WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Every so often, a governing body accomplishes a feat so momentous that it defines an era, and is immortalized in the annals of history: the Declaration of Independence; the Emancipation Proclamation; the Louisiana Purchase. Thanks to a resolution passed just last week, Cornell’s Student Assembly can claim its own spot in this illustrious…
OLIN LIBRARY—With the end of the school year quickly approaching, many students have begun to write their final papers. Unfortunately, this endeavor has not been completely successful in every case. “There’s all this hype about L-DOC that I just don’t understand,” said Josh Richards ‘26. “I have a 30-page paper on Tibetan Buddhism due tonight,…
LIBE SLOPE—As of 3 a.m. Eastern Standard Time on May 5, 2025, construction workers on West and Central Campus have declared a unilateral “Special Construction Operation” on Libe Slope. Foreman Vladimir Smith gave an address to the construction workers at McGraw Clocktower, announcing his intentions to move infrastructure across the border of Libe Slope, in…
NEW YORK, NY—The Trump administration’s executive order stripping funds from PBS has had dire consequences for the stars of one of public television’s most popular programs. The cast of Sesame Street was blindsided by the announcement, and many are now struggling to make ends meet. “Me not know what to do. When me was younger,…
TONI MORRISON HALL—Tired of losing sleep because some dipshit in your dorm forgot to take their popcorn out of the microwave? Worry not! The CU Nooz editorial team has assembled a list of wacky new arson alternatives for those pertinacious pyromaniacs—so next time you’re startled awake by a blaring siren in the middle of the…
HO PLAZA—Amid the Trump administration’s broad assault on university funding and institutional freedom, one sneezy group of Cornell students seeks to highlight an often overlooked aspect of this fight. Allergic Cornellians Helping to Organize Outreach (ACHOO) claims that the current spike in environmental pollen allergens is a deliberate tactic of the Trump administration to obstruct…
ARTS QUAD—At a rare on-site press conference, President Michael Kotlikoff updated the Cornell community about the ongoing search for Ezra Cornell’s lost fortune, thought to be buried beneath the Arts Quad. “As you may know, our crews have been working overtime to find this hidden treasure,” said Kotlikoff, standing on a mound of displaced earth…
LIBE SLOPE—Thousands of students have voiced their disappointment at the current uncertainty surrounding Slope Day, taking to the internet and even their emails to rail against the administration. At first, university officials were dismissive, assuring students not to worry while remaining vague about the fate of the time-honored Cornell tradition. However, recently, a marked shift…
ALLENTOWN, PA—University officials announced Monday afternoon that they had selected a powerhouse performer to serve as both Slope Day headliner and Senior Convocation speaker; the individual’s availability was confirmed via Craigslist. The heavy-hitter in question, Jerry Ferguson, hails from Allentown, PA and—according to his Facebook profile—is an “aspiring 29-year-old musician with mad guitar Skillz”. On…
TOWER ROAD TUNNEL—Countless years after the commencement of the Great Scaffolding, the task of carrying forward the tale of a pre-construction McGraw Tower has fallen to Cornell’s wizened upperclassmen. “How could you imagine what life was like back then? You were born under The Shadow. It is all you have ever known,” lamented Delilah “Godmother”…
