Events

“What Are You Talking About? Slope Day Just Happened”: Administration Tries New Tactic After Failing to Source Replacement Artist

Nooz Staff3 weeks ago03 mins

LIBE SLOPE—Thousands of students have voiced their disappointment at the current uncertainty surrounding Slope Day, taking to the internet and even their emails to rail against the administration. At first, university officials were dismissive, assuring students not to worry while remaining vague about the fate of the time-honored Cornell tradition. However, recently, a marked shift…

Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker

Nooz Staff3 weeks ago3 weeks ago03 mins

ALLENTOWN, PA—University officials announced Monday afternoon that they had selected a powerhouse performer to serve as both Slope Day headliner and Senior Convocation speaker; the individual’s availability was confirmed via Craigslist. The heavy-hitter in question, Jerry Ferguson, hails from Allentown, PA and—according to his Facebook profile—is an “aspiring 29-year-old musician with mad guitar Skillz”. On…

Hundreds of Miscreant Agitators Occupying Arts Quad Without Activity Permit

Nooz Staff1 month ago1 month ago03 mins

ARTS QUAD—For the first time since its rollout on March 28, President Michael Kotlikoff has invoked Cornell’s final university-wide Expressive Activity Policy against a group of students enjoying a sunny day on the Arts Quad with unmistakably nefarious intent. The offending students, described as belonging to “a loose coalition of 91 different clubs and organizations”,…

OP-ED: Pwease Mistuh Pwofessuh Don’t Mark Me Absent My Pwivate Pwane Got In Really Really Late Last Night

Nooz Staff1 month ago1 month ago03 mins

A BED WITH A WHITE DUVET—God gives its toughest battles to its stwongest warriors, so obviously I’m like a war hero or something because I had to overcome quite the stwuggle last night. You see, usually Daddy and I waltz right on to Philbert, which is what we named our pwivate jet, but before we…

Colin Joust to Headline Cornell Renaissance Faire

Nooz Staff2 months ago2 months ago02 mins

ARTES QUADRANGLE—Th’Cornell Renaissance Faire is underway, and its stewards hath invited to the festival a jester moste famous. Mister Colin Joust of Manhattan did agree to ‘tend the faire, where he’ll entertain crowds of revellers with’s fantastical and humorous tales. Mr Joust, perhaps best knowne for his exceedingly fair wife, is also a moste respected…

Local Deviant Rolls in Mud Alone, Unprovoked

Nooz Staff2 months ago2 months ago02 mins

LINDEN AVE—Every weekend closest to St. Paddy’s Day, the student body takes to the streets to drink, party, drink, and drink some more. The resulting mix of vomit, alcohol, and the odd spray of urine creates a muddy sludge that would repulse the average sober person. However, this same sludge has proven irresistible to the…

Esteemed NYT Crossword Clue Rita Ora to Headline Slope Day

Nooz Staff2 months ago2 months ago02 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The Slope Day Programming Board has announced esteemed New York Times crossword clue Rita Ora will headline Slope Day. The vowel-heavy, classic three letter last name singer-songwriter will be welcomed to campus by puzzle aficionados and mini crossword lovers alike. With hits such as “Rita of pop music” or “British feature on Iggy…

Linda The Kids Miss You Come Back: My Ex-Wife Look Alike Contest Announced

Nooz Staff5 months ago5 months ago02 mins

In recent weeks, a new trend of “look-alike” competitions for celebrities has been popping up all over the country. One Cornell staff member, Jacob Kerrigan ’02, decided to join in on the fun, putting a personal twist on the fun new tradition. The poster, unfortunately, features a somewhat blurry photo of the subject of the…

Friend Complaining About Racist Uncle at Thanksgiving Clearly Doesn’t Have Uncle Taking Up the Tuba

Nooz Staff6 months ago6 months ago03 mins

HANS BETHE HOUSE—Students flocked back to campus today, marking the end of Thanksgiving break. For most it was restful. For many students, however, Thanksgiving means a dreaded reunion with humankind’s most resented relatives: uncles. “I have twelve uncles,” said Ethan Doherty ‘27. “It’s hard to keep track of which ones are normal because everyone wears…

Kotlikoff Claims “You Can Fit A Turkey Up There”, Vague About What “There” Means

Nooz Staff6 months ago6 months ago02 mins

DAY HALL—As Thanksgiving Day nears, Cornell’s campus nears emptiness as most students, staff, and faculty leave Ithaca to celebrate with family. For the few who remain, Morrison Dining offers its annual Celebration of Gratitude Dinner. However, for Interim President Michael Kotlikoff, Thanksgiving is more than just a celebration. Spectators recall watching Kotlikoff follow live turkeys…

Despotic Senior Declines to Answer Whether They’ll Seek Third Term as Club President

In Historic Show of Power, Student Assembly Votes to Politely Ask for More Power

L-DOC? My Final Essay Fucking Sucks

Construction Workers Declare Occupation Of Libe Slope As Clock Tower Fences Expand Into New Territory

Rest of Sesame Street Crew Also Forced to Live in Trash Cans After PBS Defunding

Nooz Explains: 15 Exciting Ways to Set Off the Fire Alarm at 2:30 in the Goddamn Morning

“What Are You Talking About? Slope Day Just Happened”: Administration Tries New Tactic After Failing to Source Replacement Artist

Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker

Hundreds of Miscreant Agitators Occupying Arts Quad Without Activity Permit

OP-ED: Pwease Mistuh Pwofessuh Don’t Mark Me Absent My Pwivate Pwane Got In Really Really Late Last Night

Colin Joust to Headline Cornell Renaissance Faire

Local Deviant Rolls in Mud Alone, Unprovoked

Esteemed NYT Crossword Clue Rita Ora to Headline Slope Day

Linda The Kids Miss You Come Back: My Ex-Wife Look Alike Contest Announced

Friend Complaining About Racist Uncle at Thanksgiving Clearly Doesn’t Have Uncle Taking Up the Tuba

Kotlikoff Claims “You Can Fit A Turkey Up There”, Vague About What “There” Means