Thursday, October 1, 2026
Biology Major Stressed About Answers to Pre-Limbs 
Student Who Chose Cornell For Top 12 Ranking Forced to Transfer
Your Friend Who Happens to Have a Car is Actually Funniest, Coolest, Most Attractive Person Ever
Kotlikoff Frustrated by Inability to Send Nationwide Email

CU Nooz

Random Nooz
Biology Major Stressed About Answers to Pre-Limbs 
Student Who Chose Cornell For Top 12 Ranking Forced to Transfer
Your Friend Who Happens to Have a Car is Actually Funniest, Coolest, Most Attractive Person Ever
Kotlikoff Frustrated by Inability to Send Nationwide Email

CU Nooz

Random Nooz
Headlines

Biology Major Stressed About Answers to Pre-Limbs 

Only Minority in Friend Group Already Knows Who She Going to Be

Ambitious Group Project Member Needs To Take The Fucking Hint

Motivational Message Etched Into Library Desk Undermined By Penis Right Beneath It

Polycule Sex Cult Still Calling Itself “Co-Op”

Cornell Announces “Raw Chicken Wednesdays” to Slim Down Large Freshman Class

Americans Defeat Fascism by Putting On Greatest Talent Show This Nation Has Ever Seen

Mamdani Debates Cuomo As World War I Flying Ace Curtis Sliwa Dogfights Infamous Red Baron

Pre-Annotated Library Book Tells Student Exactly What Important

Professor Getting All Excited About Life’s Work Again

Campus

Hoping To Locate Geothermal Energy Sources, Cornell Administration Now Just Digging Holes Fucking Everywhere

Nooz Staff02 mins

CARL BECKER HOUSE, URIS HALL, COLLEGETOWN, ETC—After the closure of the Cornell University Borehole Observatory project, the university’s eminent geology, energy and sustainability researchers sat down to analyze their data and determine Cornell’s optimal course to achieve the Climate Action Plan’s goal of carbon neutrality by 2035.  Unfortunately for climate scientists and pedestrians alike, a…

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Local Deviant Breaks Out “Vent Behind Morrison” Flavored Juul Pod

Nooz Staff02 mins

NORTH CAMPUS—A regular Thursday evening in the Jameson 5th floor common room quickly devolved into shambles when weird student Jimmy Jenkins ’27 produced a Juul pod unlike any other, of the “Vent Behind Morrison” variety. “It started out normally enough,” stated fellow Jameson Resident Julie Earles ’25. “He shouted that he was fiending for nic,…

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Cornell Abolishes PE Requirement, Extends Clock Tower Detour Instead

Nooz Staff02 mins

HO PLAZA—Celebrations that Cornell abolished its physical education requirement were short lived amid the university’s announcement that it would be extending the clock tower detour as a replacement. The new detour spans several miles and even requires walking up the slope. When pressed about their decision to extend the detour, Cornell officials explained that the…

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Freshman Patiently Waiting to Cross College Ave Gets Hit by Car Anyway

Nooz Staff02 mins

COLLEGETOWN—Motorists and pedestrians alike were left apathetic today after an accident involving a Volkswagen Golf and one particularly patient freshman waiting for his chance to cross College Avenue.  The license plate number of the vehicle responsible for the accident was traced to an apartment building 100 feet from the crosswalk in question. Its driver, Larry…

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Odd One Out: Sextuplet Excluded From New High Rise Lounge

Nooz Staff02 mins

HIGH RISE 5—To accommodate a larger-than-expected first-year class that they definitely expected, Cornell Housing and Residential Life has recently converted student lounges in certain buildings to quintuples. This was an immense disappointment to Jackie Bruno ‘27, who was the only one of her identical siblings assigned to a different room.  “Alexa, Amanda, Anna, Anika, and…

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BREAKING: Buildings Crumble as the Deafening Sound of 22,000 Voices Granted Freedom of Expression Roars Through Ithaca

Nooz Staff02 mins

ITHACA—Thousands of local Ithaca residents have lost their homes in the wake of a seismic disaster following an email from President Martha Pollack, which carelessly granted 22,000 individuals the right to freedom of expression. At 11:04 AM on April 17th, the sound of thousands of voices simultaneously expressing themselves radiated out from Cornell’s campus, razing…

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OP-ED: It’s Time to Deport A Cappella Groups to Ithaca College

Nooz Staff03 mins

Perhaps you have seen their strange advertisements. Perhaps one of them has approached you, pushing their product. God forbid, perhaps a “friend” has dragged you to one of their cult-like ceremonies, and charged you money for the privilege! This problem is top of mind for many Cornellians. The instrumentless menace, the unaccompanied scourge, the A…

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