CLARA DICKSON HALL— While scrolling on Instagram on September 22nd, Andrew Tian ‘30, whose profile bio reads “Cornell ‘30 T12,” learned of a deeply perturbing development. US News and World Report’s new Best Colleges Ranking had rated Cornell University 14th, dangerously lower than the number 12 spot it occupied last year. Tian frantically started exploring…
ITHACA—On Friday evening, the sun set, much as it has every evening for the last four billion years. As is common on days with slight cloud cover, every social media feed was temporarily plagued with impressionist photos of pink and purple and orange. For Markus Grey ’28, the photos of the sunset were a welcome…
BARTON HALL — At the annual fall career fair, engineer Erin Zhang ‘28 was seen making a beeline for her favorite company’s booth, eager to debut her newest creation. “In the age of optimization and automation I believe this is the next step in the recruitment world,” Zhang said in a pitch to recruiters. “Allow…
IVES HALL—Students in ILRID 2610 were seen surrounding the doors of Ives Hall this morning, hoping to solicit a comment from Professor Mitchell Crenshaw ahead of the class’s 7:00 PM prelim. Sources report that the decrepit professor, forgoing a verbal response, extended one shaky, liver-spotted hand and unfolded two creaking fingers to form a peace…
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—Only a few weeks into the school year, the mirror of Rose suite 23 is already tired of hearing the positive affirmations that new suite resident and esteemed Cornell Daily Sun journalist recites every morning. The mirror reports being particularly annoyed by phrases such as, “I am a unique, talented writer,” “we will…
SIGMA SIGMA THETA—As fraternities begin to scope out potential pledges, one campus fraternity – Sigma Sigma Theta – has devised a cunning strategy to turn the Jewish High Holidays into high recruitment yield. Sigma Sigma Theta, Ithaca’s alleged supplier of snow even in the warmer months, has publicly announced that all “sugar” distributed at their…
HU SHIH HALL—Freshman math major and precious darling boy William Sorenson ‘30 spent a perplexing two hours Wednesday evening deciphering the function of the unfamiliar devices in the laundry room of his North Campus residence hall. Onlookers say Sorenson’s arrival was heralded by an hour-long period during which the building’s elevator was stalled on the…
EDDY STREET—Last week, Collegetown bar Level B announced plans for a new promotion, dubbed ‘Underage Tuesdays,’ which would allow patrons below the legal drinking age to enter the bar and be served alcohol. Experts believe that the move could result in enormous profits for the bar. “Level B may have found a new niche in…
BEEBE LAKE—Birder Ernest Sanford ‘30 reported he was “actually not sure about that one” after a friend’s request for the identification of a bird flying overhead Sunday afternoon. “Y’know, I can’t quite tell. Yeah. Hm. That’s… yeah. Hm,” stated the birdwatcher politely, having clearly been thrown a curveball. After several more seconds of troubled squinting,…
MALOTT HALL– Stephanie Bronson ‘29 sighed assuredly as she did a once over in her dorm room mirror. “It’s perfect,” she thought, “My burlap sack is just right for a day in the Math Library.” Cornell students like Stephanie have often remarked upon the stylish pressure of campus’ communal spaces. God forbid someone lounges around…
