IVES HALL—At around 8:50AM on October 12th, Caitie Zacherson ‘29 entered Ives Hall, hoping to set a new record for the fastest time to successfully exit the building. Coincidentally, this was also around the same time that former Press Secretary Katie Zacharia began her attempt to break the record for the shortest amount of time on White House staff.
As Zacharia stumbled over simple questions on national television, Zacherson matched her pace, stumbling through identical linoleum hallways. When Zacharia was mobbed by the media, Zacherson, who had finally seen a red exit sign, was mobbed by a crowd of ILRies and lost her way.
While Zacharia alleged that she had passed the bar in China, Zacherson was starting to realize that Ives was probably the same size as the Qing Dynasty at its peak. On October 16th, just a few minutes before Zacharia’s departure was announced, it seemed as though Zacherson was set to win. Until, she raced to a door and burst through, only to realize all she had done was to enter another courtyard.
In the end, thanks to a cosmic ray, Zacherson was able to jump through the ceiling onto the roof, allowing her to break the previous record. Unfortunately, no such neutron came to rescue Zacharia, who has been forced to return to her sunny California multi-million dollar home.
