GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Each semester, thousands of freshmen are encouraged to engage with Cornell’s vast breadth of knowledge in the form of its abundant and diverse Freshman Writing Seminars (FWS). However, for Blake Perry ‘28, there lingers a feeling of unfairness in the system due to fun classes being filled up quickly. “My first choice was…
OLIN LIBRARY—In the midst of her treacherous slog through a mandatory 82-page reading, Elaine Sanders ’28 spotted a light at the end of the tunnel. “It was a chart- nay, a graph that took up nearly a whole page-and-a-half. It was awesome. I let my eyes glaze over for a minute as I gleefully scrolled…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Frank Rosen ‘25 delivered a speech to an emergency session of the Student Assembly regarding the calamitous prelim grade dropped on a Cornell sophomore earlier today. “Today, December 7, 2024—a date which will live in infamy—Eddie Kimmel ‘27 was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the TAs and professor of MATH 2130. “Kimmel was…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—Students of Professor Gary Whitman have expressed growing concern for their physics instructor after his lectures took a dismal turn in the last couple of weeks. While the discovery of Whitman’s ongoing divorce saddened his pupils, few of them were surprised. “Yeah, he’s kind of been hinting at it,” admitted Shriya Pradhan ‘28. According…
UPSON HALL—Built from the ground up with bare hands of the pioneering masterminds of the student body, these cutting-edge project teams are now demanding YOUR hard-earned pocket change. Give up that iced latte for once, do some local charity instead and pitch in! Every dollar makes a difference in the exhausting lives of your desperate…
STATLER—The Nestlé Library in Statler Hall is designed to be a collaborative work zone for Hotelies. Every so often, however, Eva Pearson ’25 stumbles in from the neighboring Engineering Quad. Pearson finds the space a welcome break from the everlasting torment of her sad, analytical engineering peers. “Being constantly surrounded by misery is bad for…
CENTRAL CAMPUS–An ordinary Monday morning lecture experienced an extremely welcome interruption when a once-considered eradicated disease reappeared right in Kennedy Hall. Harry Swanson ’27 (god willing) was spotted sporting a feverish glow as well as dozens of blood-and-puss-filled scabs blanketing every inch of his body. “COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HACK HACK,” said Swanson,…
CENTRAL CAMPUS—It’s that time of the year! As September wraps up, seniors are increasingly experiencing pressure from their parents to get a jump on their job search. Career Advisor Andrew Hastings bore the brunt of the meetings with hordes of students, all desperately cloying for a job. “Advising students on their career hunt isn’t just…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Professor James was happy to announce in his class on Friday that “all class materials are included in CAMP.” He was, of course, mere moments away from making each and every student pay $75 for his textbook, Historiography of Antidisestablishmentarianism in Bovine Bookshelves Across Diasporic Communities. His new book, which fills a critical…
MAR-A-LAGO, FL—With a looming deadline and mounting pressure from advisors, former President Donald Trump is reportedly clambering to finish his first paper’s outline for GOVT 1111: Intro to American Government and Politics. “The President is currently hard at work to deliver this outline for the American people,” said Trump campaign spokesman Steven Cheung. “Meanwhile, radical…
