Cornell Union Busting Allegations Assuaged by 4–1 Hockey Loss

LYNAH RINK—Big Red Men’s Ice Hockey’s 4–1 loss to Union College was a relief for Interim President Michael Kotlikoff, who has faced criticism for a recent statement regarding the University’s ongoing negotiations with Cornell Graduate Students United (CGSU). “The notion that Cornell engages in ‘Union busting’ is ridiculous,” Kotlikoff wrote in an email sent shortly…

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OP-ED: Hey Ryan, So Like Now That You’re On Sabbatical, I Was Wondering If You’d Like To Maybe Hang Out Sometime Soon? We Can Grab Coffee On Friday Haha. I’m Sort Of Behind On Rent So If You Could Pay That Would Be Cool

MY APARTMENT—I was thinking, like, wow, we’ve known each other for so long, and I’d like for us to get closer. There’s this unspoken bond between us, where I write articles about you, and you don’t really acknowledge them because flirting with a student “isn’t appropriate”, but I know you enjoy the attention.  I remember…

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Ben Shapiro Stirs Up Hydrophobic Allegations After Swallowing Motor Oil to Make Voice Extra Squeaky

BAILEY HALL—Conservative commentator and host of the Daily Wire Ben Shapiro was spotted on campus this morning preparing for tonight’s speaker event. While left-wing students prepare for his audacious and rapid-fire debating style, they might not expect his rumored secret weapon: consuming motor oil. “I first learned about this technique while rapping,” squealed Shapiro last…

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Expressive Activity Policy Updated with Provisions for “Acceptable White Hood Size” and “Torch Specifications”

DAY HALL—In a conference with worried parents on Monday, Cornell administration outlined the steps it is taking to ensure that campus protests do not endanger the student body. To ease concerns, Vice President Ryan Lombardi rolled out a new set of provisions under the Interim Expressive Activity Policy aimed at making campus safer.  “We value…

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Happy Fall! Cornell Financial Aid Debuts New Pumpkin Spice-Themed Loan Increase

DAY HALL—It’s officially autumn, which can only mean one thing: everything is orange now! In every store in the country, pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin spice Oreos, and pumpkin spice cheesecake fill the shelves– and it’s not just stores. The Cornell University Financial Aid Office is also getting in on the fall fun, debuting a new…

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“Have You Considered Applying to Jobs?” Career Advisor Gives Helpful Advice

CENTRAL CAMPUS—It’s that time of the year! As September wraps up, seniors are increasingly experiencing pressure from their parents to get a jump on their job search. Career Advisor Andrew Hastings bore the brunt of the meetings with hordes of students, all desperately cloying for a job.  “Advising students on their career hunt isn’t just…

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Cornell-UAW Agreement Includes COLA, Though Water Might Have Been a Healthier Option

DAY HALL—Weeks of strikes have culminated in a landmark agreement between Cornell University and the United Auto Workers Local 2300 that addresses dozens of the union’s demands, including higher wages, expanded benefits, and access to a popular carbonated soft drink. While this new contract will no doubt improve the lives of the University’s employees, Cornell’s…

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Interim President Kotlikoff Relishing Opportunity to Get His Hands in a Big Heap of Tofu and Cauliflower

MORRISON DINING—Interim President Michael Kotlikoff was spotted Saturday staffing Toni Morrison Dining Hall, as services across campus continue to function at a limited capacity due to the ongoing UAW workers’ strike. His presence prompted speculation from students, faculty, and striking workers alike– was he simply posturing as an everyman, or mounting a proverbial attack on…

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Ann Coulter to Reminisce About the Good Ol’ Days When Only White People Booed Her Off Stage

DAY HALL—In an effort to restore Cornell University to its rightful status as a paragon of free speech, Provost Kotlikoff has invited Ann Coulter ‘84 to speak on her illustrious career in tweeting and speaking to disinterested crowds. To great surprise, the prestigious alumnus accepted, but not without demands. The terms and conditions, arriving in…

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