Thousands of students on campus have found themselves less alone this Valentine’s Day with a little help from an old study buddy: ChatGPT. Thanks to the indistinguishable array of data on the internet, singles can craft their perfect partner through artificial intelligence; bolstered by the romantic holiday, some have even decided to take their relationships…
As advanced AI systems become increasingly ingrained within our world, aiding in everything from Spotify recommendations to software engineering, and now matchmaking, I propose that we turn yet another tricky puzzle over to our new robot pals: morality. How old is too old? How young is too young? These complex and multifaceted issues have plagued…
WEST CAMPUS—Local arsonist Tim Martin ‘25 was flummoxed to discover a collection of women’s profiles in his Perfect Match results rather than kindling equipment this week. Though he kept an open mind throughout the process, Martin ultimately felt that his matches were not what he was looking for. “Unlike a typical match, these women did…
COLLEGETOWN—Amongst the Halloween revelers, ghosts, goblins, and ghouls at this year’s Halloween festivities stood a group of costumes so outrageous that passersby were seen running and screaming from the scene. “There- there was a Josh Allen, a Travis Kelce, a Tom Brady, and a Lamar Jackson,” said a still shaking Fernando Robertson ’26. Now normally…
SPIRIT HALLOWEEN—One lying cunt notoriously stands out among the student body as the absolute fakest, nastiest bitch to crawl the earth. This fugly, complete skank was shopping for a slutty Halloween disguise when she was spotted strutting right past the devil horn section to snatch a fluffy angel halo from the hands of an innocent…
STEWART AVE—The many responsibilities of a frat brother can be difficult to juggle. Managing throwing parties, violently hazing freshmen, and covering up said hazing all at once is a tough ask. So when pledge brother Austin Anders ‘26 was put on door duty for Alpha Pi Ro Kappa Delta Gamma’s Halloween party, mistakes–such as welcoming…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following the mass ostracization of last year’s Slope Day Programming Board, an entirely new set of victims, officially known as “members,” needed to be found. Fortunately, a group of students willing to impale themselves upon the unforgiving spear of dissatisfaction that is the student body have now been assembled. “I shall relish in…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—On May 1st, with Slope Day on the horizon, Cornell Dining launched their food ticket pre-sale at select locations across campus. Many students lined up at Okenshields to swipe in for their usual dinners, but one student, Jonah Kesky ‘26, was on a different mission. “I remember he was the first person in…
HEAVEN—God and the Angel of Death have announced plans to kill Touchdown the Bear, a Passover gift for Jewish and Gentile Cornellians alike. “I have tried time and again to deal with Touchdown and his many crimes against the Jewish people, but it seems My methods have been too lenient thus far,” saith the Lord….
