kehlani’s invitation to be the event’s headliner was revoked days after being announced. Last week, EDM duo The Chainsmokers were revealed as the Slope Day artist, whose hits like “Something Just Like This” and “Don’t Let Me Down” shot them to the top of the music…
DANBURY, CT—After decades on the run, Cornell’s Andrew D. White Professor-At-Large was located and taken into police custody earlier this morning. The disgraced ex–faculty member, formerly known as Dr. Robert LeRoy, was forced from his position after a fierce parking dispute and went on the lam in 1965. Later that year, the vengeful Board of…
DAY HALL—Cornell’s Presidential Task Force on Institutional Voice issued its final recommendations for the University on February 5. Formed in March of last year, the Task Force aimed to codify expectations for the University’s official response to political issues.
DAY HALL—Amid fallout from the most recent release of documents which further confirm President Trump’s ties to the convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff faces a dilemma regarding the recent deal the university concluded with the federal government. As part of the agreement, Kotlikoff and a guest received round-trip airfare and a…
Terms of the agreement: Clause I: Carnelian Red MAGA hats to be sold at Cornell Store Clause III: Kotlikoff must trade blue Fruit Roll-Up for banana left in bottom of Trump’s lunch box Clause VI: Touchdown the Bear required to assist in ICE arrests Clause VIII: All University Communications will henceforth and From Now On…
