Top Consulting Clubs Welcome Next Generation of Highly Qualified Donut Salesmen

DUFFIELD HALL—After countless rounds of insufferable coffee chats, campus consulting clubs finally sifted through their applications and hand-picked the candidates with the brightest future in the donut industry to join their exclusive organization. Recruitment Director Donna Baker ‘26 shed some light on the deliberation process: “The applications of any tasteless fools who prefer bagels to…

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Report: 6,500 Gems Still Needed To Complete Clock Tower Upgrade

BUILDER BASE—In what would appear to be the second clan-related controversy of his tenure, Interim President Michael Kotlikoff announced Thursday that the Cornell administration would NOT be gemming McGraw Tower’s level 10 upgrade.  “I understand students’ frustration,” said Kotlikoff. “McGraw Tower is an iconic landmark, and these upgrade times are disheartening. However, I would remind…

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Carbon Fiber Tricycle, Autonomous Chair, and 6 Other Trailblazing Student Projects That Need Your Blood, Sweat, and Tears To Succeed

UPSON HALL—Built from the ground up with bare hands of the pioneering masterminds of the student body, these cutting-edge project teams are now demanding YOUR hard-earned pocket change. Give up that iced latte for once, do some local charity instead and pitch in! Every dollar makes a difference in the exhausting lives of your desperate…

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"Yeah, those guys were brothers here, but they already graduated."

Op-Ed: Frat Won’t Let Me into Halloweekend Party Even Though I Can Name Dahmer, Bundy, and All 45 of Their Victims

These frat doormen are on a serious power trip. For my three years at Cornell, I’ve been sold the lie that if I can name enough people at a fraternity’s front door, then they’ll let me into their party. Well, this Halloween I was still denied entry even though I can name Dahmer, Bundy, and…

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Ben Shapiro Stirs Up Hydrophobic Allegations After Swallowing Motor Oil to Make Voice Extra Squeaky

BAILEY HALL—Conservative commentator and host of the Daily Wire Ben Shapiro was spotted on campus this morning preparing for tonight’s speaker event. While left-wing students prepare for his audacious and rapid-fire debating style, they might not expect his rumored secret weapon: consuming motor oil. “I first learned about this technique while rapping,” squealed Shapiro last…

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Modern Medical Marvel? Last Living Smallpox Patient Seated Right Next to You in Lecture

CENTRAL CAMPUS–An ordinary Monday morning lecture experienced an extremely welcome interruption when a once-considered eradicated disease reappeared right in Kennedy Hall. Harry Swanson ’27 (god willing) was spotted sporting a feverish glow as well as dozens of blood-and-puss-filled scabs blanketing every inch of his body.  “COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HACK HACK,” said Swanson,…

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“Have You Considered Applying to Jobs?” Career Advisor Gives Helpful Advice

CENTRAL CAMPUS—It’s that time of the year! As September wraps up, seniors are increasingly experiencing pressure from their parents to get a jump on their job search. Career Advisor Andrew Hastings bore the brunt of the meetings with hordes of students, all desperately cloying for a job.  “Advising students on their career hunt isn’t just…

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