Campus
Terrorism Enthusiasts Excited For New Batch of Extremist Organizations to Emerge After Iran War
ITHACA, NY—Sunday’s meeting of the Cornell Terror Society proved lively and optimistic as members discussed this weekend’s promising events in Iran. “This was our most active meeting in months,” said CTS president Ethan Melander ‘26. “Everyone was really pumped to hear the news. We’ve seen how these sorts of interventions play out—the possibilities for future…
A.D. White Professor-At-Large Finally Apprehended
DANBURY, CT—After decades on the run, Cornell’s Andrew D. White Professor-At-Large was located and taken into police custody earlier this morning. The disgraced ex–faculty member, formerly known as Dr. Robert LeRoy, was forced from his position after a fierce parking dispute and went on the lam in 1965. Later that year, the vengeful Board of…
Coefficient of Kinetic Friction Between You and Gray Slush Says Eat Shit Nerd
THURSTON AVE.—On a crisp winter afternoon, Isa Tan ‘29 was trudging back from her PHYS 1110 lab when she was treated to an educational real-world demonstration. “I probably deserved this for getting a 4 on AP Physics,” Tan reasoned, labelling the experience “only slightly less humbling than my last prelim.” “It’s strange—I like to think…
“Close Enough” Match Pairs Hundreds of Proximity-Based Situationships
NORTH CAMPUS—Each February, thousands of Cornellians participate in the Perfect Match survey in an effort to find true love based on shared interests, similarities, and preferences. This year, students have the opportunity to receive a match that is, like, close enough. Close Enough Match is a student-led project team that utilizes machine learning to pair…
Report: No Way Ice Cream Hard Enough to Justify How Long Guy Ahead of You Has Been Scooping
FLORA ROSE HOUSE—After taking several minutes to reach the front of the ice cream line at a busy dinner Sunday night, Sarah Weinberger ‘28 was forced to wait further as the patron in front of her took what experts are calling an “unjustifiably long” time to get his dessert. “It was terrible. He just kept…
Op-Ed: I Watched the Entire Cornell–Harvard Hockey Game and They Didn’t Have Sex, Like, Not Even Once
Yeah, so, I guess I’m just a little bit confused. From my research, I was led to believe that there would be more to this whole “hockey” thing, but it was no more than just men hitting a puck around with sticks. You see, I watched the entire Cornell versus Harvard hockey game, and none…
Social Climber Friendliest Guy at Lindseth
BARTELS HALL—Alexander Pope ‘28, a self-identified social climber, is turning heads at Lindseth Climbing Center with his friendly demeanor. “Climbing is better with buddies!” remarked the beaming sophomore transfer, dusting his chalky hands on a pair of well-worn sweatpants. “I’ve been climbing since the fourth grade, and the thing that always keeps me coming back…
Arctic Blast Prepares Failing Senior for Zero Degrees
COLLEGETOWN—With frigid temperatures forecasted for the Ithaca area this week, Cornell senior Danny Trelawny ‘26 is facing a cold, dangerous reality of his own. “I’m screwed,” Trelawny said beneath three layers of scarf. “The temperature with wind chill is higher than my GPA.” Trelawny has trodden slippery academic ground since the fall of his first…
Catch Me If You Can! CUPD Seen Sledding Down Slope in Pursuit of Evil Students Vandalizing Libe Slope with Evil Sleds
ITHACA, NY—In a dramatic break from their usual routine of arresting kids on scooters, members of the Cornell University Police Department were spotted barreling down Libe Slope on borrowed dining trays and tables this past weekend in hot pursuit of “extremely evil” students reportedly vandalizing the hill with “even more evil sleds and stuff.” Witnesses…