HU SHIH HALL—Freshman math major and precious darling boy William Sorenson ‘30 spent a perplexing two hours Wednesday evening deciphering the function of the unfamiliar devices in the laundry room of his North Campus residence hall. Onlookers say Sorenson’s arrival was heralded by an hour-long period during which the building’s elevator was stalled on the…
EDDY STREET—Last week, Collegetown bar Level B announced plans for a new promotion, dubbed ‘Underage Tuesdays,’ which would allow patrons below the legal drinking age to enter the bar and be served alcohol. Experts believe that the move could result in enormous profits for the bar. “Level B may have found a new niche in…
BEEBE LAKE—Birder Ernest Sanford ‘30 reported he was “actually not sure about that one” after a friend’s request for the identification of a bird flying overhead Sunday afternoon. “Y’know, I can’t quite tell. Yeah. Hm. That’s… yeah. Hm,” stated the birdwatcher politely, having clearly been thrown a curveball. After several more seconds of troubled squinting,…
MALOTT HALL– Stephanie Bronson ‘29 sighed assuredly as she did a once over in her dorm room mirror. “It’s perfect,” she thought, “My burlap sack is just right for a day in the Math Library.” Cornell students like Stephanie have often remarked upon the stylish pressure of campus’ communal spaces. God forbid someone lounges around…
GANĘDAGǪ: HALL—The university’s geriatric student population—namely the surviving members of the Class of 2026—erupted this week after learning about new residence guidelines prohibiting the processing of wild game in communal spaces. “No game‽” cried Archibald Hairloss ‘26, a long-time Cornellian known to frequent North Campus. “Dudee, I remember Skully, who’s fuckin crazy by the way,…
COLLEGETOWN—Totally oblivious to the growing pool of murky rainwater by the sidewalk, dozens gathered at a bus stop to avoid walking home. Just as the puddle’s coverage approached the optimal splash radius, a TCAT drove straight through it at full speed, dousing everyone with soaking leaf mulch anyway. “I swear I was hydroplaning,” explained route…
FEENEY WAY– For Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff, a new school year means a fresh start, this time with a new, tank-like flavor. After coming under fire for running over a student protester’s foot last spring, Kotlikoff has renounced his toe-hungry whip and found a more soothing replacement. Nothing, it seems, screams new beginnings like a…
DAY HALL—On Friday, President Kotlikoff employed his automatic coverup system to carefully maneuver himself out of what many considered a prime opportunity to take accountability. Kotlikoff’s recent campus-wide email, a six-paragraph narrative more desperate than a drunk text to an ex, demonstrated remarkable capabilities to describe certain aspects in extreme detail. The email also ensured…
MARY DONLON HALL—The Cornell administration has worked tirelessly to demonstrate its commitment to the safety of its student body, protecting them from people holding signs, concerts, and chalk. Although many of the students and organizations responsible for perpetuating these despicable acts have been suspended, their radical messaging continues to spread in new and horrifying ways. …
COLLEGE AVE—With dozens of restaurants in Cornell’s vibrant college town, students are usually able to find the requisite meal to satisfy their cravings. Despite this, one meal was always conspicuously missing from this food ecosystem, until now. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been up past 11 pm and thought to myself, I…
