Ben Shapiro Stirs Up Hydrophobic Allegations After Swallowing Motor Oil to Make Voice Extra Squeaky

BAILEY HALL—Conservative commentator and host of the Daily Wire Ben Shapiro was spotted on campus this morning preparing for tonight’s speaker event. While left-wing students prepare for his audacious and rapid-fire debating style, they might not expect his rumored secret weapon: consuming motor oil.

“I first learned about this technique while rapping,” squealed Shapiro last week on his podcast. “Hypothetically, if I can lubricate my voice at the cost of sounding completely insufferable, I can therefore provoke the woke left youth with thrice as many words.” He added, “I’ve tried inhaling helium in the past but only dogs could hear me, and they didn’t seem too interested in my anti-DEI meltdown.”

This unorthodox debate strategy did not come without controversy, however. Critics of Shapiro panned his enhanced vocal ability, protesting on Tower Road and holding signs reading “HYDROPHOBE”. Students worry that Shapiro, who now drinks oil as his primary beverage to maintain his signature squeak, might discriminate against more disadvantaged students who can only drink water. One protestor, Caden Johnston ‘27, remarked, “It is utterly disgraceful for Cornell to allow Shapiro, a hateful, oil-based lifeform, to spread his misogynistic, transphobic, and now hydrophobic ideas.”

Ben Shapiro responded to the allegations, creaking, “Let’s say, for the sake of the argument, that I did in fact drink copious amounts of oil to make my voice faster and squeakier. Liberals can complain using their water-based gibberish and Brita pitchers, but the free market of ideas rewards efficiency – a little Valvoline isn’t going to hurt a high-value male like myself.”