HU SHIH HALL—Freshman math major and precious darling boy William Sorenson ‘30 spent a perplexing two hours Wednesday evening deciphering the function of the unfamiliar devices in the laundry room of his North Campus residence hall. Onlookers say Sorenson’s arrival was heralded by an hour-long period during which the building’s elevator was stalled on the…
GANĘDAGǪ: HALL—The university’s geriatric student population—namely the surviving members of the Class of 2026—erupted this week after learning about new residence guidelines prohibiting the processing of wild game in communal spaces. “No game‽” cried Archibald Hairloss ‘26, a long-time Cornellian known to frequent North Campus. “Dudee, I remember Skully, who’s fuckin crazy by the way,…
MARY DONLON HALL—The Cornell administration has worked tirelessly to demonstrate its commitment to the safety of its student body, protecting them from people holding signs, concerts, and chalk. Although many of the students and organizations responsible for perpetuating these despicable acts have been suspended, their radical messaging continues to spread in new and horrifying ways. …
MORRISON DINING—In a dramatic escalation of Cornell Days tensions, Morrison’s vital Stir Fry Corridor has been shut down by a horde of admitted students and accompanying family members. The Class of 2030 Blockade represents the newest development in a region with a troubled history. “Passage through the strait was always precarious,” noted Morrison relations expert…
MORRISON DINING—For months, Nathan Reed ’26 has spoken passionately about pursuing an Italian minor. His peers recall him using phrases like, “I’m learning so much,” and “I’ve really been enjoying my minor.” Two of his friends, Joy Nguyen ’26 and Eric Walters ’26, assumed he was just really into the language, but they soon realized…
