ARTS QUAD—For one day only each semester, Andy Thomas ‘28 and the rest of the Cornell Republicans attempt to make a respectable impression. From the hours of 2 to 4:30 p.m. on ClubFest, they reluctantly pause their usual performance of twisting balloons into scary orange shapes and juggling racism, misogyny, and homophobia. Instead, this freak show finds a whole new way to Make Cornell Appalled Again by metamorphosing into, as Thomas insists, “upstanding gentlemen.”
As the beginning of the semester approaches, they prepare by transitioning from their larval stage in which their skin, dry and wrinkly from years without the touch of a woman, begins to shed into their pupal form. By the morning of ClubFest they emerge, slimy and marinated in bigoted ideas, into their final form, wiping off their typical white and pasty makeup to reveal even whiter, pastier skin. Inspired by selective consulting clubs and exclusive pre-professional organizations, they trade their ruffles for black ties and their large, colorful shoes for uncharacteristically clean Oxfords in hopes of fooling freshmen with morals with an illusion of professionalism and seriousness.
“NOBODY else wears suits as much as we do. We are the MOST suit-wearing CLUB at Cornell and we wear SUITS the most of anyone EVER,” Thomas posted on Truth Social following the event.
Unlike their suit-wearing peers, no coffee chats are required to join this club, just a raging passion for (or an easily-influenced perspective on) involuntary celibacy and bombing innocent civilians in Iran.
