IVES HALL—Students in ILRID 2610 were seen surrounding the doors of Ives Hall this morning, hoping to solicit a comment from Professor Mitchell Crenshaw ahead of the class’s 7:00 PM prelim. Sources report that the decrepit professor, forgoing a verbal response, extended one shaky, liver-spotted hand and unfolded two creaking fingers to form a peace sign, a gesture which failed to reassure his restless students.
Professor Crenshaw, who has been absent from his class since the academic session began in August, made an unexpected return to the public eye last Friday. Student photographers posted outside his residence in Cayuga Heights captured TAs Eleanor Yoon ‘27 and Aylin Guliyeva ‘28 lifting the dead-eyed professor into his car for his first visit to campus since mid-April. The sighting extinguished rumors that the aging instructor had perished and supplanted them with far more credible rumors that he had been taxidermied.
Outside of Ives, students clamored to have their questions heard. “Professor! Professor! Will Friday’s lecture be on this prelim or the next one?” “Professor! How will you be voting on today’s PollEverywhere?” “Professor! Are you feeling good? Give us a thumbs up!” Although Crenshaw appeared unable to contort his shriveled claws into this configuration, a glint of recognition flitted across his cataracts, and his gummy smile widened almost imperceptibly.
The ailing instructor’s apparent condition has inspired fierce criticism from figures like Alan Latour. Alan is a spokesperson for C. U. Term Limits, an advocacy group that seeks to curb the power of tenured professors. “Crenshaw has been forced to remain head instructor, despite his spotty attendance record and tendency to freeze up for minutes at a time when asked questions about the material,” said Latour. “At some point, we need to recognize that he is no longer fit for office hours.”
At press time, Professor Crenshaw was seen coughing up clouds of dust as he presided mutely over the day’s lecture.
