GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—At 10:17 AM in a philosophy discussion, all hell broke loose after Associate Professor Dantes Noferno suggested there was no afterlife, a statement which one student violently rejected. Satan ‘666 BCE was seen thwacking the half-raised hands of his peers with a crimson pitchfork and a pointed tail waving angrily behind him as…
WASHINGTON, DC— The Trump Administration has cut over $1.4 billion in National Science Foundation (NSF) grants, leaving many researchers with limited options to fund their work. OnlyFans, the often-X-rated video subscription service, has recently formed a 501(c)(3) foundation to award research funding to universities, emerging as an unconventional academic hero. “Middle-aged men won’t allocate money…
IVES HALL—At around 8:50AM on October 12th, Caitie Zacherson ‘29 entered Ives Hall, hoping to set a new record for the fastest time to successfully exit the building. Coincidentally, this was also around the same time that former Press Secretary Katie Zacharia began her attempt to break the record for the shortest amount of time…
CATHERINE STREET—Amid delightful outdoor celebrations, Ian P. Aleson sat comfortably among his fellow aluminum peers in their warm soggy box. Some of the dozen had already been selected by grubby hands, popped open at the surface, and guzzled by stubbly mouths smelling of cigarettes. Aleson patiently awaited his turn, blissfully unaware of the fate that…
During a session last Wednesday, Cornell’s Faculty Senate debated over holding a vote of no confidence in the university’s administration. Throughout the lengthy discussion, however, President Michael Kotlikoff found it extremely difficult to focus on the arguments of the senate members; he had something much more pressing, even explosive, on his mind. Perhaps it was…
URIS HALL—When Tommi Phisinger ‘28 sought digestive relief in the second floor Uris Hall bathroom between lectures, she came to a disturbing realization. “I went to grab the toilet paper after I completed my business. You know, as one does,” Phisinger confided. “I was disgusted to realize that the toilet paper was so thin, I…
BIOTECHNOLOGY BUILDING—As a research university, Cornell provides the unique opportunity for undergraduate students to get involved in laboratories on campus. Not all students, however, are cut out for research. It can be a harsh environment, which is why so many are grateful to have “made it out,” after graduating. Elizabeth Clark ‘29 is a Biological…
BAKER LAB—As Steven Yates ‘29 settled in for his 9:05 AM organic chemistry lecture on Wednesday, he felt at peace. He had found a whole row of seats to himself near the back of the auditorium. As Yates pulled out his iPad and placed his laptop on the adjacent seat’s desk, a sense of satisfaction…
BETHE HOUSE—On the laptop of sophomore Katie Maxwell ’29, a frantic scene emerged. Last Thursday, she had been assigned a random partner to work on a group assignment, but she had not yet heard from him, nary a word nor a sound. First contact with William Hopkins ’29 was reached at 8:34 PM, approximately three…
STIMSON HALL— Vertebrate limb development had Brian Perry ‘30 sweating bullets. Although limb formation only took up a couple slides of a lecture from his Intro to Evolutionary Biology class, his classmates’ talk of “prelim(b)s” had him thinking the topic might be pretty significant for his upcoming exam. “Everybody I talked to said they were…
