LIBE SLOPE—As of 3 a.m. Eastern Standard Time on May 5, 2025, construction workers on West and Central Campus have declared a unilateral “Special Construction Operation” on Libe Slope. Foreman Vladimir Smith gave an address to the construction workers at McGraw Clocktower, announcing his intentions to move infrastructure across the border of Libe Slope, in…
TONI MORRISON HALL—Tired of losing sleep because some dipshit in your dorm forgot to take their popcorn out of the microwave? Worry not! The CU Nooz editorial team has assembled a list of wacky new arson alternatives for those pertinacious pyromaniacs—so next time you’re startled awake by a blaring siren in the middle of the…
ARTS QUAD—At a rare on-site press conference, President Michael Kotlikoff updated the Cornell community about the ongoing search for Ezra Cornell’s lost fortune, thought to be buried beneath the Arts Quad. “As you may know, our crews have been working overtime to find this hidden treasure,” said Kotlikoff, standing on a mound of displaced earth…
TOWER ROAD TUNNEL—Countless years after the commencement of the Great Scaffolding, the task of carrying forward the tale of a pre-construction McGraw Tower has fallen to Cornell’s wizened upperclassmen. “How could you imagine what life was like back then? You were born under The Shadow. It is all you have ever known,” lamented Delilah “Godmother”…
OLIN LIBRARY—Tighten your bra straps, because feminism has reached new heights! In a stunning show of female solidarity, an Olin Library elevator made up of entirely women has undergone the voyage of going all the way up to the 7th floor and back. The trip was sponsored by the Board of Trustees in an effort…
MORRISON HALL—As admitted students excitedly rove around campus, eager to learn more about their future home of four years, their families are left with nothing to do except pester the innocent passersby with unanswerable questions. These family members are dedicated to their pursuit, stopping current students anywhere they possibly can, at any and all hours…
COLLEGETOWN—Mid-Thursday afternoon, collegetown driver Alex Harmon’s usual commute was interrupted by an age-old moral quandary. “It was a totally average day; I was driving my dad’s Porsche down College Avenue at an easy 170 miles per hour,” stated Harmon. “All of a sudden, five pedestrians appeared on the crosswalk just past the red light I…
ARTS QUAD—For the first time since its rollout on March 28, President Michael Kotlikoff has invoked Cornell’s final university-wide Expressive Activity Policy against a group of students enjoying a sunny day on the Arts Quad with unmistakably nefarious intent. The offending students, described as belonging to “a loose coalition of 91 different clubs and organizations”,…
OLIN LIBRARY—Students rejoiced as the long-awaited Olin Library renovation was finally completed this past week, reopening a popular study area on the main floor. For months, library goers have silently endured the overcrowded conditions. It became a common sight to see flocks of Cornellians circling the room, looking for an open chair. But now, thanks…
URIS GARDEN– Robert Frost reports that the woods are not, in fact, as “lovely, dark, and deep” as he once believed after eating absolute shit on the treacherous pathway from Uris Hall just this past week. When the quaint classrooms of Uris Hall failed him in his search for poetic inspiration, Frost turned to the…
