Qatar Campus To Celebrate ‘Limit of Expression’ Year

EDUCATION CITY, QATAR—  Dear Cornell Community,  Freedom of Expression is the foundation of academic understanding, breathing life into knowledge and inspiring impactful advocacy. Some may even say that Free Expression is indispensable. But here at Weill Cornell Medicine in Qatar, we actually think it’s a little dispensable. To this end, I’m glad to announce our…

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“There’s a Day Hall?” Asks a Confused Martha Pollack Wandering Onto Campus for the Third Time This Year

DAY HALL—This month, students protesting Starbucks due to their union-busting practices occupied Day Hall until administrators agreed to meet their demands. While VP Ryan Lombardi gave in to the protest, President Pollack remained unmoved–not because she doesn’t care about students or because her wage remains unaffected by her actions, but because she was unaware that…

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President Pollack Wishes a Happy Mother’s Day to All of the Students Whom she Denied Reproductive Healthcare

At an event on Mother’s Day, President Pollack expressed her appreciation for the strong women who bore the burden of populating the forthcoming Cornell class of 2045.  “Happy Mother’s Day! Motherhood is the greatest gift in life– any mother will tell you that,” began Pollack. “Sooooo, you’re welcome!” The celebration was highly interactive; inspired by…

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President Pollack Suggests Fired Starbucks Workers Just Ask “Vice Barista” To Do All The Hard Stuff

DAY HALL—Though union organizers had hoped to share their demands with President Pollack at a meeting earlier this week, they were instead gifted with the president’s own sage wisdom. Pulling from her personal experience in the workforce, Pollack advised the group to simply seek out the coffee serving equivalent of Ryan Lombardi and “have him…

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