BURDETT, NY—Saturday’s fast-moving weather system threatened to disrupt the Cornell Christian Club’s end-of-semester wine tour. Fortunately, on the third day of reading period, a miracle occurred in the Catharine Valley. “It was supposed to rain all day, but we already put down our deposit, so we kinda had to go,” recounted Cornell Christian Club President…
DAY HALL—On Friday, President Kotlikoff employed his automatic coverup system to carefully maneuver himself out of what many considered a prime opportunity to take accountability. Kotlikoff’s recent campus-wide email, a six-paragraph narrative more desperate than a drunk text to an ex, demonstrated remarkable capabilities to describe certain aspects in extreme detail. The email also ensured…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL–Last Tuesday, students in Professor Stephen Winslow’s Intro to Ethics and Philosophy class were debating the merits of DuBois’ double-consciousness theory during an 11:00 AM discussion section when a comment from one student raised some eyebrows. The student, Sheldon Morestead ‘28, was commenting on the black struggle in America when he uttered a…
GOLDWIN SMITH– Senior Grant Lampert ‘26 is living every student’s worst nightmare. After spending time and energy writing a discussion board post without AI, he has been accused of violating Cornell’s generative AI policy. English Professor Robin Castillo claimed she was immediately suspicious of Lampert’s post on Albert Camus’s The Myth of Sisyphus due to…
MARY DONLON HALL—The Cornell administration has worked tirelessly to demonstrate its commitment to the safety of its student body, protecting them from people holding signs, concerts, and chalk. Although many of the students and organizations responsible for perpetuating these despicable acts have been suspended, their radical messaging continues to spread in new and horrifying ways. …
DAY HALL—A new University report released by the Office of Student Life yesterday found that students need to be better supported through struggles with mental health, post-grad career stress, and heavy workloads, but that, ugh, it sounds like so much work, though! The report confirmed previous allegations that the University needs to take better care…
AGRICULTURE QUADRANGLE—Generative Artificial Intelligence (Gen AI) has taken over Silicon Valley, social media, and college campuses. Still, its heavy usage remains widely criticized. Though environmentalists typically have a lot to say about the environmental impacts of Gen AI, one E&S Major who uses ChatGPT is just gonna call it even. Lauren Conner ‘27 is an…
HOY ROAD PARKING GARAGE– On March 26, Cornell Parking Enforcement admitted a historic class of 5,776 prospective cars in the Regular Decision application cycle. “Over the next four years, these vehicles will be exposed to an unparalleled lack of parking opportunities” said Nelson Herrera, senior vice provost for ticketing management and towing education. “Most importantly,…
MORRISON DINING—In a dramatic escalation of Cornell Days tensions, Morrison’s vital Stir Fry Corridor has been shut down by a horde of admitted students and accompanying family members. The Class of 2030 Blockade represents the newest development in a region with a troubled history. “Passage through the strait was always precarious,” noted Morrison relations expert…
