OLIN LIBRARY—Cornell students have the luxury of enjoying a wide range of study spaces, from campus cafes to comfy lounges. Despite this breadth of options, on Tuesday, one Harry Potter ass motherfucker opted to study under the Olin Library stairs. While his peers scrolled on their iPads in plush couches just feet away from this…
DAY HALL—Ahead of Cornell Days, when incoming students tour campus and overcrowd Morrison Dining, President Michael Kotlikoff was spotted power washing political messages written in chalk. The messages, placed there by Students for a Democratic Cornell to protest Cornell’s connections to ICE and Trump, were unceremoniously replaced with hopscotch courts hand-drawn by Kotlikoff with Crayola…
HOY ROAD PARKING GARAGE– On March 26, Cornell Parking Enforcement admitted a historic class of 5,776 prospective cars in the Regular Decision application cycle. “Over the next four years, these vehicles will be exposed to an unparalleled lack of parking opportunities” said Nelson Herrera, senior vice provost for ticketing management and towing education. “Most importantly,…
MORRISON DINING—In a dramatic escalation of Cornell Days tensions, Morrison’s vital Stir Fry Corridor has been shut down by a horde of admitted students and accompanying family members. The Class of 2030 Blockade represents the newest development in a region with a troubled history. “Passage through the strait was always precarious,” noted Morrison relations expert…
MORRISON DINING—For months, Nathan Reed ’26 has spoken passionately about pursuing an Italian minor. His peers recall him using phrases like, “I’m learning so much,” and “I’ve really been enjoying my minor.” Two of his friends, Joy Nguyen ’26 and Eric Walters ’26, assumed he was just really into the language, but they soon realized…
DUFFIELD HALL—Many saintlike engineering students have had their virtuous reputations marred by unfounded accusations of immorality following a recruitment event hosted by Palantir at Cornell. These engineers have done nothing more than demonstrate their willingness to ignore ethics for a $200k starting salary. One attendee, Ceille Autê ‘27, who has never faced any kind of…
FEENEY WAY—Life as a Cornell upperclassman is filled with many burdens: increased academic responsibility, off-campus housing, and the agony of paying the TCAT bus fare. Only on weekends and weekdays after 6 PM are these disenfranchised students privy to the free rides that freshmen enjoy guiltlessly—and few are ever so lucky. Some students are quick…
COLLEGETOWN—Volleys of espresso shots pounded Qahwah House early Friday morning as CTB fired the opening salvos of a war that threatens to engulf the entire Collegetown restaurant scene. Bagelian President Augusto Brous declared war on Qahwah House soon after CTB’s armed forces launched their caffeinated attack. The invasion, dubbed Operation Panini Press, comes after a…
LIBE SLOPE—This week, the jingle of bells in the wind could be heard as distinctly as the bells of the clocktower itself as local jester Tingle van Pringleton ‘19 soaked up some well-deserved sunlight. “If you really think about it, the entirety of spring is essentially one long fool’s spring, since the deep, depressing, eternal…
HO PLAZA—A. Cornellius III, a longtime Central Campus resident and Eastern Gray Squirrel, vehemently denied accusations that he was caught jeering and chittering derisively at students following the first round of prelims last week. “I just happen to be gathering nuts at a rate that’s not two standard deviations under the median,” he chirped. “Maybe…
