ITHACA—As Election Day unwinds, swing voters and independents across the country make the consequential choice of which party to vote for. But some swing voters are still torn between his options.
“I prefer the policies of Democrats, but I just agree with Trump on so much more,” said an undecided Don Lang ’27. “Democrats simply aren’t talking about men’s sexy bodies enough.”
Relatability was a sticking point for Lang, who didn’t think he could have a beer with any of the Democrats while debating the sizes of men’s bulges. But when Trump’s latest rally devolved into a discussion on the sweaty, veiny abs of a 50-year-old married man with flowy silver-fox hair, Lang felt seen by the aging, closeted bisexual president.
“Neither of us are, like, gay. But we appreciate Jon Husted’s ass for its impressive size. I’d love to touch it and see how it feels,” he claimed, before looking around nervously. “Trump doesn’t really speak to the economic or cultural moment. But the Democrats don’t speak to the deeper moment of kissing a man even though you know it’s wrong because both of you have girlfriends.”
At press time, Lang was seen pulling up a video of Trump inexplicably moaning, and rushing to the bathroom.
A partial transcript from Trump’s latest rally:
[1:04:26] The radical DUMOCRATS have Abdul El-Sayed. He’s a Muslim so he’s fasting for RAMA-DAN. That’s why he’s jacked, he can work a diet. He’d look good oiled up, too. Oiled up and shirtless. [Sighs]. I was telling JD… JD’s not someone you’d take your panties off for, not like Abdul. But I told JD, we need to see Abdul in his underwear, because if he’s too sexy, the voters will be BRAINWASHED by sexy, sexy SOCIALISM. [Audience boos]. That’s what’s on the ballot, folks. But we won’t let it happen, we’re gonna KISS socialism GOOD-BYE. Give it a long wet kiss on the lips. Maybe somewhere else, too.
