GANĘDAGǪ HALL— Hannah Gordon ‘29 awoke the morning after hooking up with a mutual she met at her friend’s party. As she rubbed her eyes and adjusted her vision to the cold light of day, she was met with the sight of her spooky season suitor awkwardly squeezing himself back into the hot dog garb…
ITHACA, NY—In a series of recent New York Times interviews, Board of Trustees Meetings, and Faculty Senate Meetings, President Kotlikoff repeatedly warned that replacing a President would be detrimental to Cornell’s reputation, a conclusion that has raised questions on whether the President has a stake in the matter. When asked whether the university’s reputation might…
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—On Thursday morning, Fredrick Menten ‘29 peacefully slept off the previous night’s drunk hijinks in his slope-facing single, the crisp morning air and chirping of birds circulating through his open window. There was no better ailment in his recovery from intoxication. Much to his chagrin, however, the ever-talented chimesmasters of the clocktower chose…
UNASSUMING VALLEY—Residents have started to express worry about the integrity of a nearby dam after construction crews arrived this past Tuesday with jackhammers, explosives, and a wrecking ball. “We were promised this quirky hole-in-the-wall restaurant that would be unique and totally charming,” said Marianne Petrovski, a local schoolteacher and mother of approximately two. “When the…
ITHACA, NY—Navigating Ithaca can be difficult. From long bus rides to even longer walks, the city isn’t as accessible as many students desire. Luckily, you’re bound to meet at least one person who brought their car to campus–all you have to do is befriend them. Maria Gomez ‘28 is a proud car owner, but insists…
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—Only a few weeks into the school year, the mirror of Rose suite 23 is already tired of hearing the positive affirmations that new suite resident and esteemed Cornell Daily Sun journalist recites every morning. The mirror reports being particularly annoyed by phrases such as, “I am a unique, talented writer,” “we will…
SIGMA SIGMA THETA—As fraternities begin to scope out potential pledges, one campus fraternity – Sigma Sigma Theta – has devised a cunning strategy to turn the Jewish High Holidays into high recruitment yield. Sigma Sigma Theta, Ithaca’s alleged supplier of snow even in the warmer months, has publicly announced that all “sugar” distributed at their…
HU SHIH HALL—Freshman math major and precious darling boy William Sorenson ‘30 spent a perplexing two hours Wednesday evening deciphering the function of the unfamiliar devices in the laundry room of his North Campus residence hall. Onlookers say Sorenson’s arrival was heralded by an hour-long period during which the building’s elevator was stalled on the…
ARTS QUAD—For one day only each semester, Andy Thomas ‘28 and the rest of the Cornell Republicans attempt to make a respectable impression. From the hours of 2 to 4:30 p.m. on ClubFest, they reluctantly pause their usual performance of twisting balloons into scary orange shapes and juggling racism, misogyny, and homophobia. Instead, this freak…
EDDY STREET—Last week, Collegetown bar Level B announced plans for a new promotion, dubbed ‘Underage Tuesdays,’ which would allow patrons below the legal drinking age to enter the bar and be served alcohol. Experts believe that the move could result in enormous profits for the bar. “Level B may have found a new niche in…
