BIOTECHNOLOGY BUILDING—As a research university, Cornell provides the unique opportunity for undergraduate students to get involved in laboratories on campus. Not all students, however, are cut out for research. It can be a harsh environment, which is why so many are grateful to have “made it out,” after graduating. Elizabeth Clark ‘29 is a Biological…
BAKER LAB—As Steven Yates ‘29 settled in for his 9:05 AM organic chemistry lecture on Wednesday, he felt at peace. He had found a whole row of seats to himself near the back of the auditorium. As Yates pulled out his iPad and placed his laptop on the adjacent seat’s desk, a sense of satisfaction…
BETHE HOUSE—On the laptop of sophomore Katie Maxwell ’29, a frantic scene emerged. Last Thursday, she had been assigned a random partner to work on a group assignment, but she had not yet heard from him, nary a word nor a sound. First contact with William Hopkins ’29 was reached at 8:34 PM, approximately three…
STIMSON HALL— Vertebrate limb development had Brian Perry ‘30 sweating bullets. Although limb formation only took up a couple slides of a lecture from his Intro to Evolutionary Biology class, his classmates’ talk of “prelim(b)s” had him thinking the topic might be pretty significant for his upcoming exam. “Everybody I talked to said they were…
DAY HALL—Amidst widespread scrutiny over his administration’s handling of the 2024 Chi Phi rape case, Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff has expressed frustration about the limited reach of his preferred platform for damage control. Sources within the administration—which has come under fire for assigning essays as a punishment for the accused rapists—say Kotlikoff was infuriated to…
BAKER LABORATORY — As the semester begins to pick up, both love and germ particles are in the air, causing many campus couples to catch more than just the love bug. Students Tyler Robinson ‘29 and Lacy James ‘29 met in their 9 AM lecture and immediately clicked. They had an organic sort of chemistry…
COLLEGETOWN BAGELS— Amidst the busyness of classes and clubs, there’s nothing like a pick-me-up from Collegetown Bagels. Their specialty beverages and easily customizable offerings mean there’s a CTB order for every person’s preference. While students like Claudia Miller ‘28 appreciate this specialization, they perhaps wish it didn’t have to be announced to the whole world….
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—The Cornell fall athletic season is officially underway, and while the leaves may be changing, the mediocrity of the Sprint football team remains constant. “I feel like we’ve been having trouble finding connection,” said team captain Alex Bell ‘27. “Every time we try to make a call, it just drops.” The team always strives…
BEEBE LAKE—Birder Ernest Sanford ‘30 reported he was “actually not sure about that one” after a friend’s request for the identification of a bird flying overhead Sunday afternoon. “Y’know, I can’t quite tell. Yeah. Hm. That’s… yeah. Hm,” stated the birdwatcher politely, having clearly been thrown a curveball. After several more seconds of troubled squinting,…
WASHINGTON D.C—In a move experts are calling a “technically effective” continuation of the Make America Hesitant Again program, U.S. Health Secretary RFK Jr. has announced that all food will be reformulated to cause chronic gastrointestinal distress, effectively ending the U.S. obesity epidemic by making eating undesirable. “Americans have long been told they are too heavy”,…
