Nooz Staff

Engineer Studies In Statler Library To Microdose Having Fun in College

STATLER—The Nestlé Library in Statler Hall is designed to be a collaborative work zone for Hotelies. Every so often, however, Eva Pearson ’25 stumbles in from the neighboring Engineering Quad.   Pearson finds the space a welcome break from the everlasting torment of her sad, analytical engineering peers. “Being constantly surrounded by misery is bad for…

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"Yeah, those guys were brothers here, but they already graduated."

Op-Ed: Frat Won’t Let Me into Halloweekend Party Even Though I Can Name Dahmer, Bundy, and All 45 of Their Victims

These frat doormen are on a serious power trip. For my three years at Cornell, I’ve been sold the lie that if I can name enough people at a fraternity’s front door, then they’ll let me into their party. Well, this Halloween I was still denied entry even though I can name Dahmer, Bundy, and…

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Least Favorite Friend Stuck as Wonker Bell the Gray, Bland Fairy for Halloween

COLLEGETOWN—Every Halloweekend, even the most loyal of friend groups must inevitably reckon with the ultimate trial: picking a fair group costume. This Hallows’ Eve, Kendall Lin ‘27 and her friends were no exception to this timeless tradition of friendship-ruining decisions.  “So, Jenna will be Tinker Bell the Tinker Fairy, I’ll be Silvermist the Water Fairy,…

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Please Take One! Frat Leaves Basket of Zyns on Doorstep for Early Recruitment of Trick-or-Treaters

HIGHLAND ROAD—Happy Halloween! As is tradition, Cornell’s various fraternities have found themselves gearing up for a weekend of spooky costumes, ghoulishly cheap beer and raucous festivities. In their estimation, those frats that throw the most legendary Halloweekend parties will be rewarded with an influx of eager pledges. However, the forward-thinking young men at Phi Omega…

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“Can I be Gru?” Asks Short, Yellow, One-Eyed Friend with No Self-Awareness

NORTH CAMPUS—Excitement is in the air as students across campus eagerly await Halloween and solidify their weekend plans. As is tradition, the fractured remains of freshman friend groups will once again unite to form the tried-and-true group costume. However, the tedious process of delegating roles within a group costume is often likened to a Sisyphean…

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Illegal Canadian Immigrants Descend on Lynah Rink Thanks to Josh Riley’s Open Border Policy

LYNAH‌ RINK—Following a not-so-miracle-on-ice defeat at the hands of Big Red Hockey, local Buffalo officials have reported that several suspicious yet polite-looking men in flannel were seen attempting to cross back into Canada. When questioned, the men claimed to be a part of a mysterious organization, identified only as the “University of Toronto.” “JOSH‌‌‌‌ RILEY’S…

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Ben Shapiro Stirs Up Hydrophobic Allegations After Swallowing Motor Oil to Make Voice Extra Squeaky

BAILEY HALL—Conservative commentator and host of the Daily Wire Ben Shapiro was spotted on campus this morning preparing for tonight’s speaker event. While left-wing students prepare for his audacious and rapid-fire debating style, they might not expect his rumored secret weapon: consuming motor oil. “I first learned about this technique while rapping,” squealed Shapiro last…

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“Hot, Single 19 Year Old, Down For Hand Stuff” Costume Really Popular Among Divorced Dads

ROSE HALL—Family Weekend is traditionally characterized as an opportunity for parents to learn about their children’s lives at Cornell, for students to hide their stashes of illicit substances, and for dining hall workers to clean up unusually messy tables. However, for Katherine Booker ‘27 and her recently divorced father Mark Booker, this family weekend was…

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Help! I Got My Flu Shot at the Vet School and Now I’m Neighing Like a Horse on Anabolic Steroids

COLLEGE OF VETERINARY MEDICINE—Students were able to get their seasonal flu shots free of charge this year at a variety of sites on campus. Unfortunately, it seems like some individuals who received their vaccine at the College of Veterinary Medicine are suffering from an unintended side effect: neighing like a horse on anabolic steroids.  Carlton…

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