CENTRAL CAMPUS–An ordinary Monday morning lecture experienced an extremely welcome interruption when a once-considered eradicated disease reappeared right in Kennedy Hall. Harry Swanson ’27 (god willing) was spotted sporting a feverish glow as well as dozens of blood-and-puss-filled scabs blanketing every inch of his body. “COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HACK HACK,” said Swanson,…
LIBE SLOPE—As the leaves turn golden brown and the sun starts setting lower and lower, many Cornellians herald the change to fall with sweaters and long-sleeve shirts. Yet, for local dumbass Frank Dylan ‘27, it seems that winter is already here. Reports indicate that the clueless idiot was spotted climbing the slope in a thick…
CENTRAL CAMPUS—It’s that time of the year! As September wraps up, seniors are increasingly experiencing pressure from their parents to get a jump on their job search. Career Advisor Andrew Hastings bore the brunt of the meetings with hordes of students, all desperately cloying for a job. “Advising students on their career hunt isn’t just…
BARTELS HALL—Amidst an on campus housing crisis, the university administration has seemingly been living on a prayer that someone else will bail them out of their own gross miscalculation. Though the departments of Human Development, Engineering, and even Architecture have remained entirely unhelpful, Cornell Outdoor Education has managed to field enough tents to “house” the…
MCGRAW TOWER—Despite hoping for a fresh-faced, clean-toothed summer, McGraw Tower ‘1891 recently discovered it must spend Slope Day with its headgear still intact. This news came as a shock to the Cornell community, who now had no choice but to see the clocktower as a massive geek. According to Orthodontist John Stern, Tower possesses “teeth…
WEST CAMPUS—Hoping to snag a coveted slot on West Campus, numerous rising sophomores were disappointed to learn that they would instead be living nowhere. While many housing lottery participants had worried that they might end up in Cascadilla Hall, they had not thought to worry that the Department of Housing & Residential Life would forget…
HO PLAZA—The Cornell University Police Department is currently investigating a reported hit-and-run that left one vehicle injured Friday evening. Investigators suspect a stoplight was responsible for the collision. Officers responding to the incident noted significant damage to the hood and windshield of the victim. AAA Roadside Assistance administered first aid to the wounded vehicle, which…
Rockefeller Hall—Samuel Maxwell ‘24 was sick of the negative reputation physics majors have garnered, and was determined to change it. As his wiry pipe-cleaner build struggled along Collegetown’s icy asphalt, Maxwell insisted that physics majors were “in the upper echelon of Cornell intelligence” and “not at all condescending or arrogant.” He talked at length about…
OLIN LIBRARY—Many library goers were infuriated by the disruptive collapse of the Olin Library ceiling, caused by the excessive construction. However, those who have experienced the relentlessly tedious, pain-in-the-ass ritual that is the coffee chat will understand the relief of Lonnie Roth ‘26 and Mike Juarez ‘27 as their insufferable meeting was cut short by…
URIS HALL—In a non-stop crusade to find his FWS classroom, Davey Harris ‘27 has spent the past seven days living in the septic corridors of Uris Hall. Though his concerned peers have advised that he simply drop the course (and perhaps seek psychiatric help), Harris is determined to find UH249. “I’ve circled this floor 1,643…
