CENTRAL CAMPUS–An ordinary Monday morning lecture experienced an extremely welcome interruption when a once-considered eradicated disease reappeared right in Kennedy Hall. Harry Swanson ’27 (god willing) was spotted sporting a feverish glow as well as dozens of blood-and-puss-filled scabs blanketing every inch of his body.
“COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HACK HACK,” said Swanson, spouting blood out of his every crevice. “You don’t – cough understand- cough- attendance is worth five percent of our grade. I had to come to class.” Swanson took a break to vomit, cough a little more, and sneeze as close to the person sitting next to him, Julia Edwards ‘25, as possible.
“This is truly thrilling,” stated the CDC, pulling on their hazmat suits. “A disease that we so long thought to be gone, nada, zilch, reappearing… and so close to other human specimens!! How marvelous.” They elaborated, slowly creeping toward the victim with their hands outstretched.
Edward could not be reached for comment because she went to lie down, with fever coming on. How strange and probably unrelated!