THURSTON AVE. BRIDGE—At 9:16 PM Monday, a trudging line of solemnly shuffling figures could be seen snaking down to North Campus, participating in a timeless rite of post-prelim passage designed to cleanse the academic spirit. The lumbering group emitted a characteristic primal rumble of lamenting voices that could be heard for miles around as its…
OLIN LIBRARY—Every day, hundreds of students hunker down in the Olin stacks, growing increasingly discouraged as their study sessions drag on. Etched into the Olin desks, however, are the few things that keep struggling students going: motivational messages meant to inspire. Such messages show students that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel,…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Frank Rosen ‘25 delivered a speech to an emergency session of the Student Assembly regarding the calamitous prelim grade dropped on a Cornell sophomore earlier today. “Today, December 7, 2024—a date which will live in infamy—Eddie Kimmel ‘27 was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the TAs and professor of MATH 2130. “Kimmel was…
WESTCHESTER, NEW YORK—Visiting home for the weekend, Trevor Troob ‘27 was surprised to find that every time he mentioned the concept of prelim, it went straight to his head. Though Troob’s ego was already somewhat inflated, after clarifying that prelims were “like the Cornell versions of tests,” he began to realize how much better he…
If ever I were to tell a student that I wished they had a larger chest, plumper butt, or more attractive proportions, I would immediately be met outside Barton Hall by an angry mob with pitchforks. So why, I ask, do you think it’s okay to wish that my curves were bigger, wider, or more…
OLIN LIBRARY—Panic ensued among patrons of Libe Cafe as what started off as a wimpy high-pitched whine grew into a deafening whistle, its shrill sound piercing ears and shattering phone screens. Searching for a means of sequestering the shrieking, workers rushed to unplug their appliances and knock over anything that might produce such an intense…
STATLER– In a scheduling mishap likely to elicit several complaints with seniors, this semester’s Wines final exam has been scheduled to finish just minutes before the school’s Tightrope Walking final deliverable. “I’m so fucked,” exclaimed one Wines student. “My palette is a little weak, so I have to drink a bit more than everyone else…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—With one day left to study, fashion design student Jennifer Suh ‘24 is freaking the hell out over her impending final with a daunting subject: Zippers. “I don’t know what the fuck I am going to do,” explained an exasperated Suh. “There is so much I have to shove inside my head…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—After a semester in which the bulk of the material was pushed to the last few days of class, Professor James Kent ‘88 has decided the best solution is to just assume all his students know it anyways and put it all in the final exam. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t get to this…
BAKER LAB — In the lecture following their second prelim, pre-med student Aaron Hale ‘23 nervously reassured his CHEM 2070 classmates that, despite missing the prelim last Thursday, the curve should definitely bring him up to at least a C. “I mean, basically the same thing happened last time,” muttered Hale to himself, whose grade…
