GANĘDAGǪ: HALL—The university’s geriatric student population—namely the surviving members of the Class of 2026—erupted this week after learning about new residence guidelines prohibiting the processing of wild game in communal spaces.
“No game‽” cried Archibald Hairloss ‘26, a long-time Cornellian known to frequent North Campus. “Dudee, I remember Skully, who’s fuckin crazy by the way, he and I would absolutely TEAR IT DOWN on Friday nights with the freshies, and it was like, you HAD to be there dude.” Beginning to tear up, he added that “ya can’t do that type of stuff anymore” because of “woke.”
The ramblings of the senile are often incomprehensible, yet the message is loud and clear: Cornell’s super seniors feel lost without their extensive support network of first-years who quite frankly have no clue about anything.
“This is too much to bear,” complained Reginald “Skully” Anderson ‘23. “Those Day Hall bastards are trying to ban my meat and everything, man. I think this is the end of the road for crazy Skully.”
As of press time, Reginald “Skully” has made plans to graduate this December and enter the field of human resources with a focus on harassment prevention.
